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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Give ex the new address?

43 replies

Jumpking · 13/04/2022 21:46

Things between my ex and I are acrimonious.

I'm moving to my forever home next month and I want him nowhere near it. He will insist he must have the address, as he has every right to know where his children (age 17 & 15) are living.

17 yr old is happy to meet him/be dropped off at a local bus stop for his twice weekly visits. 15yr old has only seen him twice since August. Both understand my reasons for not giving him the address, as they've seen my visceral reaction to his head leaning into my home.

I don't want ex at my front door peering in my
new home, nor parking on my drive, or strutting on my path, as he has been when collecting the 17 yr old from the rental we've been living in, since he kicked the 3 of us out of the family home.

Does he need to know where his children are living? He insisted he did with this rental, and I really wish I'd never told him.

OP posts:

CuteOrangeElephant · 05/05/2022 20:55

My dad tried this and managed to get my mother's address by stealth.

It was a control thing and let's just say, hasn't improved the relationship he has with his children.

XmasElf10 · 05/05/2022 21:28

Another vote for “ok” here and then leaving him to it. IF he takes you to court and IF a judge orders you to tell him then you can tell him… until then ignore him. The worst that can happen is you show up at court and a judge says you have to disclose. In the intervening time you’ll get privacy and he can have the stress of sorting the court stuff out.

altmember · 05/05/2022 21:48

If he's a problem, get a restraining order against him (but he'll have to be told where you live to be able to avoid it). If he's not that much of a problem just give him the address.

What if he moved house and refused to tell you where to? Would you be happy with the kids going off with him if you had no idea where? And it makes things difficult for the kids, being stuck in the middle as pawns.

I know a couple where one ex partner refused to divulge their new address. They'd meet in petrol station every weekend to swap the kids over, which probably felt (and looked) like a hostage exchange. After a while the other parent found out the address - when the relocated parent's solicitor forgot to redact it on some legal correspondence. The other parent had to carry on pretending they didn't know the address, and they still kept swapping the kids in a petrol station.

Ultimately it's just a control thing - knowledge is power. Not telling him the address is a way of being controlling. But by hook or by crook, he'll find out eventually, and then he'll have the upper hand - he'll have the satisfaction of knowing, whilst letting you continue to think he doesn't.

Original poster

Jumpking · 05/05/2022 22:07

Thanks all.

I think my reply will be something like

Ok. Do what you want. I expected you to find out my address at some point in the future.

When you do, please keep far away from the property, else I shall be taking out that NMO the police advised me to get, but which you forced my hand in stopping last year.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 22:58

Jumpking · 05/05/2022 22:07

Thanks all.

I think my reply will be something like

Ok. Do what you want. I expected you to find out my address at some point in the future.

When you do, please keep far away from the property, else I shall be taking out that NMO the police advised me to get, but which you forced my hand in stopping last year.

Don't buy into his competition. He will do what he wants anyway.

You're trying to get one up on him, here. 'You invoke the law? I can invoke the law too.'

Drop it. Silence is dignity. You don't have to engage. He can call the police, he can take you to court, he can hire a helicopter and get it to ballet dance over your house. You don't give a shit, because you're better than it all.

Don't respond. Let him wonder if you...perhaps...don't give a crap about his threats. Let him wonder if he actually is going to have to take you to court, just to find out the address of his kids, whose phone numbers he already has. Let him wonder if it's worth his money. Does he like to spend lots of money on his family, generally? How much cash will he be willing to part with for this particular goal?

Be silent. Don't engage in competition. Just quietly wait and see what sort of a tit he wants to show himself to be next.

Marty13 · 05/05/2022 23:10

Yeah I've dealt with this kind of bluff before. I don't think you have anything to gain by replying. Ignore, in fact I'd be tempted to block his number - kids are old enough to make whatever arrangements they want directly with him.

Original poster

Jumpking · 14/05/2022 14:03

Update:

Ignored his email. Recieved another today telling me he wasn't surprised I'd ignored him and that he'll be instructing a solicitor in the coming weeks to legally find out where his children are.

What this actually means is that he's going to do nothing, as he always put off everything when we were married until I got it sorted.

Desperate to ask if he's needing to begin a flurry of letter writing to them, as they ignore his texts. But I won't.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2022 14:25

Think I'd just block him. There's really no need for him to talk to you at all anymore. Unless the 15 year old gets injured or something.

It's not like you can even co parent with someone like that in cases of say, the child being suspended from school. Would be a waste of breath if the ex is such a prick.

Just block him. If the kids tell him then they tell him but id have no further contact with him.

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2022 14:28

How would his solicitors find out where you live anyway xD They aren't private investigators lol. And if they do and then tell him then that's between him and them. And if he shows up on your property in future just tell him in writing that if he comes near you or your home again you'll call the police. Two can play the legal game.

frazzledasarock · 14/05/2022 18:19

Oh please how will his solicitors contact you?

if they email, I’d respond he has direct contact with the children and does not need to contact you, and if he does he can contact you the same way they have ie by email very likely.

I’d continue to ignore him. He has contact with your children. That’s all that is required.

Original poster

Jumpking · 17/06/2022 17:46

Well, today a birthday card has arrived for DD from ex MIL addressed to the house.

So ex has found out the address without court. Kids are adamant they've not told him.

Meaning he's probably snooped around the estate looking for my car several nights. Worked out where we live from that.

What a sad sad prick.

OP posts:

kgov1 · 17/06/2022 18:56

Just don't acknowledge the card and pretend a neighbour worked out who you were and handed it over. Play a few mind games with him and keep him guessing, he sounds awful.

MzHz · 17/06/2022 19:01

All texts from him, reply with a 👍🏻

or just block him. There is nothing he needs to arrange with you.

MadMadMadamMim · 17/06/2022 19:03

I'd get DD to ignore the card entirely. He'll never be quite sure if it arrived or not. If MIL rings DD about it she can perhaps say innocently How could you have sent me a card? You don't have our address. If MIL says she does I'd get DD to say Oh no. That's not correct. Who gave you that?

Original poster

Jumpking · 17/06/2022 19:33

MadMadMadamMim · 17/06/2022 19:03

As horrid as he is, I won't involve DD in this.

@MzHz - I blocked his number over a year ago. He is only unblocked on one email account in case he actually has anything useful to say of benefit to the kids.

He hates being ignored, so this lack of response by me will be annoying him to the hilt.

OP posts:

MzHz · 17/06/2022 19:50

My oh did the same with his ex. She’s blocked on everything except email and 99.9% of the time he ignores her.

we didn’t want her having our address Either.

someone fucking gave it to her.

but you are right, that is what Non mols are for. If he gives you any trouble, just do it. You don’t need his permission

HogDogKetchup · 17/06/2022 19:53

Snowpatrolling · 05/05/2022 17:49

I’m going through this at the moment, he legally has a right to know where his children reside, if he wants the address he’ll have to take you to court to force you to give it.

He’ll have to spend a load of money to get that far though!

Original poster

Jumpking · 05/07/2022 20:21

Further update:
He pulled onto my drive 3 times dropping our son off. Talking loudly to DS every time.

I rang my solicitor for advice. She made it clear that because of the ages of the children, and the lack of desire DD has to see him, that no judge in the land would give him the address. She advised not wasting money on an NMO, but to ring the police and explain his continued intimidating behaviour, including the underhanded, snooping way he must have got the address rather than using the legal process he said he would. Ask the police to contact him to tell him to back off.

So I did that. The police said there is no law he could invoke to get the address of children their ages. They agreed he was showing intimidating behaviour. They told me they were putting a flag on my property, and if I needed to 999 as he'd set foot on my property again, they'd know to come quickly.

They rang ex today and told him to stay away. Apparently he said that he had no intention of coming near the property again. Hopefully he'll listen to the police and there finally will be an end to it.

Posting in case anyone goes through a similar situation. A policeman has been clear that teens of a reasonable age with independent contact with the absent parent do not need to have their address disclosed to the absent parent.

OP posts:

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