Husband has left me

[user1122]

So I suffer from depression and it has been causing a strain in our relationship, my moods are difficult and I struggle with being on medication, we have been together for 17 years , we have 2 boys 15 and 10 and just got married May 21, it’s all came to a head and he has left and went to his mums , I’m absolutely heartbroken, I haven’t eaten or slept or showered in days , he’s come back to discuss but can’t give me any answers he needs time , in the mean time I’ve taken steps to get myself better , I’ve started new medication, I’ve done online counselling, they offered us couple counselling sessions , i want him back and told him the changes iv made so far and I’m going to take control of my illness ,my kids are so upset and crying they can’t understand why this is happening, can anyone offer any advice to help me through this time ? I want to get better for me but I need his support , feeling absolutely broken right now

Why are you taking all the blame for this?

What reason has he given for leaving? Is he usually a good husband & dad?

I’m so sorry. When you say it’s all come to a head, what did that look like? Has he specially said it’s your depression that’s the reason for him leaving or has he done the old “I love you but I’m not in love with you” thing?

I hate to be the first one to say it but after this long, something specific must have changed for him to suddenly want out. If he hasn’t sat you down and talked about your illness and the effects it’s having on him/the family etc then I’d be suspicious that there’s something else going on that he’s not mentioning. I don’t want to make things worse, but honestly don’t take all the blame for this on yourself and your depression. It’s very common for men to stick it out in a rough marriage until someone turns their head and makes them think there’s other options out there.

Either way, if you’re doing what you can to support yourself and your healing, that’s all you can do. At the moment you need to focus on that more than fixing whatever is wrong in your marriage, as you’ve seen, if you’re not ok, the marriage won’t be either, so focus on you, self care, counselling etc and let him go for now. If it’s salvageable he’ll still be there in a few months when you’re in a better place, if it’s not then he’s already gone.

This is your opportunity to focus on your health. I would stop panicking and thinking everything is broken.
Talb yo your children and reassirevthem that you will always be a family but the living arrangements are different for now.
Tell your husband to stay away till you have your health under control. Arrange for kids to spend time with him regularly.

Get your meds sorted, have more talking therapy, get some gentle regular exercise, walking one or twice a week at least.
Consider your physical health and appearance.. good diet maybe vitamins, hair appointment facial..
Give your house a refresh maybe your bedroom?

Take your time but start thinking about yourself so that you become a stronger happier person for your family.
What will be with your husband will be. If you get well, you will cope with whatever it is.

Build yourself up. You are very important.

He is usually a great husband and dad , he does struggle dealing with my mental health as he doesn’t really understand it , I have asked him if there’s someone else he says no and I do believe him , I am trying so hard to get myself better but when your so heart broken and lost getting your head in a good place is extremely hard , I don’t want to put it on him but I know if we were together It would mend my heart make our kids happy and I can fight my illness , finding the strength right now is so very difficult

I have depression and anxiety. I know that I'm very hard to live with. I mean, even I hate living with me. So I'd never criticise anyone for deciding one day that they've had enough.

I don't think your primary concern should be how to get him back. Your primary concern should be your children. You're saying that you've now started to take steps to get better, but why haven't you been doing ths before. Your children will also be finding it hard to live with a depressive person but they have no option to leave so you should be trying to get better for them.

Don't rely on him to support you, you need to rely on yourself. You need to develop coping strategies for your illness. And you need to switch your mindset which is so very, very hard. 30 years after diagnosis I still have to work on this every day.
Don't focus on getting your husband back, focus on you. If you really feel like you want to win him back, nothing is more attractive than a happy, healthy person. But honestly getting well for someone else is a poor goal. You need to develop your self-worth to learn that the most important person to get better for is yourself.

You have a hard path ahead of you but it is very doable. Congratulations on using this as the nudge you've needed to get started and on taking the first steps.

“I don’t want to put it on him but I know if we were together It would mend my heart make our kids happy and I can fight my illness , finding the strength right now is so very difficult”

But in all fairness it doesn’t sound like you’ve taken this is seriously as you should have in the past. Why now? This would be putting it in him so I really hope you don’t ever say that to him.
Mental illness is incredibly hard, for the sufferer and their family.
As a pp has said you desperately need to concentrate on getting better. Maybe he needs headspace himself. When he sees that you are taking getting well seriously so taking care of yourself, rather than him, and once he has had mental space himself then he could think to start again.
I hope so.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

I have tried lots of medication and self help I’ve never found one that works for me , I’ve always just tried to get myself better , the last few months have been hard , I knew I had to do something and this has been the fright I’ve need to get a grip on myself, my kids are well supported but yes of course it affects them , I know I need to get myself better for me and I am but I’m going through the lowest point of my whole life and I want and need my husband by my side holding my hand on the journey, of course I do I love him

I hate to say it, but there'll be an OW lurking in the wings. Men don't leave long term relationships to be single.

I left my husband because of his depression it wore me down until I had nothing left to give. No other man. He also chose to get better once I'd left but by then I realised I was out from under the black cloud and I'd never go back.

I don’t want to put it on him but I know if we were together It would mend my heart make our kids happy and I can fight my illness

If that were true then you would have done it and got sorted before now when everything was fine and dandy in the relationship. Why is he now the key to it all? I think it’s your heartbreak making you thing he is the fix, but deep down you must know he isn’t. You can’t make your recovery contingent on another person. What if he never comes back? Are you just going to stay like this forever? You have to get yourself better with or without him, you need to be self sufficient and resilient and responsible for yourself. Maybe he wants to see sustained improvements being made off your own back before he’ll consider reconciling. It can be a terrible strain on the other partner to always need to be the strong one, the only thing holding it all together.

I am trying of course I wish I’d fixed this before now but here we are and I’m trying to do the right thing , I just miss him so much and want him back I’ve never felt a pain like this before 😞I’m not blaming him nor have I ever

Nobodies saying you’re blaming him.

You need to put the relationship stuff on the back burner and concentrate on your mental health.