"The Script"

[Allthecheeseplease]

I see a lot of people talking about "The Script" and Chump lady. I was wondering what people think about "the script"? Why is it that so many men say the same things when they are leaving a a marriage? Is there some hive mentality? Because obviously "the script" isn't really a script. They don't get sent a PDF of what to say. Why is it, do you think, that so many of them say the same thing, almost verbatim?

I suppose because people with no integrity will pick an easy life over the right thing.

Why leave before you have to.
Why admit more than you have do. That would narrow your options. You want to be the one with the options.

It's probably like chess. You move a piece and then they do and then you do and then they look at all the available options and think what move would either a. Do you the most damage or b. Help them protect their kind the best.

And ultimately it gets to the point where there are only so many moves they can make.

And their king is always the same thing - their ego. They desperately want to look like the good guy, the triumphant one, the winner.

*their king not kind

There is a question about it on Chump Lady's site but I just think some of the response is a bit strange to be honest. I get the part about "only so many ways to manipulate" but when the person asking the question asked "What broke them as children" the respondent passes it off, with no answer and basically don't go looking for one. It's not helpful and frankly condescending at best and thinly veiled ignorance at worst. I suppose I've seen a lot of posts over the last few weeks from both perspective (there have been a few posts asking why did you cheat.....and also, as always sadly, lots of people who were cheated on) I just wonder if maybe there IS something in common. Not everyone has narcissistic personality disorder so why the same script, where does it come from. I don't think anyone will be able ot answer me! It's just something I've been wondering about

Do you think it's helpful to try to work out what broke them? If so, why? Is there no better way to spend your time than doing this? If not, why aren't you making it so that there is a better way to spend your time?

We all follow a script. There's a polite/nice person script, just as much as there's a 'manipulative' script.

Yes focus on your own wounds. The wound of accepting bullshit is one i had to work on!

I think it's just how peoples brain works with defence mechanisms etc.

Most people would have heard certain phrases a lot and they come to mind when someone pushes for answers. "I love you but i'm not in love with you* for example.

Everyone has heard that multiple times on tv, movies, in books etc even if they have never had it said to them.

It's not like cheaters universally come out with really random phrases that make no sense, they say things that perfectly fit in with the context of what they are trying to do.

Yes that is a perfect keeping-options-open phrase.
Person who says that could leave for a while "to think" (or cheat) and then come back. Or not, if they ease themselves out of the relationship gradually on their terms.

I don’t know completely, I think as a previous poster said some things are ingrained because we always see them on TV or read about them.

But I’ve wondered this about Narcissists. They seem to say and do very similar things like they get given a book on how to behave or how to break someone. Like divide and conquer. Lie, deflect, project. There are very similar ways that they behave time and time again.

@Watchkeys

Do you think it's helpful to try to work out what broke them? If so, why? Is there no better way to spend your time than doing this? If not, why aren't you making it so that there is a better way to spend your time?

We all follow a script. There's a polite/nice person script, just as much as there's a 'manipulative' script.

To answer your first part, one of the reasons may be to avoid such a person in the future. If you know what the red flags are to watch out for then it might be easier to spot (also maybe not) In a lot of posts this seemsto come out of the blue, it's not the same as a pattern of abuse so it just might be interesting to see what is it that brings this on in people.

I don't believe we all follow a script, I believe some people do though and there are scripts in life that people feel under pressure to follow such as "nice person" scripts. I think this leads to a lot of boundary issues though, following a script instead of being honest and open.

@Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree
Narcissists brains are wired differently.

People are easy to break. I mean think about it....what could you say or do to right now to a friend/partner/parent etc. that would hurt them if you wanted to?

Now obviously most of us don't think like that and don't want to hurt people to make ourselves feel good, but people with NPD need to feel that powerful, they always have an agenda, so they just do the things that they know gives them that power. The rest of us wouldn't want to do things like that because we are not narcs and don't have the same stunted needs that they do.

@Allthecheeseplease
There are all sorts of different reasons why people cheat. Some peoples issues probably started in childhood, some didn't.

You might find this interesting, the dopamine and vasopressin ones are particularly interesting to me!

metro.co.uk/2015/10/31/heres-why-once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-is-probably-true-according-to-science-5473289/

To answer your first part, one of the reasons may be to avoid such a person in the future. If you know what the red flags are to watch out for then it might be easier to spot (also maybe not) In a lot of posts this seemsto come out of the blue, it's not the same as a pattern of abuse so it just might be interesting to see what is it that brings this on in people

But you can't spend your time learning how to boil people down to 'types'. A red flag is a behaviour that breaks the deal. It's better to spend your time making sure you know what your boundaries are and making sure you know how to say no/walk away. Then it doesn't matter if it's a pattern of behaviour or a one off. You're gone at the first whiff of trouble. Very few people suddenly turn nasty; the issue is more that people pass off others' bad behaviour, and make excuses for them. That's the pattern we need to watch out for, in ourselves, rather than working out the other person's history, which may or may not have a bearing on today.

I don't believe we all follow a script

We are all taught to, and humans are pack animals; if you don't follow the script, you are ostracised. Otherwise there'd be no point in psychopaths/narcissists wearing a mask. The mask is what we expect from people. If you don't think we all have a script, it's so engrained in you that you can't see it. But if someone says 'I love you' and sounds genuine, you'll feel more likely to say/feel it back, to some degree. Abusers will feel that it's more likely that they can use/manipulate you. Different scripts, but both scripts nonetheless.