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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship doubts

23 replies

Journeytoinnerpeace · 13/04/2022 22:49

Hi everyone
A few months ago I started the online dating game after being separated from my husband for a year. I was looking for a serious relationship and having come out of a long unhappy marriage I wasn’t willing to settle. I dated 3 men all of which were nice but there were things that made me end it, something was missing etc.
I then went on a date with a guy and it went really well I was excited about it, for the first time. We carried on dating and are now in a “relationship”. It’s only been 8 weeks but recently I’ve been seeing red flags and just losing the excitement.
He’s not like other men I’ve dated, he’s not interested in “trying it on” which I am getting to a point of longing for. We have sex but not often which I find strange at this stage, like he doesn’t seem interested. I don’t ever mention it to him, but tonight for example, he kind of turned this round on me. We were laid watching tele, he was over for a few hours before going home. He comes over a couple of times a week and always falls asleep on the sofa which is fine - he works hard. But then as he is leaving he makes out like he was “horny” and wanted to have sex, which leaves me confused because he was asleep all night. Anyway tonight I wore an oversized T-shirt, purposely to show a bit of cheeky leg, maybe a flash of my ass, he didn’t even bat an eyelid or give my ass a quick squeeze, he fell asleep, with his arm around me. I just laid watching television. He woke up and eventually gave my ass a cheeky squeeze and I thought yes I’m in 🤣 and he said you never want to have sex with me any more, are you going off me? And I was so confused, i said no I am always in the mood. He replied by saying me too, so again I thought wheyyy tonight might be a good night, then he went on to say apart from tonight cos I’m sleepy. So I said but you sleep everytime you come over (trying to make a joke of it because he tried to put the blame on me)
I just feel confused by the whole situation.
Why doesn’t he want to do anything with me.
He tells me he thinks I’m beautiful and never wants to lose me but I’m just confused. Maybe he just wants a companion not a “lover” as such.

There has also been a few other red flags, eg, when he was leaving tonight he said txt me a little but more tomorrow, you didn’t txt me very often yesterday and I felt like you were going off me..again so this confused me.
He makes comments on ladies on tv etc which makes me feel a bit shit (I know this is pathetic of me)
He can also come across a little camp at times too although he has made homophobic comments on a couple of occasions (of which I completely do not agree with ) so I have wondered about his sexuality.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t feel the excitement, happiness, the feeling good about myself that tends to come with new relationships.
He’s told me a few times he don’t know what he’d do if I left him.
He says he was in such a bad place before he met me and I have brought him out of that place, so this also clouds my judgment of what I should do.
I’m so confused, advice is very welcome x

OP posts:

Sunnytwobridges · 13/04/2022 22:56

Eh, someone that has you this confused and tied up in knots only a few months in is not worth it. I wouldn't waste time trying to decipher and analyze what he means by his actions/non actions.

Any guy I've dated where I start questioning things very early into the relationship, I know it's time to move on OR just deal with him how he is cause he won't change. Most people are on their best behaviours at the beginning so to me he is really showing you this is how it will be going forward. you just have to decide to accept it and not question or move on.

seensome · 13/04/2022 23:05

Sounds like you've got in the habit already of him coming over to yours too often, it's only 8 weeks in, it shouldn't be this boring, are you not going out on dates to mix it up a bit? it's only going to get worse, the longer this arrangement goes on.

DatingDinosaur · 13/04/2022 23:08

Yuk. He sounds horrible. Sounds like he wants you to do all the running and he’s grooming you to put yourself out for him and do what he wants when he wants.

It’s only been 8 weeks and already he’s behaving like a pipe and slippers lazy, make no effort but want it all handed to him on a plate bloke.

Fair enough if he wants companionship more than a lover/relationship but he’s not even making an effort with that by the sounds of things.

Emotionally manipulative springs to mind too. His words and actions don’t match.

You say you ended previous dating/situationships because something was missing. Something’s clearly missing for you here too. My advice is to end it now (it’s only been 8 weeks) and find someone who puts in equal effort into the kind of relationship you are looking for.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/04/2022 23:10

While you're wasting time flashing your legs and arse at a sleeping boyfriend, somebody who's a better fit for you is out there. Stop settling.

Opentooffers · 13/04/2022 23:22

8 weeks in and he's declaring that he doesn't know what he'd do without you? Run like the wind, that is emotional blackmail, you are not responsible for his happiness. Making comments about other women is quite crass also. It's too much too soon emotionally, whereas physically it's going nowhere, but he's gaslighting about the reason. Its just time to move on, you are not responsible for him.

spotcheck · 13/04/2022 23:27

he has made homophobic comments on a couple of occasions
Enough said

HollowTalk · 13/04/2022 23:39

You can do so much better than this. He doesn't sound like a nice guy and I'm not sure why you'd want to have sex with him anyway really!

Musttryharder2021 · 14/04/2022 01:44

Why have you had so many relationships in such a short amount of time? You sound quite desperate

TibetanTerrah · 14/04/2022 01:49

@Musttryharder2021

Why have you had so many relationships in such a short amount of time? You sound quite desperate

She hasn't. She's dating.

Pegasussnail · 14/04/2022 01:52

He's possibly covering up his sexuality (hence making comments to 'prove' to you he's straight)

Also he's very boring. He twists things. It's not much fun !!!!!

Weatherwax13 · 14/04/2022 01:58

Throw this one back OP. Sounds utterly boring for you. Plus he's playing mind games.

dipdye · 14/04/2022 02:08

God he's boring me and I'm not even there!

Next!

DontStopMeNow7 · 14/04/2022 02:54

Yeah I agree this guy needs to go and asap. As I was reading your post I had this image of a really young guy in his twenties who has sulky emotional problems. He’s being really useless, lazy and boring plus refusing to do anything to show he’s interested in you. Why come over and fall asleep? Instead he’s complaining you don’t do those things for him. That’s a massive red flag. It all sounds like a power play to me. He wants a dynamic where you’re chasing him, texting him, initiating sex (only to potentially reject it). I’ve had this experience more than a couple of times in dating and it’s really bizarre especially as it’s a game that’s unlikely to work.

A couple of years ago I was involved with a male friend who acted a bit like this and I wasted two years trying to figure him out. He made out he was into me (plus he told people that), only to push me away every time we got close to being more than friends. On the couple of occasions when he “allowed” us to kiss, he was really really passive (basically a terrible kisser). One time he finally asked me to stay the night only for him to show no physical interest when we went to bed AND then I discovered he was naked from the waist down. It was the most bizarre, upsetting thing. He then got angry with me for waking him up for snoring and put earphones in to block me out.

I had wondered for ages if he was narcissistic, confused about his sexuality, on the autistic spectrum, if he wanted a mother figure..,

But in fact, some people are simply not nice.

I would not text him but when he asks to see you meet up somewhere in public and break up or better yet do it over the phone.

Monty27 · 14/04/2022 03:00

Good grief the Sleeping Boyfriend.
Next!

DontStopMeNow7 · 14/04/2022 03:03

Also, as you’re clearly dealing with someone problematic, I can tell you from experience you are likely to get a heavy guilt trip with extreme playing-the-victim stuff. It’s a manipulation tactic, is void of sincerity and don’t fall for it.

Lampan · 14/04/2022 06:53

Why even bother? You haven’t even said that you like him. Does he have any good points?
It’s only been 8 weeks. End it, it’s not going to get better than this.

gonnascreamsoon · 14/04/2022 07:01

At only 8 weeks into the 'relationship', you should be dying to tear each others clothes off and NEVER want to fall asleep watching the telly ffs !

At this early stage, it should be all butterflies in the stomach and BEST behaviour from you both ! If this IS his 'best behaviour', then you've only got worse to come !

Dump him pronto and get back to dating, cos he's NOT a 'keeper' hon, he's a selfish, egotistical, manipulating prick !

mrsbitaly · 14/04/2022 07:21

Maybe it's as simple as he is not confident in initiating sex and is waiting for you to do it. Hence him saying the day after he was horny ect.

GreyCarpet · 14/04/2022 10:24

Not saying this is this man but an increasing number of men, esp in the early days, prefer to wait for a woman to make make first move so that they aren't seen as 'pestering'.

He is letting you know jes up for it and spmpossibly waiting to see if you'll make a move instead.

However, he doesn't sound like someone you'd want to pursue a relationship with anyway...

Rememberitwell · 14/04/2022 12:13

He’s not making much of an effort is he? Turning up at yours and falling asleep for the evening?

thestraitofillinois · 14/04/2022 12:29

What comments does he make about ladies on the television?

He's avoiding having sex, whilst saying that he wants to have sex?! Could he have an STD or ED issue he's worrying about?

Mermaidwaves · 14/04/2022 12:30

Urggh he sounds very unappealing! I agree with a PP saying it's a power play, he wants you to do the chasing and make him feel wanted but he will be passive and let you do all the hard work, forget that! This will ruin your confidence and have you questioning everything. You want a man who's going to make you feel desirable, sexy, take you out, have fun, not fall asleep! Its 8 weeks in, imagine another years time? Let him sleep and find another man.

Watchkeys · 14/04/2022 15:08

You don't have to pick apart his behaviour or your behaviour. You don't have t work out who's right or wrong or oversensitive or under performing.

He’s told me a few times he don’t know what he’d do if I left him

You don't have to be responsible for 'what someone else might do'.

All you have to do is this: Work out if you like the way you feel when you're in a relationship with him.

Like it? Stay.
Dislike it? Leave.

That's it.

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