Shit ex-husband

[ChiaraRimini]

Just after a moan really.
Divorced for 5 years after 20 year marriage to selfish man-child and I am still doing more then my fair share of childcare.
DC22 and DC19 are at university. DC11 has just come to me in tears tonight. She is with her DF EOW and half of school hols. She doesn't want to spend time with him any more because

1. He recently frightened her by losing his temper and punching the wall when she was alone in the house with him. This triggered a memory for her of when he was violent to one of her siblings around the time the marriage broke up
2. His flat is constantly dirty. Everything stinks of smoke. He never cleans the bathroom so she doesn't want to shower there. The tap on the bathroom sink broke so she can't brush her teeth there, and the kitchen sink is full of dirty washing up.

This has all just come out. I can't send her back there. I'm just knackered and worn down and need a break from parenting. I really wish he would man up but he has got even worse since we split up. It breaks my heart because she doesn't want to be disloyal to her dad so she hated telling me this, but she can't stand it anymore

So don't send her. Let him take you to court. She's old enough to be listened to.

As pp said. He is violent and shouldn't be anywhere near your child anyway.

Don’t send her.

Look for other avenues of support. Not having to deal with the stress of him will help you
I’m sorry you and she are having to deal with this

I hear you, OP, I left my selfish manchild ex in 2013

He lives down the road (like one mile) but doesn’t really bother with the girls. Complains ‘they never get in touch’ and ‘don’t tell him anything’ (not sure he even knows dd1 is about to start uni). Lives with his gf but ‘too awkward’ to invite them round for Xmas. Has managed to lurch from one crisis to another, just had his fourth property purchase in 9yrs.

dd19 had got the measure and just gets on with life and just sees very occasionally.
dd17 is often in tears as she wants him to be involved, can she how shit he is, worries about him, knows she deserves better. It’s a lot of conflicting feelings to wrestle with.

And hard to find the right way to support the kids when coping with the resentment re: financial hit of getting the kids through uni on one salary and thinking what an Unholy Failure he is as a dad and how much more the kids deserve.

When dd was in tears last night about this I accidentally used the word ‘w*anker’ about him. I apologised. She said it’s ok. It sort of helped that she could cope with seeing my real feelings a what sort of Dad he is.

None of this is easy.

you know what to do.

Once we can all (dd2) just stop giving a f*ck it’ll get easier I think.

Plus: I’m sorry you’re having to completely do it alone. It really is completely exhausting. You’ve got two at uni: well bloody done.

I hear you.

Ex's are shit. My ex, 2 yrs split after 20 yrs married, hasn't had our kids overnight for over a year. Stranger called the police on him after the way he treated DD. So, whilst I find it tiring that I'm doing it all alone, I'd never ever force them to see him. Their safety and happiness is far more of a priority.

Sending you hugs. I get you're tired and hacked off, but you've got this.

Thanks all, it helps just to feel heard. It is just so relentless when you are a lone parent isn't it? He is an expert at shirking responsibility for anything he doesn't want to do but I honestly didn't think it would get to the point DD doesn't want to stay with him. Our older kids are quite angry with him for his neglectful attitude to DD.
I don't have any family support nearby. I think I'm going to ask the older ones to babysit a bit while they are home from Uni.

Woukd you want your dd to spend time with another adult who punched walls in front of them? Our screwed up belief that parents are always good makes it hard for us to think clearly about this. Our standards of behaviour for family should be higher than we have for non family, not scraping the bottom of the barrel.

The older ones won't mind looking after their sister if it helps you and her I am sure.
It's hard doing it alone-did it myself for seven years.
Be proud that you have two at uni-top parenting that.

If she’s 11 can you encourage her to have some sleepovers and hope she gets invited back? It would give you a break.