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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told husband it’s over

40 replies

Lill1e · 16/04/2022 10:59

Hi can someone help me please and offer some advice. For the past year or more I’ve been feeling very depressed and so unsure in my marriage. To be honest I’ve never really been in love with my husband but I did grow to love him over the years. We were only together a couple of months when I got pregnant why my first child. He is a good man but not an affectionate man and can be quiet cold and controlling. I put up with it over the years but the last few months I found it hard to put up with and instead of saying something (which I have done loads over the years) I just went into a deep depression. I knew I had to get out of this marriage. I have two daughters one is 18 and the other is 9. I tried to stay for them. Surprisingly my husband noticed something was wrong with me. I told him how unhappy I was and that I cried all the time. He said he would listen more to me but i didn’t notice any change and to be honest I felt it was too little too late. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago and I told him it was over I just needed to be on my own as my mind was so fragile I needed peace and no more fighting. I asked him to give me space for a month at least to see how we get on. After lots of saying no he finally agreed to two weeks. but before they were up I told him again that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. The peace I felt while he was gone for those weeks was so perfect. He came back before the time was up and still begged me to give us another go. When I said no he called my two daughters and told them I was breaking up the family even though he had begged me not to and that their lives would change and never be the same again. He said a lot more than this basically blaming me for everything. My 9 year old daughter was so upset. I felt like just saying ok let’s stop and get back to normal again - I’ll put up with it for the kids. But some how I didn’t. He’s still insisting in living here and said he is putting the house up for sale. The house is in both our names. Thankfully I don’t think he has turned my girls against me as they are still so loving towards me like we always were. His family have been on to me telling me he deserves better than me and basically believing all his lies. I feel like I have no one to support me. Can anyone offer me any advice please? Is it worth my while sticking to my decision or would it be easier just go back to being a family again until my youngest is older. I don’t feel I am strong enough for all this. Thanks

OP posts:

Momijin · 16/04/2022 11:46

Cold and controlling. No wonder you don't love him.

Continue with your plans of leaving him for your sake and the sake of your children.

Pinkbonbon · 16/04/2022 12:17

First off - he is NOT a good man.

Good men are not controlling. Or emotionally manipulative.

Get out, FOR your daughters sake. She should not be raised in a home seeing her mother abused and miserable.

You would be doing her a massive disservice to stay. Because this shit is not normal and she shouldn't be raised thinking it is.

It's not a family. It's a jail cell. Get you and your kid out. Give her a safe space away from him to retreat to and a happy, brave, free mum. Don't be pulled back into his farce.

Pinkbonbon · 16/04/2022 12:19

But I would let him sel the house. Just make site to inform the solicitor that half the money is yours and us to come to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 12:20

You have 100% done the right thing, and you'd be a fool to go back to him. Fuck his family and their irrelevant, ignorant opinions. What they think doesn't matter.

Original poster

Lill1e · 16/04/2022 12:55

Thanks for replies xxx I really appreciate it. He is being so bad today throwing everything at me that he is selling the house and going for custody of the girls. I don’t want to sell but he is saying it’s my fault and the kids have no home anymore anyway

OP posts:

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 13:02

You should call Womens aid for support.

He is controlling and abusive.

He has weponised your children by telling them what he did.

A shit husband and a shit father.

A good man would never want to hurt you and use his children, hurting them in the process.

He is a bad man.

Stay strong.

Get any paperwork together.

Sell the bloody house.
Who cares.
Just get away from him.

And to hell with his family.
Who cares about them and his lies.

Just get free.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 13:12

@Lill1e

If this doesn't show you completely and exactly what a vile prick this man is, nothing will. As for him "going for custody", I would literally laugh in his face. There is no way he could ever take your children away from you.

Every second of this tantrum is just his last ditch effort to control you so he can keep his nice easy life. Don't allow it to work.

The very first thing you need to do on Monday is to make an appointment with a solicitor.

Pinkbonbon · 16/04/2022 13:18

Avoid him as much as possible. He is just trying to scare and manipulate you. He's a pathetic bully.

They all threaten full custody. It's a load of horseshit. A. They would never get it and B. They wouldn't want it if they did xD

Thibk i'd even rather stay in a car with my kids than live in a house with that asshole nut job tbh.

Pinkbonbon · 16/04/2022 13:23

Also, you may not need to sell the house (speak with a solicitor). But you'd probably be wise to. Have a fresh start somewhere where he soesnt have access. Even if it means renting or buying a smaller place. Even if it means moving to a different town. Anything to be free of him. Life is too short.

Ilady · 16/04/2022 13:23

You and your husband have not been getting on for a while now. Your sick of the fighting and stress you have been under. You told him how you felt but he made no effort to improve things between you or even said why don't we go to marriage counseling. Even when you asked him to move out for 2 weeks he came back early thinking you change your mind.

He is thick now because he is no longer getting his own way. He told your daughter's that it your fault your marriage is over and is bad mouthing you to his relations. He back living with you and has told you he is putting the house up for sale.

At this stage I get all your financial details together along with his pension details and go to a solicitor about a divorce. My feeling is that he does not want to do this and is going to make your life as difficult as possible so you will stay with him. He is controlling and emotionally manipulative. You realised how better things were for you when he moved out. Don't take him back or put up with this situation again because long term it not good for your own physical and mental health. It not good for your daughter's to see the way he treats you is ok either because long term you don't want to see them in your situation.
I know the next few months will be hard but just think that long term your and daughters deserve to be in a happy home without tension and fighting. Along with this you won't be putting up with his moods ect.

M0RVEN · 16/04/2022 13:32

You need legal advice .

And you need a confide in friends / family members / colleagues who will support you. Please let me be clear - NOT his friends and family.

And only those of your friends who you know will support you in your decision.

Stop talking to your husband about it. Just talk about day to day things like who is picking up your DD. And definitely stop talking to his family - really what we’re you even thinking of, picking up the phone to them.

Momijin · 16/04/2022 13:32

@Lill1e

Don't listen to him. Speak to a solicitor and then decide how you want to go about it.

Original poster

Lill1e · 16/04/2022 14:02

@M0RVEN

You need legal advice .

And you need a confide in friends / family members / colleagues who will support you. Please let me be clear - NOT his friends and family.

And only those of your friends who you know will support you in your decision.

I know I shouldn’t have even acknowledged them but they texted me they didn’t ring. If they rang I definitely wouldn’t have answered. I’m so thankful to everyone for the advice. It’s nice to know I’m not doing anything wrong to the children as they’ve always been my main concern xx

OP posts:

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 16/04/2022 14:11

Stay the course! You are doing the right thing, but you may not even realise it til you come out the other side.

I live by the words is EM Forster, 'the only way out is through', which is so true. You can do this. Plus it'll be better for your daughters in the long run. It will teach them to aim higher and trust their instincts.

You've got this.

speakball · 16/04/2022 14:34

There is nothing to discuss, when he comes out with his threats and accusations jusy keep repeating 'I understand you're angry and upset but I need to sperate for my mental health'. He will want you to get upset and angry, he is effectively trying to bully you back in to the same old same old for his benefit, he doesn't care about how you feel, he just wants to basically frighten you into relenting. It's no wonder the relationship is non existent. Keep posting here, read about abusers and control tactics.

Original poster

Lill1e · 16/04/2022 16:10

Thank you all so much. The fact that no one said it would be easier to stick it out for another few years til youngest daughter is older has given me the confidence to keep going and stick to my decision. You have been a great help and thank you all again xx

OP posts:

SpinningMeSoftly · 16/04/2022 16:19

I agree with pp ^^ that it is imperative that you see a good divorce solicitor asap. You want to be looking at financial arrangements and the living arrangements for your 9 year old.

He gets no say in the arrangements for your 18 year old DD - that's down to her. He will not get 'custody' of your 9 year old - he's been watching too many US crime dramas.

He cannot sell the house without your agreement.

So handing these issues to a solicitor is a good move. Ignore his family - block them, even, or mute them. You need peace and quiet sometimes from the background chatter of partisan numpties.

dane8 · 16/04/2022 18:59

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M0RVEN · 16/04/2022 20:38

@Lill1e

No, no one has said that. And no one will say that because we are in your side. You don’t need to go living in an abusive and unhappy marriage.

Original poster

Lill1e · 18/04/2022 11:53

He’s crying all the time now and begging me to give it another go. Even crying in front of our youngest who’s now also begging me to take him back. I’m a soft person so part of me is feeling sorry for him but I’m still sticking to my decision and hopefully nothing will break me. He’s still in the house too

OP posts:

Chattycatty · 18/04/2022 12:10

I was you 7 years ago with 4 dc aged between 21 and 4 . I stuck to my guns and IT WAS THE BEST THING IVE EVER DONE. He's the same miserable controlling man he always was but it doesn't matter anymore. Get out your girls will be great. You will be amazing.

dane8 · 18/04/2022 14:21

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RandomMess · 18/04/2022 14:30

He will just get more controlling if you cave.

Keep on keeping on

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2022 15:28

Tell your child 'daddy does not treat me right so I have to leave. You should never stay with a partner who is mean to you. But I love you very much and that will never change'.

That way you are taking away his power to use the child against you. At least, some of it.

Pinkbonbon · 18/04/2022 15:31

Oh and then it your child asks 'but can you give him another chance?' You say 'if a bully pushes you over in the playground, how many chances would you give them to do it again? I was wrong to give him more chances. I won't give him anymore. I'll just stay away from him'.

Be honest, be open. You shouldn't badmouth him but it's OK to call bullying behaviour what it is. A good life lesson for her too that she shouldn't hang around trying to placate nasty people.

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