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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I tell my kids?

23 replies

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 17:33

Short backstory, kids dad and I divorced 12 years ago, kids were young.
Their dad has various issues so they don’t stay with him.

The other day his sister rang me and told me he had physically assaulted her and had been arrested.

He did this to me once and I have never told my kids about this part of him but I feel like this might be the time to do so….should the topic come up I mean (I don’t want to ram it down their throats that their dad is a scum bag of course)

His whole side of the family will believe him when he says his sister provoked him etc, etc, and I don’t want my children to think it’s ever ok.

I also don’t want to alienate my kids by putting this out in the open. I came from a family where my dad never stopped telling us everything bad out mum had done, which is probably why I have kept this from them.

Advise?

OP posts:

VyeBrator · 15/04/2022 17:35

Ages?

Original poster

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 17:36

Obviously they are teens, since we divorced 12 years ago

OP posts:

TheBigDilemma · 15/04/2022 17:37

Do they need to know? I wouldn’t lie to them about it but I wouldn’t bring the topic up until they ask, provided the information is presented in an age appropriate way.

VyeBrator · 15/04/2022 17:41

@Incognitomum11

Obviously they are teens, since we divorced 12 years ago

Yes but 13 or 19 makes a huge difference.

DoggoInMyTesla · 15/04/2022 17:44

Yes but 13 or 19 makes a huge difference.

I agree.

HeDidWhattt · 15/04/2022 17:44

I’d mention his not a nice person and then let them lead with questions if they want too.

They may not care about anything that’s to do witr him and have no interest in knowing.

Theunamedcat · 15/04/2022 17:48

My 12 year old knew his dad was arrested for hurting his fiance as a much younger child he was told by social services that he hurt his sister he assumed that his dad hit them I have never corrected this sadly he still sees him and idolises him

Original poster

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 17:53

@Theunamedcat yes mine also idolises their dad.

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 15/04/2022 17:57

Yes, if asked. I'd tell ex-SIL

Original poster

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 17:59

@KirstenBlest thanks, and yes she knows. My MIL blamed me for him getting arrested that time.

OP posts:

dworky · 15/04/2022 18:27

Definitely yes.

KirstenBlest · 15/04/2022 18:31

@Incognitomum11, I don't think your children will change their opinion of their father if you tell them.

Your exMIL will never believe he could have done it.

Original poster

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 18:40

@KirstenBlest yes I see your point and agree. It will just seem to them like I’m trying to tarnish their super dad.

OP posts:

Fayekrista · 15/04/2022 18:49

I was told at 16 what my father did to my mother, my relationship had already broken down with him some 3 years before that though. He had split from his 2nd wife (assaulted her) & thats when I asked.
I had already witnessed his temper towards me at 13 & thats when all contact stopped (100% my choice & at 33 years old I still feel the same way) at this point she told me some minor altercations that had happened in their marriage & why she left.
Just from my personal experience I would say for me, mum got it right. At 16 I asked her & she did reveal if you like, that it very much wasn't as minor as she had told me at 13.
I think if you wait for them to ask & make it age appropriate then absolutely tell the truth.

KirstenBlest · 15/04/2022 18:52

I wouldn't say anything unless they ask.
If they ask, you should not lie, as chances are they will suspect that you are lying

SunnySideUp2020 · 15/04/2022 18:59

Wouldn't say either unless they bring it up.
And I say this as someone whose mum used to bring these things up.
Never understood the need for it...
It doesnt mean it didn't happen. It doesn't mean he is a bad person. But as kids it's hard to judge especially when you were too young to understand what the relationship was like etc..

SunnySideUp2020 · 15/04/2022 18:59

Isn't a bad person*

PonyPatter44 · 15/04/2022 19:04

@SunnySideUp2020

Wouldn't say either unless they bring it up. And I say this as someone whose mum used to bring these things up. Never understood the need for it... It doesnt mean it didn't happen. It doesn't mean he is a bad person. But as kids it's hard to judge especially when you were too young to understand what the relationship was like etc..

"It doesn't mean he's a bad person"? Are you on glue? Newsflash: Someone who repeatedly assaults women is, in fact, a bad person.

I wouldn't necessarily bring it up, but I wouldn't be sugar-coating anything if the kids ask, either.

Original poster

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 19:12

@SunnySideUp2020

“Isn't a bad person*
Lol, but yes to the kids he won’t seem a bad person whatever he does.

@Fayekrista and @KirstenBlest xxxx thank you both

@PonyPatter44 totally agree

OP posts:

SunnySideUp2020 · 15/04/2022 19:26

@PonyPatter44 are you unable to read?
It was a typo

Ofc he s a shit person.

SunnySideUp2020 · 15/04/2022 19:29

@Incognitomum11 that's the problem.
It's just hard if they haven't experienced this side of him.
As a teenager I struggled with this. Don't get me wrong though, I dont have a close relationship with my dad and now as an adult cannot say I care about him.
But I always felt uncomfortable when the past stuff was brought up when I didn't ask for it.

Original poster

Incognitomum11 · 15/04/2022 21:36

@SunnySideUp2020 yes I can relate. My dad constantly told my sister and I how our mum left us and didn’t make any attempt to contact us… we didn’t need to hear that.

I do understand what you are saying. Parents can be shit in so many ways.

OP posts:

BottleBrushTree · 16/04/2022 01:43

If they are mid to late teens I’d be telling them. Anyone who assaults women is a shit person and they deserve to know he’s been arrested. I do not think it is right to keep something of that magnitude from kids that age, then they will wonder what else you could be hiding.

I would be telling them as a one off, ie kids I’m sorry but I need to let you know something upsetting about your dad, and presenting it to them factually.

I would not be presenting it as an opportunity to offer frequent unsolicited comments to them about what a piece of shit he is, and how he did this and did that and telling them something new every other day. He is a piece of shit, but that’s for them to work out and they should be able to do that themselves.

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