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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner cheated and broke up with me

7 replies

parker06 · 15/04/2022 20:15

My partner of 11 years has been suffering with depression for around a year now. Mostly work from what he would always tell me. He was pushing me away by sleeping on the sofa, not talking, always telling me it was work stress. On New years day he admitted he was having an emotional affair with someone from work and had kissed her the night before.

I was floored by this and wanted to work things out however he said he needed space and asked me to leave (we lived together but I had a rental house too so went there). He told me his anxiety was too high for him to see me. For the first few weeks we text with me always initiating contact and would sometimes talk on the phone. I met up with him on valentine's but he was like a cold stranger, couldn't look at me, couldn't discuss things. We did have sex though but it made him feel anxious too apparently. After that I left again and communication really became non existent to the point I begged him to let me know what was happening. He broke up with me over the phone.

I'm devastated. I love him completely and feel that he's going through a depressive episode rather than acting rationally. He was always the sweetest, kindest person I've known but became a stranger overnight after kissing the woman. He said he loved me but wasn't in love, I know sounds just like the script but also that he only liked the other woman. He's been on antidepressants for about a year and told me they make him feel numb to all emotions.

Is there any hope that he will come back once he's in a better place or am I being naive? I don't want to be the reason for any depression or anxiety he's causing but also after 11 years thought we would be together for life. Cheating upsets me so much obviously but I feel like he's in a very low place and any attention from someone new would have made him feel better about himself. I genuinely want him to be okay but I'm so upset and don't know whether to just try to move on. Since breaking up he hasn't text or communicated at all and neither have I but he has been posting a few pics of hobbies he's been doing at home on social media which means he's hopefully feeling alright.

OP posts:
seensome · 15/04/2022 20:27

Sorry to hear you're going through this turmoil. I'm going to be honest, he doesn't want to get back with you and nor should you want him, find something else to put your energy into, it's wasted on him.
Just because he's a dick that doesn't mean your not lovable, you will be to someone else much better. Work on getting over him rather than hoping for him, in years time you'll think I'm so glad I'm not with him.

Moser85 · 15/04/2022 20:33

Did you post about him before?
I remember a similar thread about a break up and anxiety and so on and OF COURSE he was absolutely fine enough to have sex and the anxiety only hit him afterwards. Hmm

He's full of shit OP.
How can someone be too anxious to see or speak to their partner who is the closest person to them and who they can be completely themselves with, but yet able to conduct an emotional affair!!!
It's bullshit!

Fireflygal · 15/04/2022 20:49

His anxiety could have been guilt from the affair.

It takes a while to recover, especially when you don't know the full story. For your own sake move on from him.

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 20:56

Stay away from his social media, it will only keep you addicted to and obsessing over him, is my best advise.

It’s so so hard to accept a break up, it took me years to actually accept that he just didn’t feel anything for me apart from some guilt maybe, I totally get that.

But it will make you unhappier.

AliciaF1989 · 24/05/2022 19:10

Depression my ass. He's behaving like a fxxxing asshole and you still blame yourself and pine for him and hope. I know, I've been with a depressed, cheating alcoholic who also told me to get out of the house and live in my other flat, even when I was pregnant.

It is tragic how we, women, are conditioned to tolerate this and let our partners wipe floor with us.

Take him back parker06 and he will wear you down with increasing contempt so much, you will not recognise yourself in the mirror. I don't think you love him, you rather love the vision of you 2 spending your lives together that you refuse to let go of it at all costs.

Men do what they want to do. Women do what men want us to do because we've been taught to serve and please.

You hope he's feeling better? How are YOU feeling, and do you think he cares?

This man took 1 year to strike through 11 years with you. He wants new life for himself. Let him have it and burn this bridge dear poster

Unanananana · 24/05/2022 19:13

Sounds like the trash took itself out.

User354354 · 24/05/2022 19:16

Why on earth would you want him back ? He has made it very clear he doesn't love you or want a relationship with you. Sex, yea sure.

You need to find your self worth and put and end to this.

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