What would you do?

[Brownie101]

Hiya,

I have just found out that my partner of 7 years has been exchanging flirty texts with a woman he met online (her partner found the messages and sent to me via social media)

I feel bloody horrible and betrayed.

He is generally a good person, I think, but has made a spectacular mess of this, and I can't stand being lied to.

Untangling lives is such hard work and if I go, I almost certainly will lose contact with my step children who I adore. (I'm not from the place that we live in and will move home which is a considerable distance away)

What would you do?

What was he getting out of sending and receiving flirty messages? Were they boosting his ego, or was he looking for an affair?

I'd go anyway I'm afraid, it will be painful in the short term but nothing like the long term pain of being with someone you can't trust. Sorry OP

Have a serious talk with him OP and find out what's going on.

I would also pack your bags just in case.

Ego boost, he says he felt flattered and he never has had compliments in his life (apart from off me) - he used to be a big guy and has lost a lot of weight- they never met or had any intention to do so from the content of the messages

Have you spoken to him? I wouldn't do anything hasty.

@Obelisk

Have you spoken to him? I wouldn't do anything hasty.

Yeah - we tallked - I was very angry so it didn't go that well.

I actually believe that he's messed up, but...I hate the thought of it

After having wasted 13 good years on a cheat I say leave. Only you know what your boundaries are but for me personally if they're doing anything at all they wouldn't want you to find out about it's cheating in my book. Instant dismissal for me now. When I used to try to find reasons to excuse his behaviour my super wise best friend said something really simple to me and I'll leave it with you "there are people out there who don't cheat". Find one of those for yourself. You deserve nothing less xx

He's a cheat and he'll cheat again. I would be gone.

My sad personal experience in these cases is that once they realise you will forgive them for this, they will do it again knowing all they risk is pissing you off for a bit if you find out. And they will then go a bit further next time, knowing you will probably forgive that too.

Sorry OP.

So he enjoyed the flattery, he felt validated by a person who wasn't you, OP. Not making excuses for him. It's up to you, but IMO not a sackable offence.

@totallyoutnumbered

After having wasted 13 good years on a cheat I say leave. Only you know what your boundaries are but for me personally if they're doing anything at all they wouldn't want you to find out about it's cheating in my book. Instant dismissal for me now. When I used to try to find reasons to excuse his behaviour my super wise best friend said something really simple to me and I'll leave it with you "there are people out there who don't cheat". Find one of those for yourself. You deserve nothing less xx

That's part of the dilemma - unfortunately - it's not my first rodeo, I also spent 14 years with someone who thought it might be noce to sleep with my best mate.

@thestraitofillinois

So he enjoyed the flattery, he felt validated by a person who wasn't you, OP. Not making excuses for him. It's up to you, but IMO not a sackable offence.

I do think that is the case.

It's so hard to know what to do...

How did he meet this person? I know you said online, but was it via a dating website? Social media? Seems very random to me to suddenly meet a stranger online.

And who contacted who first? If he sought her out that's a huge no no to me.

These would be big things for me that would contribute to my feelings about this matter if I was you.

@blankyblank

How did he meet this person? I know you said online, but was it via a dating website? Social media? Seems very random to me to suddenly meet a stranger online.

And who contacted who first? If he sought her out that's a huge no no to me.

These would be big things for me that would contribute to my feelings about this matter if I was you.

She contacted him via Twitter about music. They followed each other a struck up a freindship.

She was single, obvs he wasn't.

God I hate social media. It makes it so much easier for things to take a wrong turn.

What sort of thing did the messages say? “Flirty texts” covers a huge range.

How long were they messaging if she was single to start with, and now has a partner?

@Obelisk

What sort of thing did the messages say? “Flirty texts” covers a huge range.

It was all fairly mundane - talking about her love life or the lack of it and them exchanging compliments. They exchanged numbers so it was outside of SM - which I don't care for.

She was single - but it just feels like there might have been an undercurrent - just a feeling, can't put my finger on it.

Messages are so easy to misinterpret which doesn't help me out.

@excelledyourself

How long were they messaging if she was single to start with, and now has a partner?

I was going to say exactly the same as you - the opening post says her partner got in contact after finding messages, then towards the end it's saying she's single. I wonder which it is?

@excelledyourself

How long were they messaging if she was single to start with, and now has a partner?

They spoke last year and then not for a while - she got back in touch a few weeks ago

Sorry I'm not being very clear - she was single at the time of the first contact - then she had a partner and the split up because they were long distance and other reasons, when they split apparenty she got drunk and messaged my partner - her and her partner are now back together.

Long story!!

@mistymoms

God I hate social media. It makes it so much easier for things to take a wrong turn.

I completely agree. I've been through something similar over the last couple of months. We are working through it, but it has completely broken me to pieces. It's now a case of rebuilding trust and me rebuilding me. It's going to be a long road.