Update - Also looking for similar outcome stories

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 15/04/2022 09:38

Bumping this as really need some support

OP posts:

JenLC · 15/04/2022 09:41

@Lightattheendofthetunnel22

I posted on here earlier in the week as my partner has 2 kids and did not want more and I have none. We talked things through and decided the only thing to do was break up. So I have left. But it is so hard I’m already questioning if this is the right thing to do. Has anyone else experienced leaving a partner purely because one wanted kids & the other one had kids but didn’t want more. How did it turn out? Hoping to hear some success stories either way as I feel extremely down right now.

I haven't been in this situation but you have to do what's right for you. If you want kids and your partner doesn't are you going to be happy being together? It sounds to me like you've made the right decision for you

Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 09:44

Sounds like a sensible decision on both parts. (Even better would’ve been not dating him at all!)

Unwise to give up having DC for a man.

If your age and/or fertility is a factor, would focus on recovering from the breakup and getting dating again.

Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 09:44

Eg no contact at all with your ex.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2022 09:45

Try to reframe for yourself a bit, if you can.

Of course you’re really upset and unhappy. This was expected. You can’t get away from this pain of the relationship ending, but you can get through it. It was the right thing to do because your desires are not compatible with your ex-partner’s desires and you shouldn’t compromise on something fundamental.

This pain is necessary for you to move on.

I’m so sorry it’s hard.

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 15/04/2022 09:50

It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I keep thinking have I done the right thing? But then how could I go back now and live a life on his terms? It is the right thing to do to split up but it’s so much harder when we love each other. I feel sick and upset and like I’ve hurt us both for something that might not happen anyway.

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Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 09:55

YOU haven’t ‘hurt you both’: wanting DC isn’t at all unreasonable.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/04/2022 09:57

Time to move on. If he loved you that much I think he could have agreed to one child.
Dating a young woman is surely going to lead to kids in most cases.

Poppins2016 · 15/04/2022 10:03

It would probably have hurt you more and caused resentment in the long term if you stayed and didn't give yourself the chance to have children. There are also two people in this decision - your partner is contributing equally to the outcome as neither of you wish to compromise - so try not to frame it all as being your responsibility.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2022 10:05

I feel sick and upset and like I’ve hurt us both for something that might not happen anyway.

I agree with Loopy. You haven’t hurt him, or yourself. You have prioritised your own deeply held needs, to have the chance of becoming a mother. This is the opposite of hurting yourself - in time it will only make you stronger but right now the pain is inevitable. If you’d stayed, the long-term pain would be much more damaging.

In terms of hurting him, it’s not your place to take that blame. You both got into this relationship understanding the other had a fundamental incompatibility. He’s hurt you as much as you’ve hurt him. No one should take any blame on themselves in this, because it’s pointless.

Try to distract yourself as much as you possibly can during this readjustment period.

Fireflygal · 15/04/2022 10:16

You made the right decision for you but a break up is painful. It will ease over time.

I know of one fabulous woman who gave up having children for a man. In her 40s she left him and has regretted the decision as left it too late. She has lost the opportunity to have children of her own and deeply regrets prioritising his needs over hers.

Stay true to the life you want. You can find love again.

NOTANUM · 15/04/2022 10:20

I also know two women who stayed with DP/DH despite wanting kids. Both had resentment and ended up leaving the relationship in their 40s. One is a happy stepmum but regrets those wasted years and the other never had kids but is happy alone.

The hard part is over. Wishing you luck OP.

mcmooberry · 15/04/2022 10:46

You have definitely done the right thing, trust me, your love for this man would never survive being mid forties and having left it too late. I left a 13 year relationship aged 37 to try and find someone to have children with, I didn't/couldn't KNOW I would succeed but I needed to try. I did meet someone and have had children and am now friends with my ex who is an "uncle" to our children.
Also wishing you the best of luck. I always comment on these type of threads and urge people to leave.

zeroinspiration · 15/04/2022 11:09

@Lightattheendofthetunnel22

It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I keep thinking have I done the right thing? But then how could I go back now and live a life on his terms? It is the right thing to do to split up but it’s so much harder when we love each other. I feel sick and upset and like I’ve hurt us both for something that might not happen anyway.

Love doesn't always last.

You love each other now, but can he guarantee to you that he will always love you and want to make you happy (with the exception of giving you children) and that the relationship will always be strong and true so maybe it's worth giving up having children to be with him?

Can you guarantee to yourself that you will never stop loving him or grow tired of him so children aren't as important as having a relationship with him?

The answer is no to both as none of us has a crystal ball. If you stayed with him wanting the love and relationship you have now how would you feel if in 10 years time he met someone else and decided to leave you for her or if he said he wasn't feeling the love anymore and wanted to split?

Apart of course of the devastation of losing him would you also feel the biggest regret at the thought that you gave up having kids for him, only for him to walk off 10 years later?
Would that thought be something that you would be able to live with for the rest of your life?
Or will you look back wishing with all your heart that you had left and made different choices?

I think in the long run you have made the right choice in leaving and finding someone that will want to have children with you and there is always the choice of going through ivf with a sperm donor too.

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 15/04/2022 11:11

I am hoping me and my ex (feels weird calling him an ex) can be friends in the future as we do get on so well. But at the minute I still see him as someone I love as a partner so it’s just so hard. I have contemplated staying and giving up my chance of a child but like others have said I would regret that. And at the same time why is my need to have a child less than his to have no more? So surely splitting up is the right thing to do but my heart is well and truly broken right now. I miss him and our life so much already. And I’m scared of the unknown. What if I’m left on the shelf and childless anyway or I never meet someone I have the same connection with. All these thoughts are going round my head.

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Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 15/04/2022 11:13

@mcmooberry I’m glad to hear you got to be a mum in the end. It’s just so painful when you want that with someone you love who doesn’t want that with you.

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Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 11:23

Your ex is already a parent: his (understandable) preference to have no more DC isn’t equivalent to your preference to have the opportunity to have biological DC.

Was he upfront from the start that he wouldn’t want more DC?

You mightn’t have DC, but if you prioritise recovering from this relationship your odds of finding another good relationship with someone who wants DC with you will be better.

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 15/04/2022 11:30

@Loopytiles we were both aware of each other’s preference at the start but both guilty of ignoring it. I think because we clicked and had found something great with each other we just wanted to enjoy the ride. I thought it might fizzle out anyway but we just got stronger. I also thought I might change my mind or he might change his, as people do. I don’t regret our time together though, I’ve experienced love and happiness but I know that happiness would not have lasted if I had stayed any longer.

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Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 11:47

OK, so you knowingly took a big risk, and it didn’t work out, time to move on! There are lots of ways you can make it easier for yourself - break up recovery tips online!

Your ex will be fine too: he has his DC and the option to date women who already have their own DC or don’t want to have biological DC.

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 15/04/2022 12:12

I know, In hindsight we shouldn’t have pursued anything but I remember getting advice off a couple of male friends at the time and they said people do change their minds based on the level of relationship they are in. The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel sick but I know I need to get in a different mindset.

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