Help with Angry Husband

[MonarchMama89]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for almost four. He has always had a temper and he does not handle stress very well. It's been a constant issue in our relationship because when he's stressed he lashes out at me. I honestly don't know why I've put up with it for so many years. I am now currently pregnant with our second child and we just bought a house. We got into an argument the other night and in my opinion he should be the one to apologize to me. He went off on me for simply just asking him to go to the grocery store after I had been working all day. I then heard him yelling our daughter and saying not great things to her so I ended up taking over and he got even more pissed off. Today is the fourth day that he has been distant towards me and I honestly haven't been trying to speak with him. After what he said to our daughter, I don't really know what to say. I'm just so sick of always dealing with his mood swings and I wish I had a man who would own up to his behavior. Right now, I'm not really sure what I should do. I know not talking is not productive but how can I talk to somebody when I'm still upset and don't know how to fix this. I know that all I want is for him to apologize and to own his behavior and to reflect on what happened but I don't think he'll do that. He has a lot of family stress and now he has job stress and I think the last thing he wants to deal with is me. I'm just hurting and I'm so over all of this. But what choice do I have at this point? I am more in this relationship than I ever have been and I just don't see how things are going to get better. I should mention that we are in couples counseling and the counselor is seeing him on his own for a little while. I just know in my heart that it's going to take him a lot of time to heal from the trauma he's had in his life. I'm not sure I can handle this anymore though. I don't like the way I'm being treated and I don't deserve to be treated this way. It's not a healthy situation and it's not normal. I guess I'm just looking for words of wisdom or experience from others who may have been in this situation. I'm feeling lost and hurt and overwhelmed.

Leave him now. None of this will ever get any better. Don't allow your children to grow up thinking this abuse is normal.

My Dad was like that growing up and my mum left him eventually. After she left though he seemed to have a complete change in personality and was much nicer and easier to be around. After a few years they reconciled and she moved back in. Sometimes the saying ‘you don’t know what you gave until it’s gone’ can be very true. Perhaps You should have a trial separation so he realize that his behavior had driven you away and you can have space to think about whether you want to continue being married to him

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone!

I wouldn't waste years of my life on a man like that.

I cant stand those types - street angel house devil, tries to cope with everything that stresses him outside, by treating his family like shit behind closed doors. I'd have told him to fuck off ages ago.

The Counsellor seeing him alone is strange. But it hasn't and won't change anything anyway. Hes the way he is because he wants to be.

He's already starting on your DD, if you stay around him her confidence and self-esteem will be shot to pieces. Terrible start in life for a child.

street angel house devil, tries to cope with everything that stresses him outside, by treating his family like shit behind closed doors.

^ I have never seen the issue so clearly defined before. I agree.

Sorry OP. It sounds like you were understandably hoping things would improve but work stress on top hasn't helped. If you don't have much family support you might need to stick around until you're on your feet after baby arrives. In which case I'd just try to emotionally detach and think ahead to protect yourself and DD..

My x was like this. Smiled at his boss, the neighbours, strangers. But he made me the lightning rod for his low self-esteem.
Yelling at me was an excellent coping mechanism for him.

My DH / marriage is very similar. It’s so difficult. I worry about my DS, too. I’ve made it clear to my DH that he’s out if things don’t improve. Getting divorced isn’t an easy choice, though. I hate when it’s casually suggested, here.

It is abusive - does he speak to anyone else like this - his boss - his friends - his siblings - yes your right it will be hard for him to change - look up signs of an abusive relationship - see if he ticks any other criteria - you need counselling on your own - pregnancy is when this type of behaviour ramps up.
I hope you have real life support.
You really need to think about your children - the impact it has on them and the damage it is doing - even whilst pregnant.
🌺

You cannot change people. Only your reaction to them.
I had to leave after many many years of marriage. I was the verbal punchbag after every stressful day he had at work. And then every weekend too.

Your children will be learning from you and your husband’s relationship. If you do things to appease his behaviour your daughter will learn that it’s ok at accept the behaviour and appease. If you have a son he will learn that anger is an acceptable way to behave with women.
If you’re happy with that then there isn’t a problem. If not, then split.
A home should be a place of sanctuary to get away from the stresses of the day. It should be a safe place to relax. Is yours?

He's been treating you like this for 10 years.

Isn't the definition of stupidity ' to continue doing the same thing, and yet expecting a different result ?'

You "took over" from your DD? Wow what a way to teach her how to be in/ what is acceptable in a relationship!

Try to ignore the title of this book. It's a book with supports YOU and puts the focus back on you, and away from him.

www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Have-Take-Anymore-Compassionate-ebook/dp/B00BORATEA/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid&sr

You've got this. You've done your best til now. You'll get posters here questioning your choices and why you're having another baby with him. Try to ignore unsupportive comments, many won't understand but this will be ok and you will be ok. Read this, regroup and go forward from today. You'll notice a big difference.

Really important question here for you to think about: does your husband lash out at others (including at work) or is it just you and your daughter? If he does then you've got an angry husband and he needs serious therapy. If he only lashes out at you and your daughter then you've got a husband who hates women. If he can control it in other areas of his life but won't control it at home then that tells you all you need to know about your place in his life, i.e. you and your daughter sit squarely beneath him.

I experienced emotional abuse in childhood and it left its mark on me even though I did not live with the perpetrator. You really need to set some firm boundaries here otherwise I fear your children may be in for some life long damage. It doesn't have to leave a physical mark to have a long term impact on you, please believe me when I say that. Even if it's the best case scenario (relatively speaking) and he lashes out at everyone as opposed to just you and DD I would still seriously consider if you can live apart until he has enough therapy to have made a difference.

Honestly OP, I had 10 years of anger issues and it being everybody else's fault but his own. He had a bad childhood, he had depression, he didn't deal with stress well, all excuses to treat me and the children like crap.

It got lots worse after DC2 because I needed help and he didn't want to do it. Just leave now and save yourself years of unhappiness and resentment. Unless he wants to change and go to counselling or anger management he won't, I tried all of that, even tried to change myself but that just made me bend to his every whim to avoid conflict. Nothing helped and he is now my ex. I am so much happier with my children and we actually get on better as I am not dependent on him and expect nothing from him.

Your poor daughter in the middle of this.

OP, if you can terminate your pregnancy, do it.

Pack your bags and get your child away from this abusive man.

Bullys like him never change.
They destroy the lives of their children.

Have you family to go to?
You need to start making better choices.

10 years of this?

You deserve better.
Your poor child certainly does.