I'm jealous of my friend

[LolaBagshot]

My best friend of 40 years - Jane* - is the nicest, most lovely person. She hasn't a bad bone in her body, and everyone always really likes her. We're like sisters - we've been through so much together and have been each other's rocks.

A few years ago, I joined a local outdoors group - they do hiking, running, camping, adventure weekends away - that sort of thing. It took me a huge amount of courage to join because I'm quite shy, and, apart from Jane, I don't have many close friends. I actually spent a good six months or more just following the group on Facebook trying to build up the courage to join. Anyway, I joined and I love it. The activities have done wonders for my mental health, and I've made so many friends from this group - really good close friends who I'm really close to and socialise with.

Jane had been having problems with low mood, so I encouraged her to join this group because I was convinced it would help her mood. So she joined, and she immediately got on really well with the friends I'd made. They've swapped numbers, they've become close ... and it turns out I'm jealous of this :-(

I know I'm completely unreasonable. No one's leaving me out of anything - I haven't been Wendied or anything. I think it's maybe because Jane has always found it so easy to make friends, whereas I struggle. And I think I'm feeling a bit territorial - like, these are MY friends. Aagh, I hate myself for it. I love Jane, but I'm finding myself wanting my new friends to like me more than they like her, which is appalling of me and a really ugly side to me that I never knew I had - I've never been a jealous person, so I really dislike this about myself.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this thread: a kick up the backside maybe??

*Not real name!

What is it that you're jealous of? They're friends with both of you, nobody has left you out. If you want your own friends join more groups independently, but it sounds like you've got a good set up there?

Well done for plucking up the courage to join the group, and finding a hobby that you love. Well done also for being there for your friend when she needed you, and suggesting something that you thought might help her. You were right. I bet she's really grateful to you for that.

As you said, noone is leaving you out. Janet might not stick with the hobby. Or she might. Whether she does or not shouldn't affect your enjoyment of it or your new friendships.

It's OK to feel a bit put out about it and not really understand why. You know, on paper, that you shouldn't be put out, so I think the feeling will go in time.

I think a bit of friendship jealousy is normal but this is all about how you see yourself. It’s hard when you have a friend who is naturally more gregarious, not to compare yourself, but these people like you and are friends with you on your own merits.

Just because you like Jane doesn’t mean you don’t like your other hiking friends, and just because they like her it doesn’t mean they like you less.

You did a really nice thing by supporting your friend and introducing her to new people when she felt low.

Thank you for your comments & also for being understanding!

I think probably the crux of it is that, apart from my outdoors-group friends and Jane, I don't have any other good friends, whereas Jane has other good friends outside of this group and me. I think it's made me feel like it put me on a more equal footing with her, but now my friends are her friends as well. I realise how pathetic that sounds!! And actually, writing it out like this does help somewhat in realising that it's all really silly

I agree with everything other posters have said but I just wanted to add: don't feel bad or shameful for feeling jealous. Jealousy is a normal emotion, just like sadness, regret, happiness etc. We all experience it from time to time and it isn't always rational. You sound like a lovely person; you did something thoughtful for your friend who was suffering, which was really nice of you. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to have a human moment - I'm sure the feeling will fade in time.

I totally get it. But Jane sounds lovely so she’s not thinking of it like you did. Is just think of it as how nice now Jane can help make this a really nice group and I can “share the effort” of being social