DH isn’t a feminist and doesn’t empathise wither

[SucculentSunshine]

Two examples from this evening-

Man spreading came up and he said it wasn’t a thing. I Google image it to show him. He denied men actually sit like that and argued that it can’t be very common. Most men would move their legs. Yes I say, most men would. But not all men do. And it happens often enough for it to have its own term. He wouldn’t notice because he’s not a woman.

We saw an all male advert about gambling. I mentioned how their were no women in the advert and perhaps it was sexist to assume it’s only groups of blokes that enjoy gambling together.
Nope. Maybe they just decided to go with an all male cast. It’s not sexist.

I know they are minor things but it really pushes my buttons because it feels like he down plays sexism and doesn’t even try to empathise with feminism.

I don’t know what the point of this thread is except to vent my frustration.

How do I get him to try to be open to seeing things from my perspective?

Your examples are not very good.
Manspreading- men do actually need a bit more room because they cannot sit on their balls. They are also usually larger in size physically. So I think manspreading is not that big an issue. It’s also not a feminist issue because we have womanspreading in the form of an extra seat for many women to put their bag/purse on and god forbid you try and get that seat on a train or bus. In other words both sexes do it for different reasons and both doing it are a bit selfish and rude.

Gambling- the advert is sexist but I think sexist against men by encouraging them into a destroying addiction. In a perfect world, I would not want gambling advertised to anyone and these adverts would be banned, so its something sexist that harms men but leaves women alone.

I see you’ve said you don’t talk about the big (feminist) issues, so I take your word he’s not a feminist. But I think most men are not, they cannot ever understand what it is to be female and so the most they can be is allies. It’s up to you to decide if his views are incompatible with your views.

That's not what I'm saying AT ALL @Nomoreusernames1244 and it's disgusting you would imply that.

I specifically said that because OP stated He wouldn’t notice because he’s not a woman. I shared my personal experience as a woman that it's not something I've personally come across either.

I'm absolutely disgusted at your reply.

Isn't the issue more that he's unaware of his own privilege, and doesn't like that being pointed out, rather than being (or rather not being) a feminist?

You noticed that the advert ignored your existence in the world. Your DH didn't notice, because his existence was not ignored.

I'll wager that you didn't notice while watching an advert aimed at women (such as the aforementioned bingo adverts) that there were no people with visible disabilities pictured.

However if someone pointed that out to you, would you say "Damn, you're right, I never noticed that" and actually think about it? Or would you react more like your DH and say something ridiculous like "Maybe people in wheelchairs don't play bingo" or "Maybe they just happened to only cast actors without disabilities"

As a white, more-or-less able bodied woman, I'm aware of my oppression as a woman, but I'm also much more aware of my privilege (IME) than the average straight, white, comfortably-monied male.

@AssignedBlobbyAtBirth

I don't think men can be feminists either. They can support the principles or be an ally but those who state they are feminists either turn in round to men's rights or take over

I agree. A male friend of mine (well, former friend now) declares himself a feminist but then told me that I was misappropriating feminism because I said I was concerned about male bodied sex offenders being placed in with the female prison population.

My husband is as close to a genuine male feminist as I’ve met, but even he accepts he is an ally not a feminist, because he hasn’t got the lived experience of being a woman.

*specifically said that because OP stated He wouldn’t notice because he’s not a woman. I shared my personal experience as a woman that it's not something I've personally come across either.

I'm absolutely disgusted at your reply*

Be disgusted all you like.

I’m disgusted that you would minimise other women’s experience because it hasn’t happened to you.

Walks by myself I should add

He shouldn't have to change because you want him to. Perhaps you just aren't compatible if you can't accrpt him the way he is.

Oh my post sounds really horrible and maybe triggering to rape survivors, so I've asked for it to be removed.

Good photo of man-spreading in this BBC article (on unrelated topic) the other day [third photo from top].
Happens often on public transport in my experience.

www.bbc.com/news/uk-61049323

[quote layladomino]@JustKittenAround I disagree

Of course men can be feminists. If they believe in equal rights and the equality of men and women they are feminists.

If you told me that men can't be feminists I would talk to you about what feminism is, I might even raise my voice if you were insisting you were right and I was wrong.... would that mean I'm not a feminst?? Your 'test' for whether men are feminists or not, relies on a false premise at the start.[/quote]
I wouldn’t have to raise my voice nor would I feel the need to change your mind because you’ll never get it. Waste of time.

Men can’t be feminists because feminism centers women/girls exclusively.

But that’s the difference between libfem bs and the real deal.

Do go on about including men. My feminism is exclusively for women.

We are not the same.

@MorrisZapp I have a DD and I thought this would change my DH’s views on wolf whistling (it’s a compliment apparently) and feminism (doesn’t see the point) after she was whistled and cat called at when she was 13. Despite the fact he never wolf whistled at anyone, and wasn’t a misogynist at all, no, he still couldn’t see that perhaps his view was wrong. It’s not the only reason he’s my ex but I was truly horrified at this. Explaining that feminism existed because of these behaviours towards women and girls fell on deaf ears.

So sit down and talk about the bigger issues with him.

Not all the time but find a news article to spark a conversation and make it a conversation not a rant by you about how he doesn't understand, listen to him. Listen as well as talk. He might have some insights that will enlighten you. If he's not sexist or misogynistic that is a good solid base for starters, he doesn't have to be a feminist by definition.