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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being controlling?

21 replies

Mummybear1993 · 14/04/2022 10:26

My partner is always asking me lost if questions such as:
Is that matching underwear you're wearing?
Are you wearing perfume?
Did someone move my bedside table as I can see things have moved on it?
Has someone been in the garage and in my tools?
Did someone prep some food last night?

These questions were all asked in a space of an hour this morning after he had been out from 7.30pm -10pm with his son.

I put perfume on this morning as I didn't have a shower last night and like to smell nice.

I am wearing different pants today and they don't match my bra but they are black. I normally wear a thing, but as I am going for an appointment at the hospital I didn't want my arse showing through the open gown when laid on the table haha.

I did go in the garage to repair my sons toy.

I did move his bedside table as the light switch was catching and causing it to go on and off.

My son made himself a snack last night whilst my fella was out as he chopped up a carrot.

It felt like endless lines of enquiry. I wouldn't have noticed half of those things.

He did cheat on me in the past. Just wondered if he was doing it again or wondered if I was so finds everything suspicious and looking for evidence all the time, as that's how it feels like he is looking for things...

Am I going mad?

OP posts:
Unanananana · 14/04/2022 10:44

What does be say when you give him your very reasonable answers?

I couldn't live with the constant interrogation of myself and my children. Especially from a proven cheater. He would have gone straight in the bin the first and last time.

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/04/2022 10:46

The incessant questioning would drive me insane! Has he always been like this?

thestraitofillinois · 14/04/2022 11:20

Those questions are all related to him being suspicious of you having an affair, surely?!

Pinkbonbon · 14/04/2022 11:26

@thestraitofillinois

Those questions are all related to him being suspicious of you having an affair, surely?!
Think op means that often when guys cheat, they start acting like you are the one cheating. Firstly, to keep you so focused on defending yourself that you don't know what they are up to. And secondly, out of paranoia because they assume everyone else is a shitty human being just like them.

If it feels weird op, trust your gut. Controlling behaviour is bad enough on its own, let alone cheating. Infact I'd go as far as to say its worse.

Original poster
Mummybear1993 · 14/04/2022 12:32

He did also say recently that I should listen to what he says in the house/
He earns more and he says he never complains when we spend his money as I wouldn't have anything left at the end of the month if we split the bills 50/50.
I don't feel like his equal at all.
It doesn't feel right. Does feel controlling.
I asked if he might text me first for a change today as I always feel like I am chasing and texting him. He said he often texts me first..: I honestly can't remember the last time. Clearly not forefront of him mind. He says he is very busy at work: but then he always seems to be on Facebook. Rather confused.

OP posts:
curiouscat123 · 14/04/2022 14:00

I was with someone who has like this, questioning the smallest and most ridiculous things and hyper vigilant to the point where it made me feel on edge.

It wore my down, but if I did the same to him, he would become super defensive. I think it could have been for a number of reasons: he had previously cheated on his ex wife throughout their relationship and was so paranoid someone would do that to him, he was cheating on me (I had suspicions towards the end of the relationship) or that it is the way he is and he needs help to figure out his insecurities.

For your own sake, you need to address it head on. It's not nice to live like that feeling like you can't relax in your own home.

Is he controlling over what you do and who you see?

I do also believe that paranoid people are often the ones doing something wrong themselves...

Quartz2208 · 14/04/2022 14:05

All the questions seem to be about whether someone else was in the house and in effect accusing you of having an affair

Pixiedust1234 · 14/04/2022 14:10

Ask him why he wants to know. Let him spell it out to you.

  1. Wearing perfume? Yes, why?
  2. Someone use kitchen last night? Yes, why?
  3. Did you move my light? Yes, why?

There might be a valid reason to his questions, but probably not. Only way to tell is to ask why.

Original poster
Mummybear1993 · 14/04/2022 14:16

I agree, I should flip it round.

I agree that paranoid people look for things and evidence.

He snoops through my things but says he comes across them....

I feel it's because he felt like he lost control when I found out he was having an affair, so wanted to find things out on me and use it against me.

You're right I can't relax in my own home and not can my children. It's like he is always looking for our flaws.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 14/04/2022 14:29

It doesn't feel right.

Rather confused.

That's what his behaviour is designed to do. To have you doubting yourself, not knowing which way is up, wondering what he's going to do or say next, walking on eggshells ...

Do not doubt yourself. It's not you. It's him. It's not going to get any better.

With any luck, if he is having an affair, he'll fuck off PDQ and move on to his next victim.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Mummybear Flowers

5128gap · 14/04/2022 14:40

He's insecure in your relationship. Because he's been a cheat, he thinks that's what people do and what you're doing. He was frightened you'd had a man in the house while he was out, and is frightened you will cheat/leave, so keeps reminding you that you couldn't manage financially without him.
If its any consolation, I'd say these aren't signs he's cheating on you at the moment. Usually when they're cheating they're too wrapped up in what they're doing to worry about what you're up to. They wouldn't WANT you to be cheating, but probably don't give it a thought.
What you do is up to you and how much he's worth to you. You could try reassuring him; you could say no way are you being interrogated when you've done nothing wrong and refuse to answer his questions; or you could move on. If he's cheated he's not the best is he? So probably not worth your trouble.

Original poster
Mummybear1993 · 14/04/2022 14:50

That's exactly what I thought about him cheated and behaving.
I just feel like he blows hot and cold and as some of you have said feel like I walk on eggshells and then doubt myself.
It works best when I go around like I don't care and I am happy.
Although that seems to trigger his insecurities that I might have someone else.

Ironically when he was cheating on me and when I had found out, an d high school mate got in touch just as friends. He did invite me out for coffee sometime, but I declined and said it wasn't right.
I told my fella bout this and the timing of it and he got all annoyed. He deleted the guy as his friend on Social media and he was really annoyed with me for being in touch with him.
Double standards?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/04/2022 14:52

Either way, he depends like a dick op. Partners are meant to make your life easier and more joyful. If you're walking about on egg shells being made to feel shit about yourself by them then...what's the point in them?

FinallyHere · 14/04/2022 14:54

Double standards?

Why did you have him back after he cheated? Doesn't sound like much fun to have him in the house.

Bananalanacake · 14/04/2022 15:26

Do you have DC together, if not there's no point in living with him. You can still have a relationship but can do whatever you want without stupid questions.

Original poster
Mummybear1993 · 14/04/2022 15:45

We don't have any children together and to be honest he nit picks over the kids too.
I am bot sure why I am still with him either tbh.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 14/04/2022 16:09

Him blowing hot and cold is part of the pattern they all use. If they were cold all the time we'd have dumped them ages ago - the hot times are the ones that keep us hanging on, hoping that things will end up the way they were at the beginning.

It never happens.

sillysmiles · 14/04/2022 16:14

It doesn't feel right. Does feel controlling.

You are the one in the situation, if you feel like it is controlling then, it probably is.

JanglyBeads · 14/04/2022 17:25

Have you any family or friends you trust to discuss this with OP.?
How old are your DC? How do they react to him?

Planesmistakenforstars · 14/04/2022 17:31

You shouldn't be walking on eggshells in a relationship.
He shouldn't be making you feel inferior to him, because you are not
You are right that he is projecting his behaviour onto you
He is lying about snooping through your things
Am I reading it right that he deleted your old friend from your Social media? Oh hell no.
Does he honestly think you have shagged someone in the house, and this other man went in the garage and used his tools? That's quite some insecurity. What a sad little man.

billy1966 · 14/04/2022 18:17

He nit picks your children?

He's a cheat.

He's controlling and dishonest.

Why have you allowed this loser to remain in your childrens lives.

Whose house is it?

If it's yours, get him out.

If its not, start planing.

Your children deserve better than this.

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