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Original poster

Someone likes me and all I can think is oh fuck I'm terrified

26 replies

PartyGoose · 14/04/2022 14:42

Anyone able to talk some sense into me?

I'm 40, no great looker (just being honest here not self deprecating, it's the truth), and completely battered emotionally after an 11 year relationship with someone I really thought was The One broke down in very difficult circumstances 3 years ago. I'm now a single parent with a disabled DC and my ex isn't very helpful [understatement] so I've not really been looking to meet anyone new because the whole thing seems a bit impossible logistically and fucking terrifying emotionally

Just pre lockdown I met someone entirely incidentally who I ended up going out for a drink with and who I might well have gone for a second drink with but then lockdown happened and he moved a bit further away (not very far really but not exactly round the corner either). He is very very nice, we have lots of the same interests/sense of humour/politics etc, he's also a single parent with resident children and seems extremely understanding of my situation. We've been in almost constant contact over social media for the last couple of years and he's recently told me that he would like to try and pick up where lockdown interrupted and meet up again. He's telling me he has felt fairly strongly about me since we met but didn't want to make a twat of himself because I was so spiky at the time and he couldn't tell if I was interested or not (this is a known fault of mine, combined with being rubbish at spotting signs of interest from men Blush )

I know from the chats we've had that we both have a similar idea of what we want, and I do really like him a lot, so this should be great news, but... I'm just so scared. I don't know how to try and start again. I'd bloody love to have sex again for example but I'm also terrified of trying to do that with someone new after so long, which isn't really second date conversation, but then when and how do you talk to someone about this stuff? I have no doubt he'd be understanding btw, it's not about that, I can't even define what I'm scared of. Maybe I'm just not ready to try and do this, but then when will I be? I can't afford therapy or anything like that so I've got to muddle through somehow and I don't want to be on my own forever, and I do really like him and think that if I can get over myself a bit then this could be really lovely.

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 14/04/2022 14:44

Hmmm. I would put off thinking about it if I’m honest and just enjoy the moment?! And keep seeing him.

MorrisZapp · 14/04/2022 14:45

You don't talk about sex in advance, this is Britain. You have a couple of drinks then jump on.

Original poster
PartyGoose · 14/04/2022 14:46

@Haggisfish3

Hmmm. I would put off thinking about it if I’m honest and just enjoy the moment?! And keep seeing him.
I know you're right Flowers

I should have mentioned I am autistic (well, still undergoing adult assessment process but it's pretty bloody obvious) and probably also have ADHD so overthinking is one of my specialities Hmm

OP posts:
SophieSoSo · 14/04/2022 14:47

It’s normal to be frightened after everything you’ve been through but it sounds like this man seems kind and genuine from what you’ve written, and you really do deserve a chance at happiness.

Deal with each of the above issues as the arise, you don’t need to worry about all of that yet. Go for it Flowers

Spitescreen · 14/04/2022 15:04

Oh, OP, you sound great, and this man also sounds like a good egg. Isn’t it worth a shot? Feel the fear and do it anyway?

Pinkbonbon · 14/04/2022 15:45

'If I can get over myself a bit'
No no no no no no no! Not the mindset to date with.

You have boundaries. They are their to protect you. You have every right to them.

Maybe you are a bit prickly sometimes but don't date men who point that out to you. Date men who you grow to feel safe with over time.

You never need to put thought into how to lower your guard. Your guard is up for good reason. It's his job to earn your trust. Not to make you lower it by slagging you off and making you feel you don't have a right to be careful.

Pinkbonbon · 14/04/2022 15:46

*there to protect you

MzHz · 14/04/2022 15:48

Be honest with him. Tell him where you are in all this and I think he’ll understand

Take things at your pace. It’s absolutely normal to feel the way you do. 100%

GreenNewDealNow · 14/04/2022 15:50

Take it slowly at your own pace. Be honest with him about the autism etc. and watch very closely his response. From personal experience, men can often play down potential difficulties in a relationship at the beginning as they are motivated by sex, thus will depend on his maturity level. You don't need to jump into something serious too soon and try to please him as that is too much pressure but you also don't need to entirely push him away if he seems decent. The key is to keep very steady and sensible and not get pressured or carried away.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/04/2022 15:54

I’d not overthink it and breathe very deeply and progress
The sex thing , honestly if you fancy him your lust will take over !!!!

He sounds like he makes you happy which is an excellent place to start

GreenNewDealNow · 14/04/2022 15:57

Also agree with everything pinkbonbon says! Excellent advice. Men need to realise guards are up for a reason, he must never make you feel bad for this.

GreenNewDealNow · 14/04/2022 16:00

Sorry for my grammar but every time I try to improve it my screen disappears!

Original poster
PartyGoose · 14/04/2022 16:50

@Pinkbonbon

'If I can get over myself a bit' No no no no no no no! Not the mindset to date with.

You have boundaries. They are their to protect you. You have every right to them.

Maybe you are a bit prickly sometimes but don't date men who point that out to you. Date men who you grow to feel safe with over time.

You never need to put thought into how to lower your guard. Your guard is up for good reason. It's his job to earn your trust. Not to make you lower it by slagging you off and making you feel you don't have a right to be careful.

He didn't exactly tell me I was spiky, I know what you mean though and I know you're right! He was just telling me he hadn't been sure if I was interested because I'd firmly shaken off all attempts he made at proper flirting, to which I said I was feeling quite spiky at the time, and he said he understood why and that was why he'd let it drop and just enjoyed talking to me about other things instead. We've kind of been dancing round the subject of giving a second drink a go for a while. It was a longer conversation and I am fairly certain that there wasn't any negging (that's what it's called now isn't it?) because that sort of thing makes my skin crawl, and he definitely doesn't make my skin crawl.

My boundaries are good. Very good. For a long time they've been set about 6 feet back from me Grin but I would like to work out how to let this specific person in a bit closer because...I think he's really lovely Blush

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2022 16:54

You've got one life, op. Go ahead and be vulnerable. The worst that can happen is the relationship doesn't work out and you'll both move on. Don't live your life based on fear and past negative experiences.

5128gap · 14/04/2022 17:21

You take it step by step and don't think too far ahead. All that's happened so far is a very nice man you've been talking to for a year wants to meet up. If you think that would be fun, then do it.
Then see what's next on offer and if it appeals, accept that, and so on.
You're scared of sex because sitting there at your keyboard it's theoretical. When it comes to it you will feel differently. And if you don't, you wait until you do.

DatingDinosaur · 14/04/2022 19:23

Oh OP. It could (almost) have been me writing your post!

I can’t offer any advice other than, if you like him and would like to see where things go and it’s only the fear that’s stopping you in reality, then bite the bullet and just agree to meet up for a coffee, walk, catch up, whatever. Don’t over think it. There’s no harm in telling him what you’ve written here either – that you’re really nervous about dating again and want to take things really slow (yes, all things, lol). It sounds like you’ve got good communication with him already so meeting up for a drink is just a natural progression from that really.

If it’s any consolation, I also fret and worry about how and when to talk about sex, but, for me, that’s because I’ve got some past issues there (therapy-ed to death and completely at ease with it all) but it IS a conversation that I need to have with a guy before anything happens because it is something he will need to know about. It’s not so much what to say, but when to have that conversation and how to start it that’s my sticking point.

Don’t be me. I didn’t get a happy ending (of any kind) because I was too chicken-shit to follow my heart. I even got a second chance and managed to blow that too (by being prickly and weird).

Go for that drink!

pixie5121 · 14/04/2022 19:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 14/04/2022 19:40

Hi OP
I feel like I could have written this! Except I’m nearly 47 and don’t have a nice man after me!
I’d say, do the very difficult thing and go for it. I also behave in a prickly way. I think it’s due to lack of confidence and not wanting to be rejected, even if they are saying they like me! I’ll still manage to mess everything up. I wish I could be more natural and up front.
Sorry, I’m not giving very good advice here! Go for the drink, have a couple and see what happens. Hope it works out for you!

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 14/04/2022 19:42

@ pixie5121 me too! I feel so pathetic because of it! And also spent years in an abusive relationship.

Original poster
PartyGoose · 14/04/2022 19:46

Yeah I think the ND info should have gone in my OP really because it's definitely relevant to my spikiness and inability to read signals!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PartyGoose · 14/04/2022 20:46

[quoteWhenwillIlearntoadult]@pixie5121 me too! I feel so pathetic because of it! And also spent years in an abusive relationship.[/quote]
Don't feel pathetic, you're not alone and I bet your lovely ❤️

I enjoy sex and would love to feel ok about starting that again with someone new, but tbh I feel like I'm 15 all over again and nervous of my first time with Tom from 10B 😂 plus I'm very unconfident after the battering my body has taken from having babies (somehow that didn't matter with my ex seeing as they were his babies!!), and the small issue that for reasons I'm not going into on MN or in real life I absolutely cannot perform oral sex, its just flat no never nope territory. I feel like I'm not much of a catch Blush

OP posts:
2Gen · 15/04/2022 11:33

@Pinkbonbon

'If I can get over myself a bit' No no no no no no no! Not the mindset to date with.

You have boundaries. They are their to protect you. You have every right to them.

Maybe you are a bit prickly sometimes but don't date men who point that out to you. Date men who you grow to feel safe with over time.

You never need to put thought into how to lower your guard. Your guard is up for good reason. It's his job to earn your trust. Not to make you lower it by slagging you off and making you feel you don't have a right to be careful.

OP I'm a bit concerned about that little bit of criticism as well. I think you are absolutely right and justified to be on your guard because you've been through such a lot and are the one doing most, if not all, of the parenting of your DC. I would tread very carefully in your shoes and please do not ever put yourself down for being cautious, not only are you right to be but self-criticism now is not a good idea. You need to build your self-worth and confidence UP, not bash it down! Read up on "red flags" and "love bombing" and make sure you're well armed with info before you make a decision to see him again. Knowledge is power! If you do decide to see him again, take it very, very slowly! One step then evaluate before you take the next. Talk to friends. I wish you all the very best whatever you decide!
Original poster
PartyGoose · 15/04/2022 11:45

@2Gen I don't know if you see my post explaining the context of the "spiky" thing but I am very confident that he isn't doing the criticisim to dent my confidence thing, and I also don't detect love bombing either. He is almost as cautious as me I think, and backed right off when he detected incorrectly that I wasn't interested...

OP posts:
Original poster
PartyGoose · 15/04/2022 11:50

One of the things that has made me like him even more is that he always speaks respectfully of the mother of his DC. I always think that's a good sign and have zero time for any men that refer to their ex as crazy etc!

OP posts:
2Gen · 15/04/2022 13:14

[quote PartyGoose]@2Gen I don't know if you see my post explaining the context of the "spiky" thing but I am very confident that he isn't doing the criticisim to dent my confidence thing, and I also don't detect love bombing either. He is almost as cautious as me I think, and backed right off when he detected incorrectly that I wasn't interested...[/quote]
I did see it and so long as you're ok, that's what matters!
I would stand by my advice to take it very slowly and to keep informing and evaluating things but I really do wish you all the very best!

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