I feel guilty for being upset, so I cant talk to my partner.

[Amx2022]

Hello everyone,

Never been on a site like this before so not sure the correct way of doing things, But I am in desperate need of just someone to listen to really.

I am 36 years old I have been with my fiancée for 6 years and we have been trying for a baby for the last 6 months, we have an amazing relationship never any problems, we are very much in love.

Before I met him he had a brief relationship with someone it was a kind of friends with benefits situation, it lasted roughly 6 months, the lady in question found out she was pregnant around 3 months after they had stopped seeing each other, she told him it wasn't his baby and by this time she was in a new relationship and stated the baby was her new partners, my partner thought no more of it, he does have the screen shots of her saying this to him.

So I have been with my partner 6 years and the child in question is now 11 years old, so that gives an idea of the time scale, 4 weeks ago my partner had a message from this woman saying that the child now 11 years old wanted to meet his dad and that he is in fact his father and she was sorry for lying.

This caused massive upset, we of course went for a DNA straight away which was agreed by the mother, this has now come back and has confirmed with 99.9% probability that my partner is this Childs dad.

He is very upset obviously, and we have talked at length about all of this and what it means for us, he wants to try and build a bond with his child and they have arranged to meet up next weekend at the park for an hour with the Childs mother present of course, I have told my partner I support him 100% and will of course welcome this child with open arms if it comes to that. I am not going to the meet up as that's for him to do and I will stay out of it until such time that is right for me to meet him.

I have been putting on a very brave face, I am absolutely heartbroken, not with my partner as its not his fault, its not the Childs fault, I guess its nobody's fault they were both adults and should have been more careful and she shouldn't have lied.

I just feel so strange about it, I feel like I am now going to loose him, and I'm going to be pushed out, and he now has this ready made family with someone else, We haven't had sex since all this happened so our baby plans are on hold, I feel so so selfish for feeling this was, but I have just been crying all the time.

I don't even know the response I am after, but just feels good getting it off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

Why do you think you're going to lose him? To the child's mother? I highly doubt that will happen.

I think your feelings are completely understandable.

Ah that’s very very hard on you. And him.
Honestly I’d tell him how you feel. Go for a long walk together (I find walking the best way of talking out problems). You need to communicate now or things will fester. It’s not at all wrong to be upset but trying to keep it to yourself will create tension and division.
You both sound lovely and I wish you all the best

I think it’s natural to feel upset. However because he wants to meet this child and have a relationship, I’d have much more respect for him than a man that turns his back.

He sounds like a good man. Talk to him about your feelings. Trying to get pregnant is hard anyway, now you’ve been shown that’s he’s succeeded elsewhere, but not with you. That’s going to hurt (even if not medically logical). Your feeling are valid.

Focus on the good stuff, welcome the child and try and be positive. Hard, but not impossible.

I completely understand why you feel this way - it must have come as a huge shock to you both.

It changes the relationship dynamic - as he is already a father. Assuming all goes well with meeting his son then he will become a big part of his life (and by default yours too).

I think you need to give yourself time to figure out if you wish to proceed with the relationship or not. That may sound harsh - but the reality is things will never be the same.

Shit. I’d feel exactly the same as you, especially as you’re at the stage of wanting to be a mum yourself and have been waiting for it to happen. I really feel for you, sorry.