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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone help me handle this situation please?

23 replies

Cupcake00 · 15/04/2022 09:39

I posted a thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4523205-How-should-a-relationship-look-if-you-dont-live-together
Since then I am wondering how to deal with this situation.

I have been ill with covid. It's been absolutely awful. Every day I have just tried to get through it somehow. I have driven to the shops and my dcs have gone in. Between them, they have managed to make food. I had to collect an oximetre at one point as my breathing became difficult. I'm hopefully on the mend. The last thing on my my mind was texting this guy. I replied to his messages, he checked in each day. On day 5 or 6 he did offer to go to a shop but he doesn't drive, it would have been stressful for me to even say yes. His messages were mainly about his stressful day and how people are taking him being a nice guy for granted. He's bored. He's lost without me.
Obviously, I'm not feeling great about the relationship aswell as being unwell. He has told me he has missed me and can't wait to see me. I haven't said it back. He knows I'm getting better and I know he's waiting on me to ask him over. I haven't as I'm not 100% still nauseous and dizzy. Trying to catch up on housework and get everything clean again. I look absolutely awful too so trying to become a bit more with it.
The past few days he has been asking if I'm ok and if it wasn't for him the conversation (texting) would be dead. He's right but I don't have anything to say. I did not want to end things over texting and was hoping to gain some courage when better to have a conversation with him. However, lastnight he I told him I have enough to think about whilst being ill and have had nothing to say. I just want to concentrate on getting myself well. He is angry that I have told him I have nothing to say and I have enough to think about, so haven't wanted to see him. Maybe it wasn't the right words but I didn't want to tell him he is boring me and if I invite him over its not bringing anything to the relationship just another added person to cook for and communicate with. That sounds horrible but I have not wanted to talk to anyone.
Anyway, he has said 'balls in your court'. Meaning he will stop messaging. He said I'm out of order, how can you not have something to say to the person you love.
I don't know how to handle this situation.
I know the relationship isn't going anywhere. I know I'm going to really hurt him so trying to find the right words. I know I can't end things over texting. He hasn't messaged this morning and he does every day. I know this is so silly but I have not ever had to do this before.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 15/04/2022 09:47

'Sorry it has not worked out. All the best.' block.

growinggreyer · 15/04/2022 09:48

You really can end things over texting. Compose him a nice message wishing him well and saying that things seem to have fizzled out and you want to leave it there then you can have the rest of the day to let your emotions settle.

Templeblossom · 15/04/2022 09:50

Crikey
Just rip the plaster off and end it.
Your other thread made it quite clear this is going nowhere.

Stop flogging a dead horse, all this angst is making it worse.

Just text and end it.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/04/2022 09:50

I don’t know why you’re getting yourself in a pickle about having a conversation. Just end it by text.

Original poster

Cupcake00 · 15/04/2022 09:57

Well, I don't want to hurt him. Also, it's gone from everything is fine (to him), to being over. All in one text.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2022 10:00

Come on now, just dump this loser already. He's a world-class twat. Dump, block, delete.

Rememberitwell · 15/04/2022 10:00

Well he knows something is wrong anyway. Of course you can end it by text or phone call as you are ill and you don’t want to see him. You could do it today and be free of the worry.

Templeblossom · 15/04/2022 10:05

@Cupcake00

Well, I don't want to hurt him. Also, it's gone from everything is fine (to him), to being over. All in one text.

Pretending everything is ok is not the way to handle this. Relationships ending is hurtful but you are being silly stringing him along. It will go round and round and end up ending anyway. Be honest and tell him this is not the right relationship for you. You are allowed to put yourself first, you know?

JustALittleHelpPlease · 15/04/2022 10:13

I don't understand where this idea that you have to not hurt people has come from? It is going to hurt - that's it. You can be nice, be kind, abase yourself in any way but it is still going to hurt.

Just compose a polite message saying that it hasn't worked out for you, wish him the best for the future and get in with YOUR life. All this hand wringing is mad, you can't make him not hurt whatever you do, accept that and make your decisions for yourself.

Original poster

Cupcake00 · 15/04/2022 10:46

I know it's going to hurt him. I just think, to him it's all of a sudden. For me, I have questioned it for a while. I didn't know if I should list the reasons that will probably make him feel more shit. Or tell him it's me, in some kind of way. It sounds easy to some but to me, it's not.

OP posts:

oliviastwisted · 15/04/2022 10:51

You can’t prevent another person’s hurt when you are ending a relationship nor is that your responsibility. Unhealthy relationships end all the time and in this context a text is perfectly appropriate because you are sick and he is pestering you.

boronia · 15/04/2022 10:55

Yes he'll be hurt but he hasn't been very nice to you has he?
I'd be truthful.
" I'm still feeling pretty awful and I have no energy for anything other than looking after the kids. Sorry."

boronia · 15/04/2022 10:56

Then the ball is in HIS court.

frozendaisy · 15/04/2022 10:58

@Cupcake00

Well, I don't want to hurt him. Also, it's gone from everything is fine (to him), to being over. All in one text.

So he was happy to cause you upset via a text but you feel terrible doing similar?

frozendaisy · 15/04/2022 11:00

To be honest he's given you an out.

If you don't text, so do nothing, it's over.

So do that.

Enjoy your currently and future single life.

Hope you feel better soon.

mrsbitaly · 15/04/2022 11:00

Just tell him since you have been ill it's given you time to reflect and that you don't want to continue with the relationship. If he's that into you there's no way of avoiding him being hurt it's best that he knows now rather than dragging it out

Itwasntmeright · 15/04/2022 11:04

If you’re that bothered about his feelings, how do you think it feels being strung along? Haven’t read your previous thread so I don’t know the background, but if it was me I’d just rather know.

Templeblossom · 15/04/2022 11:07

@Cupcake00

What do you suggest then? Staying in a relationship you dont want to be in? Ghosting him? Both far worse in the end as he will feel messed around. Just send a polite ending it text. Stop taking responsibility for other peoples,normal feelings

Viviennemary · 15/04/2022 11:07

He has been zero support when you were ill. Just end it by text. He sounds selfish.

Original poster

Cupcake00 · 15/04/2022 11:16

frozendaisy thankyou,hopefully on the mend.

I definitely don't want to lead him on. I just didn't know how to deal with it in this particular situation. I haven't decided to stay in the relationship as this isn't fair to him, he deserves someone that can feel the same way back. I wouldn't ghost him either. I was unsure if sending a text message would be appropriate. Also how much to actually explain, the reasoning behind my decision.

OP posts:

Templeblossom · 15/04/2022 11:35

@Cupcake00

frozendaisy thankyou,hopefully on the mend.

I wasnt serious when I said ghost him or to stay in the relationship 😬 I was trying to get you to see that the only fair option is to end it politely and by text. You dont need to go into a big explanation. Just "this isnt right for me".

TheSparkling · 15/04/2022 11:36

You don't need to explain anything more than what you have. He has put the ball in your court so just reply with something along the lines of this isn't working for me anymore. You don't need to explain yourself.

Just do it and I think you will feel a whole lot better in an instant.

As another poster has said, he has given you the perfect opportunity to end things now if you are unhappy.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 15/04/2022 11:42

Stop stringing him along and tell him you don't want to be with him.

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