Completely stuck

[GayParis]

I honestly just don't know what to do in a situation like this.

Long story short - I hate the location of my house. I love my house, but I hate the location. Too close to a city, not enough space for dogs to walk, right next to a main road with constant roadworks... I just hate it.

Husband is (as always) happy with it, doesn't want to move, doesn't want change. Never wants anything to change. If it wasn't for me we would still be in a small house in a crap little suburb with absolutely nothing.

I am the constant instigator of change - he just drags his feet with absolutely everything. Any time I suggest something new in the house, something that would improve the house it's always a straight 'no', until I talk him round and make him see it's worth doing, and afterwords he'll admit it was the right choice.

I'm just so sick of the constant no to everything. I want to move house... the place and types I'm looking at would result in a cheaper mortgage, I'd be happier, it would be a nicer place with shops to walk to and not near a main road... nothing would have to change with daughters school it's literally 15 minutes away if that. His main reason for not wanting to move is that he goes running and cycling with his friend who lives a 5 minute walk away. He says he'll be unhappy if we move..

What do I do? How do we move past this? He doesn't ever want to move and wants to stay here and I want to move... I'm the one who will inevitably end up stuck here hating where I live... how do you get past a situation like this?

Doesn’t sound as though he values his life with you and certainly as though he doesn’t see his future with you

I should also say we moved to the house we're in because we had just started TTC. It's been 3 years, we cannot conceive, and now this house is a constant reminder of what could have been & very much isn't.

@Sponge19

Doesn’t sound as though he values his life with you and certainly as though he doesn’t see his future with you

Do you think so? You could be right but it doesn't seem like that. I know he loves me and I know he enjoys our life together he is just so incredibly reluctant to change anything & to do anything that involves the possibility of spending money on the house/where we live.

Hardly slept last night with this going round and round my head.

Hoping some of the lovely morning MNetters see this and have any advice

I don't agree that he doesn't value his life with you - that's quite a leap!

You're the pusher, the planner (same with me, DH would stand still) but sounds like change in any form stresses him out.

Can you sit down together at a quiet, calm time, and list the reasons why you're unhappy in this house and why moving has so many benefits?

Ultimately I couldn't live somewhere that made me so unhappy, what you want/need is important too.

Would it be an option for you, financially speaking, to live separately? He could stay in that house and you buy somewhere else?

My husband is similar in that he doesn't do change. It's not that he's completely against it, it just never occurs to him that things can change. He just plods along and his instinctive reaction is to say no to anything that requires change.

When we lived somewhere I hated I ended up giving him an ultimatum. I had to. He was also running a business from home that was getting busier and taking over the house. I eventually said bluntly - I can't live like this anymore, so what do you suggest I do? I put the ball in his court. I was ready to leave with our DC and I meant it. I think up until then he just thought I was moaning/nagging.

It does sound like you will have to get to that same point before your husband understands just how serious this is for you. But if you give an ultimatum you have to mean it.

The daft thing is my husband loved our new house and said it was the best thing we'd ever done, for us and for our children, but if it were up to him it would never have happened!

It's not really about the house at all is it? It's about the vacuum you feel and this is causing dissatisfaction and disappointment in your relationship. Maybe counselling may help?

Financially me living separately wouldn't work - nowhere near enough money. I do work but I'm also studying and have 2 years left.

I hate the idea of giving him an ultimatum because I don't want him to then be the unhappy one, but I know he would end up enjoying where we lived more - he's just so averse to any kind of change.

It's just so bloody difficult. When I've tried to speak to him about it he says along the lines of: Okay, if you really want to move we can move but it has strings attached, no holidays for the next year, this has to be the last ever house we move to, the mortgage has to be reduced by 150/month etc etc etc

I just feel like I'm constantly being held hostage by all these conditions and that if we do move I'll be forcing him to move and I'll then potentially be stuck again even if we could afford to move bigger, etc etc.

It would be a straight unequivocal no from me too OP.

Moving is expensive. It’s thousands if you rent and tens of thousands if you own. Moving is stressful. One of the most stressful life activities. Moving is disruptive, fixing up and packing up on one end, fixing up and unpacking on the other.

There is nothing in your post that even comes close to justifying a move. He really doesn’t need to explain why he doesn’t want to move. He doesn’t want to move and most people wouldn’t.

Given that well off, and I mean comfortably well off people, are looking at ways to save this sounds that a really pie in the sky notion. It would take more than you minor discontent with the location of the house to even get me to discuss this idea.

And you aren’t even anywhere near life changing ultimatum territory with this issue. I’d tell you to do one if you played that card.

@LemonTT

It would be a straight unequivocal no from me too OP.

Moving is expensive. It’s thousands if you rent and tens of thousands if you own. Moving is stressful. One of the most stressful life activities. Moving is disruptive, fixing up and packing up on one end, fixing up and unpacking on the other.

There is nothing in your post that even comes close to justifying a move. He really doesn’t need to explain why he doesn’t want to move. He doesn’t want to move and most people wouldn’t.

Given that well off, and I mean comfortably well off people, are looking at ways to save this sounds that a really pie in the sky notion. It would take more than you minor discontent with the location of the house to even get me to discuss this idea.

And you aren’t even anywhere near life changing ultimatum territory with this issue. I’d tell you to do one if you played that card.

Good point. Thanks for sharing.

Hi @GayPariswhat did you eventually decide? I’m in the same boat now, living right next to a main road and sick of it, hate not being able to open windows at night. Council are installing crossing outside house so will now have to listen to beeping as well.

I’m desperate to move, husband isn’t. We’ve spent over £100k extending this house and I get it, but I’m so sick of the location. We have woods at the bottom of the garden, so lovely big private garden. That was the compromise. He still loves it, I don’t anymore ☹️