LTB?

[SkyK]

Hi,
Posting for some advice as I genuinely don’t know if this is a situation where I should be leaving or working on my relationship.
I’m married, two young kids and we’ve been together for 12 years.
My husband is usually lovely, kind, caring, hard working and a great dad. He has always however had issues with alcohol. It turns him into a different person and he can be often very aggressive and argumentative for no reason. He has never been physically violent but has occasionally done things such as smashing things on floor or pushed me out the way and swearing at me etc.
He is always very apologetic the next day and usually doesn’t remember. Whilst at the time of the event I am always adamant I am leaving him, the next day because he’s back to normal, I have always ended up forgiving him and taking him back. I have threatened to leave multiple times. Sometimes I recognise that I’ve contributed to arguments as when he’s aggressive to me, I stand my ground or tell him he’s being a twat which then results in things escalating. I’ve learnt mostly to bite my tongue, keep out of his way when he’s drunk and let it pass.

After several ultimatums, he now recognises his problem with alcohol and has cut back massively on drinking and so things have been good for a while without any arguments. Until last night. We were at a family event, he got wasted (after promising me he wouldn’t). I knew he was drunk
So I kept out of his way until the end of the evening when we I needed to get kids home. This is when it all kicked off again, he flew off the handle at me in front of kids and several of his family members, swearing, ranting, calling me all kinds of names, telling me to F off etc etc.My children were upset and crying because of it. I was hugely embarrassed and tried to diffuse situation to just get home and calm things down for my kids. Which I managed to do.
His family were horrified by his behaviour and told him how out of order he was but I just tried to brush it under the carpet, explained he was just wasted and we needed to go.
Cut to today, he’s apologies, said the usual he won’t drink anymore. Said his family have told him how horrible he was.
I just don’t know what to do. I do love him and care about him terribly and I can see how conflicted he is and how awful he feels because he really is not at all like this when he’s sober. That said, I feel like perhaps I’ve just got so used to it that I’ve become desensitised to being treated like this and things are never going to change?

I am fortunately financially ok, the higher earner and not dependent on him in that respect so I could afford to leave albeit it would be difficult and I worry it would upset the kids so much to break the family up. It’s also just doesn’t feel right as when he’s sober our relationship is generally pretty good.
Is this worth fighting for or do you think this relationship sounds like a lost cause??

To clarify. I think there’s something wrong with someone who kicks off like that. Don’t know what. Do you? Whether alcohol is involved or not makes no difference is my thought. It’s sad of course. But I would not want to live with them or live in any proximity to them.

What kind of help would there be for this? Anger management? I don’t think he’s an alcoholic as such, he can go several weeks without drinking.

It's problem drinking. A huge amount of people who to go AA are problem drinkers, not alcoholics who drink every day.

We’ve talked just now. I’ve told him this is the last time, too many broken promises and we need to sort out a way to try and split amicably because I can’t carry on being treated like this. Too many ultimatums with short term change that doesn’t last.
He’s basically just agreed. Said he knows im right and he understands. He said he knows he’s broken him promises and he won’t be drinking again but that I’m totally within my rights and justified to end things. I suspect he’ll be expecting me to not go through with it, like I always have done previously. So guess I now just need to start working out the split logistics… why is life so complicated!

My aunt stayed with my alcoholic uncle, as she never had the courage to go it alone. He died aged 47 from multiple organ failure - and no one had a clue that he was that far down the line as he hid it so well.

As adults themselves, my cousins have nothing to do with her. They don't thank her at all for staying.

By staying, you're just putting him before your kids. I know that sounds harsh, and I don't want to kick you while you're down, but there is no miracle cure, no lightbulb moment. You're waiting for a moment that will never come. The majority of alcoholics die drunk and alone.

He is a binge drinker.
He is an alcoholic.
You are teaching your children that this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship.
You do not have a stable happy family.
You are going along waiting for the next bomb to drop.
You need to demonstrate boundaries to your children for their future.
You need to show them that you are strong enough to protect them all by yourself.
After his showdown, everyone knows he is a drunk, an aggressive drunk. He has pushed you before... next time it could escalate. And it might not be you at the receiving end.. it might be one of the kids.
And now you are saying that would never happen... he would never do that...
It is only one more step from his tantrum in front of the family... and an easy one in the heat of a drunken moment.
Dont make excuses for him...protect your children and yourself.

My post crossed with your update. Glad to read it.
Stick with your decision.
You are doing the right thing.
You CAN be friends after a divorce, with strong boundaries and defined consequences.
Good luck.

I think the only option is for him to give up drinking. If he can't control himself after a couple of drinks then it's the only option for him. It's really simple and if he's a good man then he'll do this. It really isn't such a big deal to do...people have got too dependent on alcohol for relaxation and to have a good time. It's actually extremely destructive and ruins people's lives - emotionally and physically. God knows why it's so socially acceptable.

I am a member of AA and my story is similar to your husband's. You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. For me if I had so much as 1 drink I couldn't stop. It would always end with me getting wasted. I then could go a weeks without drinking again. I tried everything to control my drinking but in the end the only thing that worked was AA. I now attend regular meetings and follow a 12 step program. I have been sober for years

OP what you describe is called the "Cycle of Abuse". You should Google it and then I think you can answer your own question.

A father that is abusive to their mother in front of them is way worse for children than a divorce.

Well done OP that can't have been easy

You've done the right thing. Stick to your guns and make him accountable for HIS actions.
Stay strong.

You can, will, must do it. Good luck

You may not think he's an alcoholic but alcoholics are people who are dependent on and abuse alcohol. That's pretty much who you described, he doesn't have to do it every day. Has he agreed to stop drinking completely? That would be my condition for staying.

@DontLandMeInIt

He flew off the handle at me in front of kids and several of his family members, swearing, ranting, calling me all kinds of names, telling me to F off etc etc.My children were upset and crying because of it. I was hugely embarrassed

The embarrassment was all his. You’ve tried standing up to him. You’ve tried being quiet. Makes no difference. There’s something wrong with him to kick off like that - whether it’s the anger or the anger enabled by alcohol. It’s nothing to do with you or your marriage. That he made your children cry in front of everyone it must have been spectacularly bad behaviour. (Yet) another verbal apology from him means what exactly? Get your ducks in a row.

Yes, get your ducks in a row and tell his family - who, while ´horrified' are no doubt partly responsible for his state - to step in and sort him out.