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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I just over thinking this

21 replies

Ems92xx · 13/04/2022 13:34

Just came to rant as this has been really upsetting me

So me Dh and 3 babies have moved to our new dream home and I have been decorating as other half has been busy with work that he’s made no time other then just paint

Recently I’ve been picking up few bits here and there for the house i.e rugs, accessories for bathroom,kitchen bedrooms

All from my own money btw and just feel so hurt that he never notices and even when I said is it nice he just shows bluntness or ‘that’s alright’ I feel like he doesn’t appreciate what I bring for our home .

I get super happy making our house into a home.

We have been having a rocky relationship but that’s down to him , working constantly at silly hours etc or spending to much time with friends . I’ve decided to give it a change to let him change his ways as he has promised but the bluntness to everything makes me so unappreciated.

Advice appreciated maybe I could be just over thinking the situation as I want him to be as happy as I an making our home

OP posts:

Original poster

Ems92xx · 13/04/2022 15:38

OP posts:

AbiSarcasmLoading · 13/04/2022 15:46

hi - it may be that he's just not into that sort of stuff and struggles to muster enthusiasm for it. But you're alluding to potentially broader relationship issues, so might be all wrapped up in that. In theory a relationship problem is never 100% one person's fault, but honestly I'm not convinced by that theory. I guess all you can do is explain how it makes you feel when he's dismissive about the effort you put in. He doesn't have to love it all but he should be respectful. Good luck.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/04/2022 15:49

The not gushing over your purchases I think is a non-issue: I know very few men who really care much about home accessories in the first place; and secondly, you’ve bought things to your own taste without offering him any choice, so it’s a bit unreasonable to want him to pretend he loves them. “It’s alright” is probably how he feels.

The bigger issue is your rocky relationship and him seemingly not wanting to spend time with his family. Is he as on board with keeping on trying to save the relationship as you are? Have you considered relationship counselling to work out where you both are?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2022 15:54

You expecting him to get excited about tat you buy for the house is really unreasonable. Loads of people, men in particular, couldn't care less about all that stuff. It sounds as though he's knackered and is more concerned with paying for your home than "making" it.

decentchap · 13/04/2022 15:56

Prepare yourself as these are the classic symptoms of someone who is seeing someone else. He should be more enthusiastic.
Why expect you are at fault in any way?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2022 15:57

@decentchap

Prepare yourself as these are the classic symptoms of someone who is seeing someone else. He should be more enthusiastic. Why expect you are at fault in any way?

🙄

Don't be ridiculous.

Original poster

Ems92xx · 13/04/2022 15:57

I think it’s more to do with if I don’t get things for the house the house will stay a house and never be a home because he hasn’t got any interest even with simple decorating he shows no interest including diy which I end up doing myself.

Yes we have spoken regarding the issues he makes effort for a while then back to square one. I have noticed the pattern

OP posts:

Original poster

Ems92xx · 13/04/2022 16:00

Who said he’s paying ? I am equally whilst the burden of building a home and being there full time for the kids @Aquamarine1029

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 13/04/2022 16:03

Yes we have spoken regarding the issues he makes effort for a while then back to square one. I have noticed the pattern
It works for him, why would he change.

Apart from going seeing his friends, what does interest him? Do you think he enjoys being part of a family?

Original poster

Ems92xx · 13/04/2022 16:06

I do feel like he enjoys it but thinks his entitled to free time aswel as he works hard . That I understand everyone’s allowed time apart but not when it’s just them and I can’t.

I love my family dearly but it does end up making me thinking I am expected to do everything

OP posts:

TibetanTerrah · 13/04/2022 16:11

@decentchap

Prepare yourself as these are the classic symptoms of someone who is seeing someone else. He should be more enthusiastic. Why expect you are at fault in any way?

I really don't "do" interior design or decorating. I rarely have a strong reaction to that stuff either way, unless it was particularly hideous.

Id rather my partner who took more joy in it get stuff they love, but I won't care that much what it is, and woe betide you if you give me a choice between two rugs or whatever, I really won't care and you'll get offended.

Some people just don't take an interest in that stuff.

Original poster

Ems92xx · 13/04/2022 16:12

Thank you I understand, it’s made me feel better to think that way maybe some men dont take much interest in that stuff @TibetanTerrah

OP posts:

NorthernSoul55 · 13/04/2022 16:26

@Ems92xx

Yes we have spoken regarding the issues he makes effort for a while then back to square one. I have noticed the pattern

This is me and my OH. No interest at all in decorating. He will do DIY if pushed but I'm better at it and enjoy it. My best present recently was a cordless drill/driver. He wouldn't notice or care what I did. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Orgasmagorical · 13/04/2022 16:28

I do feel like he enjoys it but thinks his entitled to free time aswel as he works hard.

And you don't work hard looking after three children?? What free time do you get?

MarriedThreeChildren · 13/04/2022 16:35

Well for me I’d say it depends.

Is it just a few accessories there and then that you feel upset about. The i agree with @TibetanTerrah.
Is it bigger stuff like full on decorating, something that changes the whole look and feel of the place? Then I’d expect him to notice because 1- it’s noticeable! And 2- even if he doesn’t care about the look, I’d expect him to show appreciation for the effort you put into making the house a home iyswim.

There is something about feeling taken for granted when all the stuff you do, which might or might not be noticeable but is essential to the smooth running of the house or to make a house comfortable is never noticed or acknowledged.

Fwiw if your DH is like mine, there is no point asking him what he’d like for the house. He has no clue, wouldn’t have a point of view anyway….

frozendaisy · 13/04/2022 17:44

Are you trying to paper over relationship cracks with the new house?

For me it takes time to become a "home".

Have you asked him how he feels about the new house? Just general chit chat about the summer, garden, be good to hang out, get a pool for the kids etc.

If he gushes over a new rug will that make you think ,"he must really love me he likes the rug"

If you feel underappreciated, or your efforts are going unnoticed just stop.

Or try saying "I totally appreciate all your working hours for our new home but I feel like I am decorating it alone and that's not what I want to do. Gush over our new rug for goodness sake"

He's your husband you should be able to say anything to him.

Or try sarcasm, I get more excitement out the kids about painting this room than you. And see what he says.

Treacletoots · 13/04/2022 17:54

Oh dear. He's just not that interested in home decor.

And by the sounds of it, of being a husband and father either. If it really matters to someone they make an effort, and take an interest in the things that are important to them.

You say you're taking equal share in the family by raising the children, but why is that? Did you give up work because he wouldn't pull his weight? Personally I think the worst thing women can do is give up work and rely solely on their partners. So many marriage break ups from people I know we're because the man believed the only important role in the marriage was to earn the money and as a result devalued his wife in his perception when she no longer earned.

I'd never advise anyone ever to give up their job and rely solely on their other half. Times have changed. Wrap around childcare exists, women are only expected to be the sole carer if they allow themselves to be.

AubadeIsIt · 13/04/2022 19:00

Why is he out all the time with friends when he's got three children at home?

Original poster

Ems92xx · 14/04/2022 22:11

I have asked but says it’s only few hours @AubadeIsIt

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 15/04/2022 07:53

@Aquamarine1029

Easy tiger, this isn’t AIBU. Look deeper. It’s a woman whose husband is checking out of family life and it’s distressing her.

GoodSoup · 15/04/2022 08:00

How much free time do you get?

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