shagged someone at work - a mistake - want to change the tone now. How?

[toooldforthis2]

Shagged guy at work. More senior than me. It carried on for a little while based on his future-faking. Basically making lots of promises and plans and nothing coming through. Eg suggesting to go out for dinner, me arriving, waiting, him turning up late, it turning into drinks at his flat and him assuming we can have sex again.

It went on a bit like this and I felt made a fool of because he had not been straight or truthful. Believes himself to be a total lothario who can charm me back into bed. He has unfortunately been responsible for a few decisions around my promotions and pay rises, so I have kept the relationship intact but I really don't want him to think I will fall for any more of his shit.

When he comes on calls with me alone to talk about work stuff, or Zoom calls, he always tries to turn the calls personal. Always wanting an instant familiarity and rapport and slip back into what we had. I liked him a lot but if he really wanted it, he'd be like that all the time rather than just when he wants to have sex.

I have slipped into this habit of being really moody on these calls, not responding, ignoring his reach outs, being cold and dismissive, not laughing at jokes, looking pissed off, to make him "get the message." But I don't really want to be that person. But I don't know how else to act.

We have to continue a professional relationship and I don't want to cut ties or leave the organisation but I have no other mode apart from the moody teenager mode where I am monosyllabic and unresponsive. I worry if I am bright and breezy he will think everything is fine and see it as an invitation to hit me up whenever he is horny. Or that I am weak or exploitable again. I want to appear strong and like I don't care

What's the best attitude to take?

Start looking for another job.

Tell him you'd like things to be strictly professional between you.
Document everything. Speak to your union/acas.

Definitely bright and breezy.
But when he starts flirting, put him in his place.
Trouble is he’s a game player... so tedious. Otherwise you could just say... yes that was fun but it’s not a goer, so let’s be friends.

But moody teenager is not going to help you feel professional and in control so knock that on the head.

I would invent a new partner or say an ex has resurfaced. Of course you shouldn't have to do this but needs must sometimes.

Bridget Jones probably has all
The advice you need in the first film.
Get a new job, ditch the Hugh Grant one, drink wine, fall over, find Colin Firth...

But finding a new job is the priority. As is saying a lovely empowered and self preserving "No thanks."

Leave the job - won't get better. Or speak to hr and tell them your problems and maybe he will get the sack! Is he single?... sounds like a catch!

Act nice and normal but don’t respond to anything that isn’t professional

Just act normal and friendly and if he hits you up just give him the brush off.

Do you have feelings for him OP?

Well yes I did get feelings for him but I know objectively he is a complete time waster and I actually feel quite angry at him

Thank you for all the advice. I like the new partner idea...

Have you told him you would like your relationship to return to business only?

Tbh, you need to get a new job ideally. But if you feel ballsy enough, give him the brush off, he’ll get the message and it will wound his ego. Any big statement about you wanting to keep it professional, he’ll see as a challenge I’m afraid. Inventing a new partner will do the same as he’ll want to make you lapse.

He texts you - respond ‘haha’ or ‘that’s nice!’ or ‘oh no!’ depending what’s appropriate. Similar practice in person or on zoom if he tries to make things personal. You could even not pick up his calls, and then respond with a formal email apologising and asking how you can help? I had a similar situation with someone who I was in a volunteering group with and this did work well. This person didn’t care about a new boyfriend either, which added to his idea of challenge

He’s harassing you because he wants an ego boost and his dick wet- don’t give him the satisfaction.

I would also document your relationship with HR if you are able to do this clandestinely. You’ll be able to cover your own back in case he turns nasty, which he may do - at any point, no matter what you do.

At my work, any couples/relationships have to be declared if there is a close working relationship...so that we don't have people in situations responsible for each others promotions, career progression and pay. You should tell HR about it so that he is removed from having that input or say into your performance and advise him that you now wish to end this and get back to business.

Definitely be bright and breezy! But shut him down with a firm "no, not interested" when he gets personal
It could turn difficult if he is your senior.......though I'm sure he wouldn't want any trouble with HR......

Bright, breezy, professional. It may just blow over and be forgotten with a bit of time or you could try for an internal transfer (if possible) or new job.

Echoing others...find a new job or internal transfer.

And ffs ignore all the useless advice about going to hr. You'll look like a fool.

I agree with speaking to HR and telling them you've had a relationship (even if it didn't really amount to much) and it's not appropriate for him to be involved in deciding how your career progresses.

I would t invite à new partner-why should you have to lie and twist around to deal with his stupidity. I’d send him a message saying that while you had a brief ‘relationship’/ encounter, it doesn’t work for you now and you are formally telling him that your work relationship needs to return to, and remain on, absolutely professional terms. You are sure he’ll share your wish to resolve this incident without having to involve HR (or whatever the next level up is in your organisation).

Oh ffs. “I wouldn’t invent a new partner”

Find a new job and resolve never to do this again. He’s being really disrespectful and exploitative but you have also allowed this. Boundaries!

I'd just switch to bright and breezy and be like 'not great at getting hints are you? Look man, it's over. Accept it and move on like I have. Because otherwise its going to be awkward and weird moving forwards. We had fun. Now its over. Permanently, incase that was not clear. We are just colleagues. Repeat that back to me - ? - Great. Thank you'.

Another vote for Bright and breezy here, saying something like 'ahh it was lots of fun, but I have a new partner now, so can't see you outside work anymore'
No point pudding him off, or sulking around him (unprofessional) and definitely pointless going to HR or your union. You will look like such a fool, you knew what you were doing and it was a bit silly really, and didn't work out.

Big girl pants on, breezy smile and act as if you don't care!

*pissing

You need to turn this around mentally and laugh it off internally. It is definitely his loss so don't cave. Just fend him off. He will lose interest. Maybe suggest June in Accounts or Carly in Marketing.

In the meantime, look for another job. I always think you are better to get away from these people/situations if it will have a bearing on your progress.

HR are there to look after the company and will probably prioritise him over you. I know someone who was sexually assaulted on a car journey with her boss. She didn't report it to the Police because she thought it was out of character/a one off but did report it to HR. They moved her to a different site away from him. A year later he was due to work at her site and when she spoke to HR she was told that it had been noted on her file that she'd had an affair with him. It shouldn't happen but junior women seem to come off worst in these situations.