Friends- how similar do your views need to be?

[cleocleo24]

Just wondering how similar do your values and views on life need to be to maintain a friendship? I know life would be boring if we all thought the same abs people are going to have different views on life and that's fine, when discussed nicely.

However, I have someone I regarded as a very good friend who has just been through a break up with her DH. She's like a different person, I don't know if it's a short lived thing because of the situation she's in or if it's just revealing that this is actually her all along.

She's gone through a horrible time with DH and I get it's probably changed her and maybe hardened her. I understand she's going through the angry stage of grief right now I would say. But I just disagree with so much she has to say or what she does about how things should be with her DH, money, work, her DD, how to treat people, affairs, friendships. I feel like our views on life are poles apart. If I try to give an opposite view to hers about any of these areas she bites my head off and meeting up with her means biting your tongue the whole conversation. You aren't allowed to disagree with her anymore.

I have another friend who vents all this to me and her DH after meeting up with the mutual friend but seems not to mind as much as me. She seems ok to go along with this friend and have to bite her tongue all the time. I guess her expectations of friendships are lower than mine. But maybe my expectations are too high? DH thinks they are. I have let several friendships go over the years as they have felt so one sided.

For me there are certain non negotiables eg I won't be friends with a racist but I don't feel people need to have the same views as me on all things.

I couldn't be friends with someone who asked my opinion on stuff and then hit the roof if I didn't simply parrot their view back to them.

Yes- this is a big problem at the moment. But she didn't use to be like this. She's very angry at her ex right now and have very tunnel vision about anything to do with him, money or their DD. I learnt over time from being supportive and listening to her that on this subject she doesn't want advice, she wants agreement so she can justify things in her own mind. She is not willing at all to see anyone else's POV with this.

She's not a horrible person, she's not racist or anything huge like that. But her whole world view seems so different to mine. Either this was covered up before and I didn't notice or she's dramatically changed in the last 18 months. I do get how going through a horrible separation can change someone.

Right now as far as she's concerned she's the only one on the planet with any issues. It's all me, me, me. She's not interested in how anyone else is. Meet ups are for her to vent and talk about herself not to have a mutual conversation or find out what's going on my life. Our mutual friend seems ok with this. Maybe my expectations are too high?

Having different views but tolerating each other is completely different to someone becoming aggressive with you if you don't see something the same way. That must be very uncomfortable for you. Are you able to talk to her about it or would it be better to back off for a while? Perhaps she is reacting to her situation but you don't have to be her emotional punchbag.

@Dacquoise

Having different views but tolerating each other is completely different to someone becoming aggressive with you if you don't see something the same way. That must be very uncomfortable for you. Are you able to talk to her about it or would it be better to back off for a while? Perhaps she is reacting to her situation but you don't have to be her emotional punchbag.

I have taken a step back. Something happened recently which was the final strew for me. The friendship was becoming very one sided and I didn't feel at all valued or that she actually cares.

Apparently she asked our mutual friend a lot if she has seen me- she's not happy we see each other 1-1. Even though it's fine for them to see each other 1-1. Apparently she asks if I am upset/angry with her - I am. But thinks I should message her first and isn't going to message me. So we have hit a stalemate. It's all so playground like I am not going to get into the she said/she did with her. The bottom line is for some time she's not been a great friend to me.

@Dacquoise

Having different views but tolerating each other is completely different to someone becoming aggressive with you if you don't see something the same way. That must be very uncomfortable for you. Are you able to talk to her about it or would it be better to back off for a while? Perhaps she is reacting to her situation but you don't have to be her emotional punchbag.

I don't know if I can tolerate her different views, I just disagree so much with them. I am not meaning political issues or stuff in the media I mean day to day views on life eg. It's ok to have an affair with a married man but wasn't when her DH did it. Her DH isn't paying her enough- he's paying the standard CM. Her DH lives in an nice, rich area in a two bed house. He doesn't need a two bed- when he has dc on access days. Other people- DH/dad should pay more so she can continue to work part-time. Her DH should basically have nothing nice as he's not paying her enough. I am too broke to go on a day out with my dd but have enough money to get Botox and my nails done. It's fine to double book and let people down. It's fine to be very late to someone's birthday or to always be late. It's fine to let others pay for your food/ holiday/present. It's fine to say you are ill or something similar if you can't be bothered to meet up when that person was expecting you and had put effort in. It's fine to let someone down because you or your dc would rather see x. Its fine to see married man on your access days and use others for childcare.

I also think it's fine to have different views as long as there is space for all the views. I have ended a similar friendship to yours, she was a long term single mum and she literally just wanted me to agree with her on everything. I am an idiot as she did it explicitly say this quite early on and we had a difficult conversation where I said I thought it was unrealistic to expect we would always see things the same way but then it was left and as time went on I realised she was like this on everything. Unfortunately I am in exactly the same position with another friend now so I wonder if it is me as well. Maybe I am not as tolerant as I should be but I am so fed up of listening to people bang on about themselves and then put down everyone else. Yawn.

From what you’ve said it’s less about differing views than her being a bit of a selfish dick. Unfashionable though it is, I have friends of all political shades and I’m fine with that ( tbh I think it’s a bit arrogant to assume one’s political views are going to land one on the right side of history) but if people’s behaviour to others or me was consistently crappy, I’d bin them off.

@PrisonerofZeroCovid

From what you’ve said it’s less about differing views than her being a bit of a selfish dick. Unfashionable though it is, I have friends of all political shades and I’m fine with that ( tbh I think it’s a bit arrogant to assume one’s political views are going to land one on the right side of history) but if people’s behaviour to others or me was consistently crappy, I’d bin them off.

You've hit the nail on the head. Differences in political views etc fine. Although, tbh we never really talk about world affairs.

But- yes, she seems to feel it's ok to treat others like rubbish. Other friends seem ok with that. Although, I get the impression she doesn't treat all friends like this.

She's also verbally abusive to her ex, which has nothing to do with me, and I wouldn't not be friends because of it. But it's more her entitled attitude to his money. But, last time I say her I got a taste of that verbal abusive when I dared to try and explain his possible POV.

You are suddenly not allowed to disagree with her and I think she started leaving me out/ not contacting me because she realised I wasn't going to agree with everything she said. She only wants 'yes' people around her who fit her narrative.

If you don’t enjoy the friendship anymore and feel it’s become one-sided in terms of support then it’s time to just quietly disengage and see less of her.

I don’t think you need to necessarily agree with friends on everything, and I have plenty of friends whose views I don’t share - but they’re good people and we have a lot of fun together and there’s mutual love and care and support, which is all that really matters. We avoid topics which might get heated and would seek advice from other friends who feel similarly instead. If your friend can’t do that then the friendship isn’t sustainable.