Feeling so much mum guilt...

[Graceybaby]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a place to express how I'm feeling really.. don't have anyone I can talk to openly about it all and I guess just looking for un biased support and advice.

I was in my previous relationship for almost 13 years (unmarried).. we had a son together who is now almost 5. I ended the relationship about 2 years ago as I hadn't been happy for a long time, dont get me wrong his a great guy, great dad but I had to make a change it had taken a very long time to build the courage to make that decision, it was very hard on us both, I broke his heart which has been extremely difficult to live with because although I wasn't in love with him I did and do care for him alot. The hardest part has been not spending Every day with my son, it tears my heart apart everytime I'm not with him. We share his time between us pretty equally and for the most part it works out fine. But I just can't get passed my mum guilt, he is my everything and I love every ounce of him and I hate not being with him but I also know it's part of the decisions that i made and that breaks my heart.

It's been almost two years since we split and we've both moved on with new partners. Things are civil between us but he still holds a grudge and doesn't like to interact with me much which is perfectly understandable and fine. Now me and my new partner are engaged and I've just found out I'm pregnant which of course I'm happy about (very anxious but happy) but the mum guilt is just hanging over me constantly.. I just wonder how this will make my son feel and I never want him to feel left out or anything. My partner is fantastic with him and they adore eachother but I guess I just feel so guilty for 'ruining' his family unit and now bringing someone else into our new family..

I know in time things will settle down but I'm just riddled with guilt and feel like a shitty mum. My son's my world and I never want him to hate me for decisions I've made.. 😞

Maybe you should speak to someone professionally about this guilt. It’s normal to have guilt of course, we all do, but it’s not a constructive emotion and it sounds like you need closure…

I guess it's the hormones that's making you feel extra guilty. I think a lot of single Mum's carry that 'guilt' although I don't like to think of it like that. I'm a far happier person out of my exDH's life than I was in it and my DS has benefited too as a result. You are fortunate to have made another family unit and your DS is part of it. Don't let mistaken guilt rob you of your happiness.

Thank you @Incognitomum11 You are right it's a hard emotion and I hate feeling it. Im in the process of setting up some private counseling to hopefully help me get the closure I need.

@Walkingalot thank you, I am happier now and I am by far a better mum to my son, I guess as I said above I just need closure on what was my previous life.. after 13 years its going to take time I guess as above I need help with how I do that.

I think it’s a lot easier on kids when they’re so little- if he was 3 when you split he probably won’t have that many memories of his parents together.

Also if it helps, I wouldn’t trade my half sister for the world!

@Graceybaby that’s good. I think therapy is really healthy for us mums, because we carry so many feelings and responsibilities.

Hi OP, following this with interest as I feel like I'm in a similar situation to where you were a few years ago. I'm not sure I love my DH in the right way anymore, been together for 15 years and have a DS who's just turned 3. He's the main thing that stops me because I worry that I'll just feel guilty for the rest of my life and hate the fact he'd be going inbetween parents. Is your son happy? Has he adjusted to the change okay? I'm sure as long as he's happy and loved by both parents, and included as much as possible with the new baby it could be a really happy exciting time for him 😊 and all of you!