Mismatched sex drives and or ed

[Bythecooker]

I've been with my bf around 8 months. He is kind, attentive, the relationship is good. But he is increasingly disinterested in sex. I cannot determine if this is a physical issue or mental issue. I have tried to discuss it but it is not an easy thing to discuss and I
think this has maybe made it worse. For me it is really affecting the new relationship. I don't really want to walk away as I like him alot. Should I keep bringing it up which feels mean or just accept that either his desire or ability is just not there and accept a less sexual relationship? Both early 50s.

I'm taking it from your title that he had ED? I'm a bit confused because having ED and mismatched sex drives are different issues. Not that one can't affect the other.

It's pretty normal for sex to reduce after the initial passionate stage of the relationship. If he has ED, he might be anxious about it and that might reduce his desire. It has nothing to do with his attraction to you.

Will he see a doctor? It's important to check into the causes of ED and there is help available.

The confusion is because I'm not sure which it is! I'm not sure if he just doesn't fancy sex or whether he would like to but has Ed preventing it! I think you are right that maybe worrying about it is affecting his desire. I have tried to discuss it but it goes nowhere! So I don't know whether to keep bringing it up or just give it a bit of time, stop trying to initiate anything as it rarely goes anywhere and just see if the less pressure helps.

He should really be willing to talk to you about it. If he does have ED he could be embarrassed. Has he ever had ED when with you? You must know that and then you know it's an issue. If he's never had ED when ith you, then maybe it is mismatched drives. Whether that can be worked out requires communication. I do know what it's like to be with a man who is complicated in this regard so I sympathise.

Stop wasting your time and end it. He's not interested in dealing with this issue or in your enjoyment. Get rid and move on.

He has a couple of times lost the erection. He also often just never seems to get in the slightest aroused regardless of me touching him etc. This is what I don't understand as to whether that is lack of desire or ed. We don't get a huge amount of opportunity so when we do I would like some intimacy, I think he just thinks I'm a bit obsessed.

Well, ED is not the same as lack of desire. He might have desire and be aroused but his body isn't co-operating. In this case he needs a check up to rule out medical reasons for it.

Does he tell you he's aroused or does he just avoid the whole topic? If so, I might tell him he needs to talk with me because it's not fair to leave you uncertain like that. If you're going to have a workable partnership he has to partner and talk. If he won't, then you have a decision to make about whether you want to continue like this or move on.

The problem with Ed is that it is so awful for a man that it effects both the physical and psychological. It also becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

He thinks it will fail. Becomes so anxious about it that of course he does fail. Then gets to a stage where it's just easier to give up and feign interest rather than go through the humiliation of not being able to satisfy his partner.

There is only one way to deal with this. He needs to TALK to you and GP.. Most men would rather put their heads in the sand and pretend there is nothing wrong rather than discuss this. Which is a shame as there is a lot of help out there.

It does sound like ED. My husband has it and it's a difficult subject to talk to with him, so I can understand how it would be even worse trying to broach it with a newish boyfriend.

The thing is, if he has got ED and he isn't doing anything about it, nothing is going to change. He needs to address it - there is help available but it's up to the man to start the conversation . Your man doesn't seem inclined to do this - and frankly if he isn't interested now when the relationship is new, it isn't going to get any better later.

It's up to you what happens next -- you can keep trying to address the problem, but if he doesn't do anything about it you might need to think about your plans for the future with him. Good luck.

Thank you for all your insights. I do like him a lot so maybe I'll give it a while longer and see if he does anything about it.

I think maybe give him some time and space to settle and then try bringing it up gently.

These issues men are so sensitive with!

My partner has some ED issues, not all the time but certainly when he's tired, under stress, things on his mind etc. he loses it if he's too cold, too hot etc and for ages I thought it was me. We are young. He's not in his 30s yet so you can imagine how I felt for ages. I was so self conscious, thought he was gay at one point and I got so distraught and upset and made such a deal and stupidly/selfishly made it all about me didn't I. It got worse where he couldn't get hard at all. He even cried about it at one point.

When I started to realise i was making it worse and this was his issue, when I gave him time and dropped the pressure on him it got so much better. I even spoke to a friend about it who admitted the guy she was dating was the same! I realised it then that it happens and it can be dealt with.

Fast forward a year, It is there, it is underlying but it's improved to the point where it's not been an issue for months. our lovemaking is great and frequent and I have no doubt he fancies me. He's got his confidence back and if he feels too tired or stressed rather than trying to make it work he tells me and we try again when he's more rested.

Give him space because most likely he will be embarrassed about it. Drop the pressure because that will work against you both. But you do need to talk about it at some point down the line because it can be crippling in a relationship, so give him the confidence and the trust he needs in the meantime to be able to eventually open up about it.

@Aquamarine1029

Stop wasting your time and end it. He's not interested in dealing with this issue or in your enjoyment. Get rid and move on.

This. If sex is an important part of a relationship to you, then he is not for you. Staying with him means your sex life ending pretty soon. It doesn’t matter how well you get on otherwise. Sex is either an important part of a relationship to you or not. There are plenty of other 50 year olds with healthy sex drives.