Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How to get my DP to stay out longer than 5 minutes?

20 replies

Psychgrad · 16/04/2022 07:24

Anyone else struggle with this? I need advice? My dp is way more introverted than I am, he is at home by default unless I plan something for us but even when we do go out, the end goal for him is to get home as soon as possible.

For example, yesterday he got off work early and I was pleasantly surprised that he asked me to come meet him, since I was off with no plans I agreed but when I got there we had one drink and he was taking about getting home already and how we’ll just have one more. I suggested going to a park and enjoying the sun, he initially said yes but then changed his mind, I then suggested going for ice cream, we did but he didn’t even want to sit down and enjoy it but wanted to walk to train station with it and then just go home.

So I spend an hour getting to his work place (we live in london) to spend an hour just doing nothing to then get back on a train for another hour. When we got home I said well, what are we going to do now? It was only 5pm and he got cranky saying he was tired from work (he worked for two hours, mostly sitting). So we watched tv and went to bed at 10pm on a bank holiday weekend. How exciting.

Please tell me I’m not the only one, we are quite different as I prefer to be out exploring, socializing. He could stay indoors for days, and not even feel like he’s missing out on anything. Is there a way to help him just enjoy being out more, I sometimes try planning/ booking a few things in one day so at least we have permanent plans.

OP posts:

BuddhaAtSea · 16/04/2022 07:31

My ExH was like that. I tried to get him out/socialise with friends at ours, and when he did, he was morose, then became rude, then I divorced him.

I’m now with a guy who’d say yes to whatever crosses my mind, and I do the same for him, it’s fun, it’s spontaneous and I’m so much happier.
Tell your DP my story.

Coriandersucks · 16/04/2022 07:34

You both want different things. There’s nothing wrong with the way he is but if it doesn’t suit you then you’re not compatible. You’re not going to change him and will only end up bitter and resentful if you keep trying.

Robin843 · 16/04/2022 07:38

Doesn't sound like you're compatible. Neither of you are wrong but you have to consider if you can accept this long term. He won't change.

Beachsidesunset · 16/04/2022 07:41

'We are quite different.'

Original poster

Psychgrad · 16/04/2022 07:45

To be fair we are already together 16 years so this is nothing new and something I have battled to accept for the duration of our relationship. I don’t really mind him being introverted for the most part as a lot of my friends are but it does get irritating from time to time and I need to vent! The funny thing is when he’s at a party or out with a big group, he’s the life and soul of the party (he’s socially awkward but is really good at using this to his advantage and cracking jokes etc) when he’s with me he’d rather be home, snuggling up -which is ok sometimes but not always.

OP posts:

Cstring · 16/04/2022 07:47

You can’t change someone…they have to want to change for themselves and it doesn’t sound like he wants to?
Either you accept that he’s not going to come out with you and you do things alone, or consider if you’ll put up with this long term. Neither of you is wrong- you just like different things.

Morechocmorechoc · 16/04/2022 07:54

Well maybe talk to him about it and compromise. Bank Holidays he needs to go out for a day with you and then can have a day at home. If you're compromising staying in with him he needs to compromise going out with you. Being introverted is nothing to do with him not wanting to sit with his partner at the pub or go to the park. Thats just wanting to stay home! Introverted is being shy around other people. He shoukd still be able to manage time out with you!

Momijin · 16/04/2022 07:57

My brother is like this so my SIL does things without him. I think she may leave him after their kids leave home. They've been married 25 years.

Notjustabrunette · 16/04/2022 08:20

I had a boyfriend like this once. This was one of the reasons why we split up. I remember one bank holiday weekend he wanted to stay in all weekend, all my friends were out enjoying themselves. I didn’t have fomo, I was missing out. We split, i met someone new and we have traveled the world together. He the still lives in the same area. And I’m guessing still doesn’t get out much.
You have a choice, you can either live separate lives where you spend a lot of time apart doing your on thing and both be ok with that, or find someone you’re more compatible with.

Original poster

Psychgrad · 16/04/2022 08:31

Thanks for input everyone. I’ll try talk to him about compromising, normally when I bring it up, he can see where he’s being unreasonable. To be fair we do have plans on Sunday and Monday so I guess I also need to learn to relax too and accept that he doesn’t want to fill every spare moment with things.

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 16/04/2022 08:31

I’m surprised you’ve managed 16 years together when you’re clearly so different! I expected this to be a new relationship. It sounds like you both want very different things.

Shadowside · 16/04/2022 08:57

After 16 years he won't change. Live your own life and leave him at home.

gannett · 16/04/2022 09:05

@Psychgrad

I can't really imagine battling to accept a fundamental aspect of my partner's personality for 16 years!

You both have normal but different personalities, I don't even think it's necessarily incompatible except if you expect the other person to change. I know a few couples with a sociable/introverted dynamic and the sociable one just happily gets out and about without the introverted partner.

As a sociable introvert what I will say is that I can also be the life and soul of the party but I need to recharge my social skills at home, by myself, for a few days afterwards. I'm better at parties than DP's, but he has a "must get out and about every day" mentality that I don't understand. I also hate being spontaneous - he'll suggest doing something, like, TODAY, and I'll just stare in horror because I've already mapped out my day of doing nothing in my head.

Original poster

Psychgrad · 16/04/2022 09:38

Oh @gannett I think my DP could have written the same thing as you. I too have a ‘let’s get out and about everyday’ mentality. Tbh we do just make fun of each other at this point but sometimes my expectations just seem to be too high and it can be hard to just laugh our differences off. Interesting that you say you’re the life and soul of the party like my DP, even though I’m extroverted I’m actually quite reserved at parties. I think what I need to do is just remind myself that this is his personality and just accept that, the same way he accepts my needy extroverted ways. I also think I’ll be more clear about what I want from our days off so we don’t end up being on completely different pages. Thanks guys, I needed a kick up the bum.

OP posts:

Musttryharder2021 · 16/04/2022 10:02

@Psychgrad

Do you have children or planning on having any? Why have you battled to accept this?

Xfan · 16/04/2022 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Monr0e · 16/04/2022 11:27

You say you already have plans for tomorrow and Monday so he seems happy to be out and about when it is pre arranged

I'm a bit similar to your DP I think. I'm not great with spontaneity, I like to know in advance what I'm doing and when. If DH suddenly says let's go out for tea, and in my head we were going to be at home it throws me. DS is the same as me, we always joke he needs plenty of notice to be sociable. But when he is out he always has a good time and is great at getting on with other people. We are not boring horrible people, just different to DH and DD who will jump at any chance to go out and about.

gannett · 16/04/2022 11:42

@Psychgrad

Oh *@gannett* I think my DP could have written the same thing as you. I too have a ‘let’s get out and about everyday’ mentality. Tbh we do just make fun of each other at this point but sometimes my expectations just seem to be too high and it can be hard to just laugh our differences off. Interesting that you say you’re the life and soul of the party like my DP, even though I’m extroverted I’m actually quite reserved at parties. I think what I need to do is just remind myself that this is his personality and just accept that, the same way he accepts my needy extroverted ways. I also think I’ll be more clear about what I want from our days off so we don’t end up being on completely different pages. Thanks guys, I needed a kick up the bum.

Yes I do love a party - but I usually know about nights out in advance and there's a "point" to it for me. I struggle with stuff sprung on me at the last minute.

eg, if on Tuesday DP says, weather looks nice at the weekend, shall we go for a walk, and shall we explore this route? I'm all in. If he says on Saturday, I feel like going for a walk today, not sure where - well, if the weather's like now I might be OK, but anything less than glorious weather and I'll be like, I'm stopping at home thanks.

I think making clearer plans and being light-hearted about your differences is definitely the way forward!

Gerwurtztraminer · 16/04/2022 15:10

Firstly stop using 'introvert/extrovert' as the excuse or reason for his behaviour. So many on MN use these terms without understanding what they mean and to excuse bad behaviour. These are simply psychological terms for some underlying personality traits, are on a continuum and can be situational, and do not have to determine behaviour in a specific situation.

Introverts can enjoy going travelling, attending parties and social events or talking to people. They can certainly handle a sit down in a park for an ice cream if they want to. Extroverts can need time alone and enjoy reading or other solitary hobbies, and aren't all life & soul of the party all the time. (If you must, google Ambivert, because that's what most people are anyway).

Forget the labels. This is a relationship and communication issue. He chooses to behave in this way, to be a homebody and not spend quality time with you. You choose to put up with it, despite it causing resentment. Work out what you both need from your relationship and communicate better in the moment. If he won't discuss it or can't compromise, there is your answer, it's a choice.

Branleuse · 16/04/2022 21:47

i think you should tell him that you feel a bit shortchanged for going to meet him from work and then him being clearly eager to just go home. Tell him that its somethng that is actually starting to bother you and you want him to step out of his comfort zone a bit more as youve had years of this now and its important to you to go out and do stuff

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread