How to endure the next few months with DH whom I have decided to leave

[OperationMincemeat]

Married 25 years. DH and I have decided to separate. We haven't been getting along and he is turning into the typical angry/grumpy old man. Neither of us has anyone else ( yes sure of this). Finances agreed. He has a flat of his own to go to.

The only problem is that DS 17 who lives with us has A levels shortly. He has a very good uni offer and is working hard to achieve it. I need to stay in the house and keep things calm until he finishes. This is going to be hard as things are acrimonious. Just this morning we had a yelling match ( when DS was out). Of course each of us thinks the other has ruined his/her life which is why we are separating. I think all this resentment has built up over Covid. Did I mention that he refuses to go back to the office, even one day a week? That hasn't helped.

Can you go away on short holidays or trips? Literally as many as you can fit in? Stay out of the house? Short hotel stays. Library, swimming, friends, family, hotel? In your bedroom as much as poss? Take up a project for that time? 3 months is a long time if you literally hate living with someone.

I guess so. I left out an important fact earlier. His flat won't be ready for a while, maybe 3 to 4 months. I hate living with him, but after 25 years, I don't think I want to throw him out on the streets. We had some good times in the past. It is only in the last 2-3 years that it has got bad.

Be an adult. You need to keep it together for 3 months for the sake of your sons future. That is no time at all. No more screaming matches which are simply self indulgent. Either restrain yourself or remove yourself and go somewhere else. Also if you keep things calmer now you may have a more civilised separation. I repeat, be an adult.

Why can't you just agree to stay out of each other's way and keep your mouths shut? For the sake of your son. Is it really that hard?

Wasn't me who was doing most of the yelling tbh. He kicked off over something smalll... He's stomped out now.

@Aquamarine1029

Why can't you just agree to stay out of each other's way and keep your mouths shut? For the sake of your son. Is it really that hard?

Finding it very odd to not say much to each other beyond "Pass the salt" or " Get a loaf of bread." Esp being married so long.

Finding it very odd to not say much to each other beyond "Pass the salt" or " Get a loaf of bread." Esp being married so long.

But if that's what it takes to keep a calm atmosphere for your child then that's what you do, odd or not. Like the pp said, be an adult.

If he is that angry and resentful, I think you have no other solution than refusing to engage with him.
If he starts screaming at you/having a go etc… just say this is nit something you want to talk about just right now and walk away.

Step back. Don’t go into discussion about why you are where you are, who did what.
Just keep communication as simple as it can be.

I agree @OperationMincemeat but it will depends on how much effort HE is willing to put in to make things amicable.

If instead he is using you and emotional punching bag and is using an excuse to release his anger onto you, then you are keft with few options really.

I'd say its even more reasonable to leave then. Presumably he a aware you aren't getting along. Think he'd prefer it if one of you would just sod off tbh. So he could study without worrying you two are going to have a barny any moment.

If you can't leave yet then make a point of being out as much as possible.

Here for similar advice. I am biding my time to announce I want a divorce (ducks not caught yet) but I am practising my shrugs and okays and not caring about him so hopefully it won't be too bad once the ducks are sorted. Just don't engage, go to a different room. Easy to say though

I am just so sad and exhausted tbh. I don't know how we got here.
Will not engage.

Dear OP I know exactly how you feel these days and my heart is aching for you. I too recently separated after being together a little over 25 years, but I initiated it. After I told him I wanted out we lived together for only 4 more months until he moved out, but these four months felt like a century. We did not actually fight at all, as we usually did not in the past. His way of disciplining me was silent treatment, which for me was much harder. Anyway, I decided I could not sleep in the same bed with him anymore but because we did not want to tell the kids yet, I slept on a mattress on the floor in the same room. This time was a nightmare. I felt physically in pain the whole time. I honestly thought I would get sick and die. My body ached, I had anxiety, high blood pressure, heart palpitations. We pretended all was well for the sake of the kids, but it was so hard.

During this period, I was in therapy. I was also meditating, taking yoga classes and going out as much as stupid Covid restrictions would allow. Going for walks alone, with my kids or our dog, seeing my sister as much as I could and all this helped.

I know that some people continue to live together after they separate for the sake of the kids or financial reasons. I could never do that. Honest to God, if he had stayed a few months longer I would have lost my mind. I wish you all the best OP, stay strong. Hugs.

Thanks @movingon2022 that is how I feel, pretty much. It is a beautiful day today and in normal times we would all have gone out together, but instead here I am on social media because I literally feel too exhausted to go out.

Avoid avoid avoid. Have a rota in your head so you don't share spaces. Is this a good time to join a club or take up a hobby or go volunteering? Perhaps you could have a 100 days countdown on your phone to help you.

@OperationMincemeat I know, I understand, I was also spending hours on social media, especially on MN. I have to admit that I found so much support on MN and it really helped me. I was not sharing what I was going through with anyone in real life, especially in the begging, so coming here and sharing was huge relief. So do keep posting, we got you. However, do go out as much as possible. If you can make it to the park and just sit on a bench you would feel much better than staying in the house with your H. Also, be kind to yourself, do whatever makes you feel better. If you cannot do anything, its OK. What you are going through right now is very traumatic, it is hard, and it will get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better. Hang in there.

Could you talk to him, tell him you do not want to repeat what happened this morning and ask if you can agree some rules so you can all get through the next few months as easily as possible?

I will, yes.

I am already feeling so terribly lonely; no idea how I will cope when he actually moves out. Which will coincide with DS movng out for uni.

Avoid him as much as possible. I think once he moves out you will be so relieved. Prior to that you could start looking into stuff you are interested in that you can then continue.

If you have come to a mutual decision to separate, is it really not possible to sit down and discuss the situation (and agree to try and make the whole thing as civil as possible for your DS), even if that means staying out of each other's way as much as possible?

Did I mention that he refuses to go back to the office, even one day a week? That hasn't helped.

Can you go back to the office for a few days a week? Could help give you breathing space and distract you from what's going on at home.