Advice on getting my ducks in some kind of row

[HalfBottleofRum]

I broke up with my former partner (of 13 years) 2 years ago, but due to covid, finances (shared mortgage etc) and "convenience", I am still trapped living with him. We have a 6 year old, who he does the bare minimum with, and he's now taken to swanning off with his girlfriend without letting me know because of course I'll be home anyway to look after our son. Any time I go out, I run it by him before confirming plans to make sure it's convenient, but I don't get that same courtesy. I'm also usually the one who has to arrange nanna time with his mum. I also do very nearly all the household tasks. Honestly I was sick of being in a relationship where I felt invisible, and I'm so sick of living in a house where I feel disrespected. I want to maintain some semblance of a friendly co parenting relationship, but if I don't get out of here I'm probably going to reach a point where I find that very difficult.

Right now, I've just passed my driving test, I'm trying my best to find a job, now that my son is consistently in school post-covid rules, but it's pretty hard to find something within school hours, and my ex is out of the house from 7:30 until 17:30, so he can't do either of the school runs. I'm also still sharing tax credits as a couple, but I know I'd be better off on single UC, but I've no idea how easy that is to move to when you still live with your ex.

Can anyone give me advice on moving from a joint to single claim when you haven't yet moved out, finding a mum friendly job, or any other advice that'd help me get in a position to get out of this house ASAP?

I have no constructive advice and I'm sure someone will be along to help you out soon. Your situation sounds so stressful. Is there no way he will leave?

@mothertrucking He's perfectly happy with the living situation, and right now, I couldn't afford the bills on my own if he did. I've done the calculations and I'd be scraping by at best, so I'm trying to get in a better position. Also this house is near to his family, so it makes more sense for me to leave in the long run, it's just hard to get myself together to do so.

Thanks for responding, it really helps just feeling like I've been heard for once

I have been in your situation but not for as long as you have been. I worried myself sick over how I would afford everything and in the end I was actually better off than I thought I would be.

Universal credit is tricky but doable do you have seperate rooms finances etc? That's what they will be looking at

Is he paying all the bills?

@Theunamedcat He pays for all the household bills, but only the electricity bill is tied to his account, the rest he sends me money for. I pay for all the shopping and clothes etc for our son. The household bills are low so it's around a 60/40 split, but I don't know in what way you have to demonstrate separate finances on shared bills.

He has been sleeping on the sofa (despite us having an actual sofabed...), so separate rooms. We have mostly always had fairly separate finances, except for an old joint saver, which he still uses for his own money, even though I've asked him to open his own so we can close it. I should push for that again.
I'm wondering if having each other as life insurance beneficiaries would be seen as a bad thing. I am considering leaving him on there as if I died he'd still have to look after our son alone, but maybe I should just change it to my son directly?

There's just seems to be so much to consider!

UC are actually quite helpful imo. I would speak to the job centre to start.
Have you considered self employment whilst the child is in primary school? It’s so much easier to work around school hours that way and UC give you a years leniency u til they demand you make a profit.

Change the insurance to your son only

They will look at what he puts in your account and possibly say he supports you so cash only from now on

Get your name off any joint accounts

@Incognitomum11 That's quite good to know! I have been trying to start a little business but I wasn't sure if UC would hound me to get a "regular" job, so I've been looking at getting one before I switched from the joint tax credits. Perhaps I could still make a go of that!

Stop thinking about needing a 'mum friendly job'. You're separated, he doesn't get to rely on you for childcare 5 days a week. What is a 'dad friendly' job?

Financially, are you renting? Agree you'd be better off out, even if it's a 1 bed where you and your son share, or you get the living room bed. Assuming he keeps the family home, he can then have proper agreements for e.g. he is responsible between school pickup Weds to school pickup Thursday, including organising and paying for any after school care and holiday club, plus Saturday to Monday (or Fri-Sun) every other week.

So.many single women get stuck in bad jobs or self-employed for an effective wage of a few £s an hour, because fathers shirk responsibility, or sometimes because mothers dread the idea of nights apart (which I understand, I do too, every week), but don't factor in that as they get older, the child will value a stable roof over their head and ability to afford a school trip or having friends over for tea, more than an extra night each fortnight.

I'd recommend looking at the skills and abilities you have and look at training options or growing areas, not just whatever can be done around an unreasonable ex. It sounds like your ex will always find a way to make it work, between his mum and girlfriend if not himself. If not, he can pay maintenance appropriately.
Definitely speak to the job centre, citizens advice can be good too. Assume he's going to make it hard, but hopefully things will improve too.

Good luck!

Suggest to him that you work out now what the childcare arrangements will be when you live apart and implement them while still in the same house. Not to the point of the other parent not engaging with your DS when at home, that'd be weird, but in terms of each having time where DS learns he will spend with a particular parent and the parent can plan ahead trips, family etc.

You have to get out of the habit of being the back up. I expect ExP will be resistant but it's coming soon enough so insist you do. If he doesn't agree just impose one, stick it on the fridge and go out on "his" nights. Push him to do proper activities with DS etc. it's all too damn easy for him at the moment and you're suffering the consequences, that's got to stop.

I also would not just look at school hour only jobs. Look for a job that pays you what you need to live on in a convenient location that has family friendly policies. Get your foot in the door then ask for a flexible working arrangement or reduced hours or work from home or whatever you need to make life work for you. That’s how most people end up working school hours If you want to start a business then a part time job that is 3 full days might work best for you Look into wrap around care at school or a childminder who can collect.
Work out what the future arrangements will be with DS. It sounds like you will be primary carer. If your ex is have have DS every other weekend aim for him to collect from school Friday afternoon and drop back to you Sunday night. Then you can possibly work longer hours every second Friday.
Work out how much cms you would be entitled to. Work out what benefits you would need Save up a rental deposit.

Make your ex pay half of DSs costs for clothes etc.

put your name down for a council house but expect to start with private rental.

Good luck.
Ps get in touch with gingerbread which is a charity for single parents. They will likely have good ideas too

Make sure your id is up to date.
Separate out paperwork, anything in storage, basically disentangling anything you can.
Check your ni contribution status.
Start strengthening relationships and friendships.
Look at doing any relevant free online courses.
Gather as much information as possible on legal stuff.
Make sure you know the ins and outs of all finances.

Agree with @OverTheRubicon. Forget mum friendly and think job. He need to sort childcare for half the week or pay maintenance which you use to sort after school club etc.

I've mostly been looking for mum friendly jobs because I want to move away from the area and I was hoping to go for primary custody because it'd be convenient for school, but I think long term I will have to make some childcare arrangements and I have no idea how to go about that. I think I do need to raise the issue of splitting childcare more formally while we're still sharing, currently I at least have an every other weekend arrangement with his mother (it honestly has always felt more like she's my coparent than him).

House wise, we own the property together on a 60/40 split in my favour. It was originally supposed to be 100% mine, but the bank wouldn't give me a loan by myself because I fell just under some arbitrary earnings threshold, and pregnancy hormones made me give him a much larger chunk than I really should have when I covered most of the deposit. I could definitely ask for him to buy me out of the house, once I have a job and can apply to buy somewhere else, but I don't want to give up the only asset I have ownership in until I feel more comfortable doing so. I know he won't be a dick about splitting things, he's more useless and thoughtless than actually vindictive.

If your MIL takes your ds every other weekend, and he's 6 and in school, you should have more than enough time to be researching things like how to sort out childcare and residency, as well as to sort some training or volunteering to work towards a job.

It's also not particularly 'disrespectful' for you to be doing all the household chores in this circumstance, given you have 1 school age child and don't work, while he's out of the house 10 hours a day.

I think the job should be your absolute priority, 3 days normal hours can be more manageable than school hours - literally millions of working parents have to sort wraparound childcare, it can be harder to find in some areas than others but is out there.

Before moving away, it can be worth considering what's best for your DC - generally, unless there's abuse, it's better for them to have their fathers in their life, and speaking from experience, it's SO much easier to co-parent when you live close to each other, or otherwise to close family who can help.

You can do this - it must have been hard to get your license, this is the next step.