I can't do right for doing wrong with my family while we are all grieving the loss of my dad

[RumHam]

Sorry in advance that I have wrote a novel, once I get started I can't stop

Me and my mum are more like sisters, we always have been. She had me young and had severe MH problems so my grandparents raised me as their own and with them, I had a great childhood. Before they fully took over as my parents, I was verbally and physically abused by my mum and she often kept me off school because she couldn't be bothered to get up early in the morning.

Anyway, my grandfather (to me, he was my dad) died suddenly in Nov. To say it was a shock and heartbreaking would be an understatement. I still can't believe it five months on. Gran suffers badly with panic attacks, anxiety, diabetes and arthritis. She has been living with my mum ever since he died. I knew grief would cause a lot of stress but lately it's been unbearable. Nothing I do for my mum is good enough. I call her and gran multiple times a day, I take gran out a few times a week so mum can get some time to herself, I stay overnight with gran at her own house to try and settle her back in etc but it's not good enough. My gran says I do more than enough for her, my husband says I do too much and don't think of myself and mum says I don't do enough.

I've recently been diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis (I'm only 29) and I have it in my feet, shoulder and elbows. I'm due to start Methotrexate next week. I have pain every single day and I walk with a limp and some days, I just can't walk at all for the pain. Despite this, I still try and do what I can for mum and gran. Yesterday, me and my husband both got our 4th covid jabs so we said we wouldn't be able to help out yesterday or today due to every single time we've had the jabs, we've been flu like ill for a day or 2 after it. Mum said that was fine and then earlier on today we got a call from her asking us to pick up something from the shop for her (a bench, so not essential food or anything) and my husband said no because he was feeling ill from the jab but he could pick it up on Sunday or arrange to have it delivered. Mum full on snapped saying he's a disappointment and she can't rely on him and she will never ask for anything ever again from us. She says this argument at least once or twice a week and usually over something trivial. We are also due to go to a gig together next week that has been put off for the last 2 years due to covid, today after 'letting her down', she said she's not going with me any more.

Along side the arthritis, I also have MH conditions (BPD/OCD/CPTSD) and drop attacks. My husband is my legal carer and we have a motability car because I had to give up my license due to collapsing at the wheel so I rely on my husband and the car to get about. My mum acts like my husband is her and my gran's carer and that the car is theirs. He's even said he often can't help me out because of how often he has to help them (when it's something mum could do like go to the shop five mins from her house). She also has a friend who helps out but she doesn't snap at them like she does with us when she can't get her way. If my gran cancels a day out due to bad panic attacks or an arthritis flare, mum's ok with that but if I do (which is rare, I have only cancelled twice since dad died in Nov), I get told she can't rely on me and I'm just making excuses to not take gran out.

It's creating tension not just between me and my mum but also in my marriage. It's getting to the point that the only time we go out now is to help them or to take gran out because mum is demanding stuff from us nearly every single day. We've tried scheduling a day that's just for us but mum always makes gran's appts that day and insists we take her.

Mum says some nasty things too like "I always knew my life would be hell when papa died and I'd have to look after gran" or "my life will begin again when gran dies" which reminds me of things she used to say to me as a kid - "you weren't an easy child to love"

Just looking for some advice or even a shoulder to cry on. I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong with anyone in my life atm, even myself. I feel like I am being stretched from every angle.

Oh sweetie, that's a nasty illness you have. Sorry you're going through this.

You'll probably get the best advice on the Relationships board (check out the Stately Homes thread there for folk with relatives who are past all reason) - report this thread to Mumsnet and ask them to move it for you.

Sounds like your mum has a personality disorder. You need good boundaries and accountability. What happens if you tell her she has been unreasonable?

@speakball

Sounds like your mum has a personality disorder. You need good boundaries and accountability. What happens if you tell her she has been unreasonable?

She was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was a kid. No idea if she has a PD too but I wouldn't be surprised. I was diagnosed with BPD at 18 and I'm still in treatment for it 12 years later. I wouldn't be surprised if my mum has a PD too. My own CPN has even said my mum most likely has narcissistic personality disorder. My mum hasn't had MH treatment for about 15 years now other than just staying on her antidepressants. She's had no psychology/psychiatry appts whereas I've been under the MH team since I was a teen and never been without support, appts, check ups etc.

When I tell her she's been unreasonable and especially when she's not agreeing to deals we've previously made such as the other day when we told her we wouldn't be helping for a couple days after being ill with the jabs, all I get is I'm a disappointment, she can't rely on me, I only ever think of myself, my husband is useless and he's no carer (she means to her btw, not to me who he is a registered carer for!) and generally she's just a nasty piece of work. Unless I take away 100% of her responsibilities then nothing I do is good enough even if I do 99.9% of what she wants

What do you get out of the relationship? It doesn't seem like she values YOU or cares about you. Have you thought about cutting back contact, you are allowed to. You don't have to ever tolerate abuse just because she's biologically related.

I am afraid you have to call her bluff . You sound like you have a very caring husband and you don’t want to lose him.

If she says she can’t rely on you then say yes you are right . And I am now backing off. You don’t appreciate me. I have my own health problems so I have to prioritise.

Tell her to get in contact with the gp and they will give her the details of a community group to help with appointments .

Just have a rest . Then if you want say I will do one shop per xxxx period of time and one appointment per xxxxx.

Have a chat with your DH so you are both “ singing off the same hymn sheet .”

If she insults you just ignore her.

Every time she asks just say , no , you told me I am no good so now I am putting myself first.

Focus on your Gran. You will never be able to please your Mum.

You poor thing.

I can't really comment on the relationship bit but I have psa and before I started methotrexate I had difficulty walking from stiffness. I swear it's a miracle drug. You'd really not know there's anything wrong with me now. The stiffness was quite visible.

Chin up.

You're doing amazing

That sounds tough. Don't pander to her anymore. When she snaps don't react emotionally. Just say sorry you feel that way but I'm not going to be spoken to that way. Walk away, hang up...

I always see people recommend the book Toxic Parents. Maybe that's something to look into.

Sadly for your own mental health, I would suggest going no contact. Maybe once your gran passes if it would be too difficult to do just now.

Long post alert incoming!

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for your replies. Sorry I haven't replied sooner, things have been hectic lately. Its all came to a head now with me and my mum and even though she has done worse things to me in the past, this just took the biscuit.

So we went to a concert at the weekend. It had been booked for a few years but cancelled multiple times due to Covid. It was a lifelong ambition of mine to see this performer and a huge thing to tick off my bucket list. We went halfers on the tickets a couple of years ago so I always knew I would be going with her. The concert was in a city quite a bit away from home so we went up a couple of days before to go shopping and relax. The first two days were actually great. We got on well, had fun and there was no tension that I could sense from either of us. Then came the gig night. All was well until we got there.

We both had some drinks. In the entire night I had 3 JDs and she had about 6 glasses of wine. From the get go, the booze seemed to go to her head. She was shouting, standing up when she shouldn't and myself and people behind her couldn't see (and politely asked her to stop unless it was a standing up song), she was talking to absolutely everyone, spilled her drink on the man sitting beside her and then at the encore, she left me for half an hour to try and get some closer pics of the stage and I suffer from MH issues remember and I was in the biggest venue in the city, I was a nervous wreck on my own. I thought she just went to the toilet and would be a few mins. I never realised she was at the front until I got a phone call at the end of the show from her saying she would get me outside because she got chucked out because someone slapped her!!!!

So we got outside and this is when I realised how drunk she was. She could barely stand in a straight line and kept saying in that annoying drunk voice "I'm fine!!!!" over and over. Then she said she got slapped and then she said she got punched instead of slapped and then she said she didn't get hit at all! Everything she said was contradictory. We walked back to our hotel which was about 20 min walk. The entire time was spent making sure she didn't walk onto the road and to not pick a fight with anyone who walked by us. My husband stayed on the phone with us too to make sure we were ok and got back safely. He could hear her in the background and how drunk and aggressive she was becoming. I could barely walk from the pain in my joints (I have PsA) but had no choice to keep going as the taxi queues were about 2 hours long.

On the walk back at first she was just a typical drunk and then she became nasty. She was saying that she never goes out with me because I am too sensible and boring and that I mother her. Well someone had to be the mother that night especially! And that I am like all the bad parts of her parents (uptight, always worrying, ill - can't drink or do much!) and then she started saying her usual that I am a disappointment and so is my husband and that even my papa (her dad but to me he was my dad) had nasty things to say about me and my husband. I was livid and hurt but didn't say anything back, my only goal was to get to the hotel and get her to bed.

We got to the hotel and I could barely walk any more, the pain was horrendous and she started packing saying she cant stay with me and went to reception to order a taxi 50 miles back home and she was so drunk that she didn't zip her suitcase and all her stuff dropped out as she walked and I had to pick it all up as well as making sure she didn't wander off into the street. She then decided to stay in the hotel but instead of coming back to the room, she stayed in the bar downstairs and drank with strangers until 3am. I was on my own for about 4 hours that night in a strange city, while ill physically and mentally. My gran kept calling me every 5 mins to go down and check on her but after going down twice and asking her nicely to come upstairs and getting hell back from her, I told gran no. I asked staff to keep an eye on her and they did. She was drinking with about 6 other people - some her age and some mine. She had to be helped back to her room.

The next morning, she doesn't understand why I am fuming and when I explained she said "oh yeah its all about you, I am not allowed to have fun". I asked her "what if I went to that gig with my husband, friend, cousin or whoever and they got so drunk they left me for 30 mins, got attacked, were so drunk that I nearly had to carry them to the hotel, got verbally abused by them and then they left me for 3 hours in a strange city to drink with strangers? Wouldn't that be a dick move?! Doesn't matter who you go with, you stick together especially in a city and as females" and she said yes I was right but I got the smallest apology to the point I barely heard it. All she said more was about how rough she was.

The concert was fantastic but its been tainted now. I am still so angry but at the same time, it opened my eyes even more to her.

You need to put sone distance between you and your mum-you’re turning yourself inside out to try and please her and she still abuses you, so back right off and look after yourself, your gran and your own life.

Time to go very low contact, this relationship is obviously really healthy for you. I am surprised your husband hasn't put his foot down more to be honest. Focus on your health and your gran.

Seems like it'd be better all round if you could move your beloved gran in with you. She'd be loved and cared for, and you wouldn't have to speak to your mother regularly or barely even at all. Is that an option?