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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We have not met but had deep conversations

29 replies

whitebunnies · 15/04/2022 22:26

I joined a community group which has local events. The organiser put a message on asking if people were going to attend events as numbers were low. I messaged him to say I will come soon but had just finished studying and was going on holiday. The past week we have been having very deep conversations which I am not used to. He has told me about his ex being abusive and he wont date again. It feel sad he feels that way. He said he has children and asked if I have them. I just find it strange we have spoke so much about personal things but not met. Anyone else had this with a stranger?

OP posts:

StopStartStop · 15/04/2022 22:27

No, I keep people at a distance. Be wary. It's the safest way.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/04/2022 22:29

Please be careful. You do not know this man at all. Ask yourself why he is telling you all these things? It is not emotionally healthy to share your deepest secrets and traumas with a total stranger.

Pinkbonbon · 15/04/2022 22:31

I'd keep at a distance too.

Not appropriate behavior from him. 'Oversharering' is a common form of love bombing BTW. To get you to feel for them. To get you to lower your guard. And to get you to overshare in return.

I'd avoid this guy like the plague.

Original poster

whitebunnies · 15/04/2022 22:32

I think he has unresolved trauma as he posted about his ex cheating on him on the group so everyone knows his story and says how far he has come. He also has said on the group when he feels low. It seems like he has issues.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 15/04/2022 22:32

Also, speaking as someone who has been to a lot of meetup groups over the years...i found that about half of the organisers are narcissists.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/04/2022 22:34

He's looking for validation and he's been given it by everyone listening to his sob stories.

It's not normal behaviour op. I wouldn't entertain it for a second.

rattlemehearties · 15/04/2022 22:34

This should be raising red flags with you! You don't owe him answers or knowledge about your life. Just let it drift.

ZaraSizeMedium · 15/04/2022 22:35

Sounds like he's using this community group as a fishing expedition, a potential dating pool, or he's looking for vulnerable women to groom.

No it's not at all normal to share so much highly personal info with someone you've never met, and only been chatting online to for a week. In fact his behaviour is pretty much straight out of the abusers handbook.

And I can guarantee you're not the only woman he's doing this to.

Clymene · 15/04/2022 22:37

Steer clear

Lavapalaver · 15/04/2022 22:40

Creeeepy. If I had this with a stranger I’d be asking myself why he felt he could overstep my boundaries so quickly. I’d be looking back over the convos to find how he managed it. If it’s not a tale of woe it’s a dick pic. You have to be careful.

User0610134049 · 15/04/2022 22:41

Agree with all the above posts
And suspect that he often does this or tries the with new members

bossybloss · 15/04/2022 22:43

Him asking if you had kids would be a massive red flag to me ...avoid!

HollowedOut · 15/04/2022 22:44

That should be raising massive red flags. To get from you messaging saying that you’ll come along to some social thing to him launching into.m a tale about his ex and his kids and his trauma. He’s an emotional vampire, stop engaging now before you get dragged into a never ending pity/ drama/ self indulgent tale and are made to feel responsible for his welfare.

layladomino · 16/04/2022 06:46

I would be extremely wary of someone who wants to share really personal info in a group forum. I would keep things short and to the point, only message what you genuinely need to in relation to your hobby.

EarthSight · 16/04/2022 10:24

@Pinkbonbon

Also, speaking as someone who has been to a lot of meetup groups over the years...i found that about half of the organisers are narcissists.

@Pinkbonbon Lol. Please tell me more. I think it's great that there are such groups. Fab actually, but sometimes people can get rather defensive when I point out some of the downsides of joining hobby groups. Narcissist organisers are new to me though. XD

EarthSight · 16/04/2022 10:27

OP - you're not romantically interested in this organiser.......are you??

Hoppinggreen · 16/04/2022 10:30

Do you generally have a need to fix people?

RantyAunty · 16/04/2022 10:36

He's really inappropriate.
He's likely lying about everything to get sympathy.
Time to shut him down.

Fireflygal · 16/04/2022 10:41

I think you are confusing "deep" conversations with oversharing and lack of boundaries.

At best he has trauma, at worst he was the abusive man and now looking for validation and attention.

Onthedunes · 16/04/2022 19:11

Well he seems pretty over confident about sharing his woes.

I've found generally abused people tend to hold back a bit and are un confident.

Something seems off about him.

Furrbabymama87 · 16/04/2022 19:23

Yes I've done similar. I thought I knew him. In real life he was completely not what I expected at all and odd.

Original poster

whitebunnies · 16/04/2022 22:56

I definitely don't want to date this man, he is not my type, has said too many personal things and we have never met him. He last asked what events would I like to do which I responded and he hasn't replied. I noticed he is flirting with a woman in the group and it is blatant he has set the group for dating but is pretending he is hurt by his ex just so he can reel people in.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 17/04/2022 07:48

@whitebunnies

Well this is a very different tone to your first message

I really hope that means the comments on this thread have made you rethink.

I agree that none of it sounds healthy or promising. Don't be the one who falls for it.

People (men) like this will throw this kind of bait out.

The women euth healthy boundaries will ignore and 🙄 but there will always be one efeels she has fallen for him; see a special connection etc. Don't be that woman...

SpringIntoChaos · 17/04/2022 09:22

OP if this is a MeetUp group and he is an Event Organiser or Host, then he is breaking the guidelines by messaging you directly in this way (even him posting his 'troubles' on the group main page is on very dodgy ground as an organiser! I am an event organiser and host for a local social MeetUp group, and I have to be very careful about things like this - I have banned people (men, usually!) from the group for this kind of thing - please be careful!

Original poster

whitebunnies · 17/04/2022 09:36

@SpringIntoChaos Unfortunately it's not Meetup as that would have been good for vetting/monitoring. He put an event on for 'single mums' over Easter. Someone else is hosting this and he is not going. He got pulled up about it and someone said why not 'single parents' as some fathers in the group have full time care of the children. It makes me wonder if he put the event on to find out who the single mothers were so he could 'bond' with them as he has shared access of his children. It shows he is out of touch that men are still involved in their children's lives.

OP posts:

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