DD refusing to go to her dad's

[Nomad916]

DD10 gets so anxious and wound up every other w/end when it's time to go to her dad's. We divorced 5yrs ago and it's always been the case. I think she's treated well, but not really fond of her dad's partner & her dad isn't great with emotions.

No other DCs involved. It's just so stressful to see her so upset. Her dad says I'm manipulating her (I look forward the break!) and refuses to listen to her concerns. She doesn't feel comfortable telling him that she doesn't want to go/wants to go for a shorter time, so she doesn't say anything to him & is generally timid.

I would happily have her full time and not ask for increased CMS. I really want her to have a relationship with her dad, but not at the expense of causing her any trauma.

I suggested seeing a family therapist, but her dad said no way would he attend that, and that He would suggest that I need therapy!

DD & I are very close & from what she tells me, she finds her dad "dismissive" and the partner "mocking". I mentioned this to her dad & he said it's BS & then starts accusing me of unrelated things.

Not sure what the best way forward is. DD & I do to family therapy without him?

My DD (10) has had periods like this with her dad - unsure about his partner, and dad is not emotionally safe to be around for her (as in doesn’t acknowledge things might be anything but fabulous and perfect and happy happy happy).

What I found most effective is to be “the safe place” and subtly help her understand that. I stopped trying to make it all better for her at her dad’s house and told her so (in very simple terms). There was a definite shift - she no longer had the expectation that I could make it all better, and over time that seemed to settle things. Also, if she didn’t want to go, I did that bit for her and just said to her dad she’s not going.

Control what you can control and save your energy for your daughter - honestly it will help the situation. Disengage from her dad, only talk about the weather and logistics (I did this for years) and don’t let him have the emotional “in”. You may want your DD to have a good relationship with her dad but it’s not happening is it, and you can’t make it happen.

I was In your position about a year ago....my daughter (now 11) didn't want to go to her dad's anymore, told me she never did anything there she had to stay in her room all day and dad's new wife was mean to her.
And the same, I was always accused of being the one manipulating her into not going.

So one weekend when it was his pick up time I said to my daughter if you really don't want to go your Dad needs to hear it from you, so that's what happened he came to pick the kids up and I told him to come in so he and DD could talk, I left them to it and he left with just our youngest. My daughter as never gonna back and she is alot happier....I'm going through the same thing now with our son, same dad...he doesn't particularly want to go because he gets shoved in his room not allowed to leave and they just don't do anything once he's there, they never go out to the park or anything. So I did the same, I said to DS if you don't want to go tell him yourself, so he did and he hasent been since.

I advised their dad to just come and take em out for tea or go to the park for an hour and bring them back, just to build up a relationship with them again but he won't. It's either they spend the whole weekend at his or they don't see him at all. He doesn't call, text or anything to ask about them, I've not heard from him since before Christmas, nothing!

But that would be my suggestion to you, I'd let your daughter know it's best she tells dad herself she doesn't want to go and suggest to him maybe to take her to the park for abit then take her back home to you....just build up a relationship again. Gl xx

Thank you both 🤗 Just hard to think clearly when in the middle of high emotion from DD & exH (&me!)