Am I the one in the wrong

[Pedaltoday]

I’ve been with my partner years and we have a 1 year old together. I’ve always had the same problems with his family. They are controlling and I don’t want to be controlled. His mum and sister have never liked me and have spent years doing things to try leave me out. Not inviting me to things etx. My partner has never stuck up for me. Since our daughter was born there is an expectation o just say yes to seeing them whenever they please. I can’t stand them being around my child especially when comments such as “ we never get to see you” and you won’t know who we are are said to my daughter whenever they are holding her. I can’t discuss this with my partner as the second I mention them he goes off the handle about how I make his life hard and It’s their grandchild etc etx. We are at the point where if I say no to them coming over because I have plans it’s deemed as me being difficult, it’s not the same with my family as when I say no I’m busy they just accept it. Mil constantly sends messages to my partner saying how down she is she doesn’t get to see her grandchild and how she’s struggling even though they see her once every 3/4 weeks. I’m at the point with my partner that when I say no to anything with them he always somehow threatens to leave. He can be quite abusive in arguments a lot of name calling and swearing at me when I don’t retaliate I just get upset. I don’t rely on him financially but sometimes I get so mad at myself for having w child with someone who treats me the way he does in a row and basically having to now be attached to his horrible family. I don’t know what I’m holding onto anymore but I don’t know how to handle situations where he threatens to leave ( and go back to his mums no doubt) I think the main worry is years and years ago he told his mum about an argument and she told him to break up with me and he did. We only got back together after he had spoken to her about it and basically got her permission. I can’t stand being around them and whenever I am I have the worst anxiety so I make my life full of plans so I can see them as little as possible. But now I worry that I’m the one that’s difficult and the manipulator in this situation

It's not you. You're not the manipulator.

It must be hard to live happily knowing that he broke up with you after his mummy told him that was the thing to do.

If it makes you anxious being around them, you must tell him. If he isn't sympathetic to your feelings then you have your answer: his family (blood relatives) are more important to him.

You're not the one on the wrong. Well, apart from for staying with this asshole.

Dont raise your child on a household where they see their mother abused for a second longer. You're financially independent? Great! Get out there!

Move as far away as possible. Make it difficult for any of them to spend time with the kid. Fuck.them.

Yes they'll paint you out to be the bad guy, but who gives a diddley as you'll never have to spend any time with them again. Conduct any context messages through your ex partner (or Heck, a solicitor) and block the rest of them from your life.

Of course there is the worry of unsupervised time spent by your child with them. That sucks yes. But here's the thing, my gran was an abusive cow. She made my life a misery irregardless of whether or not my mum was there. She could put you down in a room full of ppl and no one would be any the wiser...but you knew it was a dig at you.

But what really hurt, was when she used my mum against me. And also, when she treated my mum badly. When it was just me, I eventually learned that she was q horrible old boot and what she thought of me - why give a shit!

If you create a safe home environment away from that family, if you keep yourself safe and if you are always supportive of your child when they come home then that will be far better for her/him. Because then at least there is restbite. And one person in the world they know always has their back. So that if the other side of the family do treat them badly, they know they will never be alone if they find the strength to yell them to sod off. Just like their awesome mum did.

I wish mine had found that strength.
I forgive her and I understand.

But please get yourself out of there. Your child should gave at least one safe home. Qnd q happy, brave mum to look up to. Not a martyr and a fool who stays and suffers and cannot protect anyone, not herself or her child. Get out.

Or better still, let him leave. Let him think its his idea. That way you'll get peace to sort things for longer because he thinks he is being smart and punishing you with the silent treatment.

Thank you. It’s them having access to my child I struggle with. The fact they are passive agressive infront of my worries for how it will
Be when I am not there. We had a row this Mother’s Day ( my first one as a mum) because the expectation was that he would take our child to his mothers. It’s like I don’t exist or my family who do so much for us and for him. My family are finding it harder to not say anything to him but don’t for my sake. I sent him a long message today about how when I say no it’s not me being difficult but I would like the option at 33 to be able to say no to people and their wants and needs which was just responded with being called f….. crazy. So now I have the long 5 hour anxiety induced wait until he gets home. Ultimately he knows his mother will be coming over this weekend because if I try stick to my guns that I don’t want her to and I have plans he will threaten to leave like usual

Next time he threatens to leave, let him. I'm not reading anything nice about him or his family.

The real issue though op is that yorlut partner is abusive. That's the number 1 problem. Not his family. If someone entreated your friend or, your child the way your husband treats you, what would you say to them? What would you want for them?

Trying to explain your hurt to an abuser is like trying to explain to a lion why chewing on your leg hurts you. They.dont.care. and chances are they'll just bite all the harder.

Stop trying to explain your pain and distess to him. He is not going to help you. Truth is, he likely even enjoys it sometimes.

Who owns the home? If you want to do tjr leaving then use these 5 hours and br practical, start packing or see about arranging a solicitor or take your important documents over to your family for safe keeping.

You can do this. But you have to take steps to protect you. Not expect the lion to.

You are getting NOTHING out of this “relationship”.
Let him go crawling back to his mummy…..then claim CMS and tell him to take you to court for access to his daughter.
Once he’s gone, start keeping detailed notes, texts, emails etc…..because I have a feeling you might need the .

OP my partner is very like yours. If I disagree with him or try to voice my needs he will shout and swear at me even in front of our DD, this also includes his family's wishes being more important than mine, I know now that this is just part of his campaign to make me feel I don't matter and I'm worthless, so he can keep control of me by making me think I'm the cause of any issues. I am in the process of leaving and like you hate the thought of leaving our child with him and/or his family but I think actually growing up watching her mum being called a vile cunt is much worse. At least I can free myself from the abuse and see things clearly and you can too.

You aren't in the wrong but you were insanely naive to choose to have a baby with a man you knew would never have your back and had a family that would treat you like shit.

You need to decide if you actually want to stay with him or if the price is too high.

Also if you haven't done so it might be worth looking up gaslighting and emotional invalidation and see if you recognise any of those behaviours in the way he treats you.

When you say in the process of leaving what does that entail? I agree the swearing and name calling is too much I want better for my child. Sometimes I genuinely think because his family tired so hard for years and still do to split us up is that the only thing keeping me staying which is awful in itself. We both own our home , aren’t married but are engaged but I earn more than he does. He went back to work a week after our child was born and has never done w night feed / got up in the night , nap time etc so in terms of coping by myself that’s not a worry of mine at all

I'm leaving to stay with family for a couple of weeks, maybe longer so I can have a break from the abuse and hopefully get some confidence back to take the next step and find a more permanent solution to not being together. To be honest the main part has been recognising that what he's doing is abuse and that I'm not the cause of it, because he's blamed me for his behaviour for so long every time I've tried to leave he's sucked me back in by telling me how shit and horrible I am. It sounds like you're at the point of questioning whether this is really your fault (it isn't) and looking for others to validate that which should hopefully give you strength.

If you were to call his bluff next time he threatens to leave and send him back to his mummy, what would your life look like? Better, or worse? Think about it. It's always OK to have boundaries, it's up to you whether the cost of enforcing them is worth it. Plan ahead, think about your ducks.

Let this abusive, unsupportive arsehole leave... in fact make him leave.

Do not allow your children to be bought up in the toxic environment

He will threaten to leave? Let him then. They can see her on his custody time and thats it. Let's see how much of an involved dad he will be then.

Fucking hell, end this toxic nightmare of a relationship already. Don't raise your daughter in this mess. The damage to her will be lifelong if you stay with him.