What is this behaviour?

[BreakinbadBreakineven]

I am in the process of leaving my partner. For years I've believed how he behaves towards me is my fault (he tells me this often) and feel guilt for how he treats me. I feel like he is trying to control my feelings, and has some really effective ways of shutting me down/up. Example being last night he was going to go to football, I have covid and am really unwell, dizzy etc. I asked him to stay and help bath DD then go for the second half. After some 'discussion' involving me describing how poorly I felt, and him trying to get me to back down, he informed me that I was being a fucking drama queen and I'm not even ill, and therefore he can go out and I can just get on with it. I reiterated that I am genuinely very unwell, he told me he disagreed. This morning he has been sneering at me that he was right, I'm just putting it on, and he was right to have gone out. I have no idea what he's basing this on. How can he just decide how I feel? He does this a lot when I express feelings he doesn't like, he'll just tell me I don't feel like that then totally confuse me by ranting that I'm vile and I say disgusting things and I fake stuff to get sympathy. Often comments that are totally unrelated to what I've tried to talk about. I know deep down that I don't but I can't help absorbing the mindset that I am somehow faking how I feel. For example this morning when I thought to myself god I feel dreadful a little voice said no you don't, you're just being manipulative and horrible. I feel like if I show how ill I feel he'll use that as proof I'm putting it on, so I'm doing my best to hide it. He also blames me for absolutely everything. He's sworn at me? I shouldn't have wound him up. He wont comfort me when I'm upset? I should have asked him in a different/better way. Baby won't nap for him? My fault for 'winding her up' beforehand. I just feel like a punching bag for him. I am trying to get away from him but will I ever shake the feeling that I'm somehow inherently awful?
Sorry its so long.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by leaving. I suspect you will feel a lot more confident in time once you aren't being told how to feel and treated like dirt. Remember you can't change how he behaves, only how you react to it.

I'm so glad you're in the process of leaving him. The fact he's trying to get you to deny something you know is true (being ill) is textbook gaslighting.

It's easier for him to deny and manipulate your feelings than for him to own his own shitty actions.

Just calm down.
Leaving him sounds like a good idea. But wait until you're over covid, feeling strong and well and able to plan your exit.
Don't tell him yet; that will only invite more drama and accusations.

He sounds horrible. I'd leave as soon as possible.

Life will be much more pleasant without this nasty wanker in it.

I just feel like I have to constantly justify and defend myself, like hes always got me on the back foot. Its so tiring. I'll start a conversation about him maybe clearing up after making his lunch and before I know it I'm defending the one time 6 months ago when I didnt do that myself. And we haven't addressed him clearing up, conveniently. I can go to my mums 200 miles away for a couple of weeks but inevitably I'll have to come back at least whilst we sell the house and so on, and that really scares me. He tends to up the ante if he thinks I'm actually leaving for good.

Make your plans slowly I’m doing the same decluttering very tiny bits it’s hard but it’s getting there. So glad your leaving. Well done.hugs handhold.

This is typically narcissistic behaviour from your partner. He's trying yo gaslight you I to believing you aren't feeling the feelings you clearly are which causes you to doubt yourself. And he is displaying a total lack of empathy towards you because it interferes with what he wants to do ie leave you to it even though you are ill. It makes him easier to justify his crappy behaviour and these types always need to blame someone else to maintain the false image they have of themselves as the 'good' person.

Well done for getting out of this relationship.

The Lundy Bancroft book is a good resource for understanding this behaviour. Understanding what he's doing will help you to see this nonsense for what it is. Also Womensaid may be able to give you support to leave this man. Hopefully you have some friends to help too.

Would you be able to stay with your mum for a while and would you be happy to move near to her? If so I'd go "for a visit" and wouldn't have any intention of returning.

Its abuse and gaslighting.

My mum has a really small house and has problems sleeping, I just feel like it would do her in after a while although I'm sure she would let me. I have lots of lovely friends which is fortunate. We moved away because of the cost of living where we're from, we aren't high earners and I don't think I could even afford rent back home on my own. Also I think he will try for 50/50 which worries me because he's always had me to step in when he's getting frustrated with her and I'm not certain he'll manage without me to use as a punch bag. I was wondering if hes narcissistic. Hes quite rude and arrogant, thinks nothing of speaking to people abruptly and people at his work have told me they find him intimidating.

I feel so sad I chose him to have a child with him as well, he was vile to me in pregnancy and after birth, made no allowances for me, I had to treat him exactly as he felt he deserved, no snapping or crying, and now DD is a toddler I feel like I can't concentrate on her like I want to because I feel so stressed and anxious all the time.

reminds me of my exdh

I had an awful chest infection and felt terrible - I was due in work for one last 6pm to 2am shift and then had 9 days booked holiday, so I didn't want to call in sick so close to a decent amount of paid time off I could use to recover.

I did however want a nap at 2pm before my shift. He burst into the bedroom telling me I was faking it to get out of work and blah blah. Didn't listen when I said I was still bloody going in! There was such venom and spite in his face, I knew then for sure I'd be leaving soon as I could.

It took me another year after that to leave him, but that incident in particular is why I went after every penny I could in the divorce rather than going a bit easier on him (that was not the only bad incident but I remember it being the memory that most pushed me on and out that door)

I now have a wonderful and kind dp who would actively look after and look out for me if I was ill and more besides. Don't put up with this shit, you deserve so, so much more

@DrBrennerFan for you, we can make it!

@Lubeyboobyalt I know what you mean, the contempt he has for me is really upsetting, I can't fathom how someone can be so cruel. I used to have awful anxiety (that started shortly after we met thinking about it) and he would tell me I was mental all the time, I'd reach out for comfort or someone to talk to about it and he'd just tell me to pack it in and I always have to have a problem. Even if he did change his behaviour which I know he won't, I don't think I could ever forget the total disregard he's shown me over the years.

Dont overthink this.
You are right to leave. Who would behave as he has - going out when you have Covid.
Confidence here is the key and illness doesn't help that.
Tell him you are leaving and go. It looks like a big bad world out there but he is part of the problem and NOT part of any solution you would want.

Geez wow. What a nasty piece of work. And he's been like this throughout pregnancy, the newborn and baby stages....what'n earth goes through people's heads that motivates them to behave so disgracefully, anti-socially even.

I hope after leaving him you find another partner who's actually a decent person, and can concentrate properly on your daughter.

I'm so glad you started your thread the way you did, Breakinbad. I strongly recommend you contact Women's Aid - they will not rush you into leaving him but will support you and most importantly advise you how to keep yourself and your little one safe. It doesn't sound like he's going to take it lying down.

They will also be able to talk you through his behaviour and help you process what he has put you through. He is a very weak 'man'.

Meantime, I suggest you start to grey rock him so that you don't have to keep going through the clearing up after lunch episodes (but do be careful that he doesn't notice too much of a change in your behaviour which will be a warning sign to him).

Thank you everyone, it really helps to hear I'm not being totally unreasonable in thinking this is abusive.

Don't tell him you know, Breakinbad. The only difference that would make is that he would be worse.

Your DH is a classic coercive controller OP.
Please get some advice from womens aid about how to leave safely. Everything you have said above tells me you need to get out for your sake and your DC's. He may go after 50/50 initially but he probably won't stick to it for long because it will cramp his style. In the meantime talk to your doctors about some counselling and maybe something for your anxiety to get you through this awful time. There are loads of women in the same position as you on here or have been before. You will get the support you need

@Sprucewillis its only recently I've realised he is controlling , I never thought so before because he isnt jealous, doesn't care where I go and who with etc. But I've now realised that he kind of tries to control my mind and subsequent behaviour so his life is easier and punishes anything I express that he doesn't like by shouting and swearing and making me feel like an awful person. Its such a headfuck.

Well done OP for making moves to leave this abusive arsehole.

Your head will straighten, given time x

Bless you @breakingbad we certainly can he’s all right at the moment but it won’t last there will be other things to moan at snap at etc. he’s got weed smokes so he’s happy at the moment.

its only recently I've realised he is controlling , I never thought so before because he isnt jealous, doesn't care where I go and who with etc

When my WA support worker said he had been controlling me I said "But he doesn't stop me going out" and she said "But does he try and put you off the people you are seeing?" - lightbulb moment, he absolutely did.

And if I did something that offended his fragile ego I would be punished, usually much later.

It really is a headfuck. Clarity comes with being away from them.

Ring Women's aid for support.

He is very abusive.

Firm up your plans and get out as soon as you can.

Stop wasting your time and energy trying to understand him.

He is abusive scum.

Just get out.