Say something to this 'friend' or let it go?

[Junebughustle]

I have a hobby group and we are all friends - some closer than others but we meet outside the hobby, celebrate birthdays together, they even came to my wedding reception this year.

Most of them are intentionally childfree (they don't want them, which I think is a valid choice) but one has been increasingly snide/bitter about people who have children. I'll call her Laura for ease. I don't have children but have been trying, and I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy last week. I hadn't told the group this yet.

The other night Laura posted a tirade against parents of babies and how selfish they are in the group chat, this felt meaner than before and probably stung more as I am still recovering. I suddenly realised that if I did get successfully pregnant, I would feel awkward telling some of the members of this group as they, especially Laura, have made snide comments before. I am reevaluating the whole friendship.

Anyway after the WhatsApp tirade Laura invited us all to an event, and I replied to say I couldn't make it as I had had surgery recently (but not what for). A few people (not Laura) replied with some concern. I left the WhatsApp chat the next morning realising how sad I felt about this friendship and not being accepted for my full self - I am the only one who is married and there have been comments about me being 'conventional', and honestly a lot of my efforts to connect meaningfully have been rebuffed in a way they haven't been in other friendships.

I didn't want to draw attention to my departure but I needed to leave the group. Everybody in the group apart from Laura has been in touch. They still don't know what my surgery was for specifically. It is strange in our relationship for Laura to not have expressed at least a "how are you doing?" message - we get on well, we are kind to each other.

I know this means it's not a friendship I should invest any time into anymore but i am curious about some outside perspectives?

Im sorry for your loss, are you okay?

As you say, everyone’s entitled to their opinions but she seems to come across as very strong minded. Nothing wrong with a rant but she has no idea what people are actually going through.
I’m in two minds about it, part of me just wouldn’t bother with her and would just leave that part of the friendship go.
If you feel comfortable to tell the others then do it when you’re ready. If not then just decide how you want this friendship group to continue.
The other part thinks over time it might get harder for you not to say something to Laura when she keeps speaking out.
It would be a shame for you to lose your group because of this one person.
If she continues her remarks then you could text her and say you appreciate her opinion but you are finding it quite upsetting due to what you are going through and would like her to be mindful of others feelings. She seems like the type of person who expects everyone to agree with her.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks...

I'm not going to guess at what but most people make a decision for themselves and then quietly get on with it.

People who are very vocal about a life choice, situation or circumstance are often trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.

How close are you? Can you speak to her? Is there someone else who can? I had a friend who was exactly the same, she had been cut off by her parents for being childfree and it came out exactly how you describe. I spoke to her away from the group and we sorted it out, she got the help she needed and she’s able to cope with her feelings now and we are all still friends.

Thank you @Hiddenvoice I'm doing OK, and probably going to see if I can get some counselling before the next attempt (terrified the next one will take out my other fallopian tube!)

It really stings that she knows I've had surgery but hasn't said anything and I don't know if I'm reasonable for being stung by that.

I've been feeling for a while that this group isn't as interested in me as I am in them. I'm not sure why as other groups of friends seem to like me as much as I like them, but I know you can't be everybody's favourite cup of tea. This is just the issue that cemented for me that I can't really call these people friends (whereas my actual friends have been sending me messages, flowers, care kits, checking in on me).

I worry that if I sent Laura a message, about this, it would be a bit 'so what?' - I would probably be proving her point that people who are not childfree want to shape the world around children. And added to that, her not even seeing if I'm OK seems to imply she doesn't really care about me - I know that sounds childish but that's how I feel. She is sort of queen bee in the group, so I've lost the group regardless but I decided when I left the group that I'm better off focusing my energy on people who actually want to be friends with me. It doesn't stop it from stinging though and wondering why I seem to be thought so little of...maybe I'm talking myself into sending a text after all

Getting some support is a good idea.
You’ve got a good group of friends around you who care for you. I’d focus on yourself and on them.
Just leave that hobby group be now. Don’t bother sending them a text, you’ve told them you’ve had surgery so I’d leave it at that. Focus on recovering and when you’re ready, find another group to join.
This Laura girl clearly doesn’t care, she probably would sympathise then argue so not point putting yourself through that just now.
You’re better off without them!

Why does what she say bother you so much? Just ignore and move on. You sound you like you have enough going on in your life that he and her opinions won't be missed.

I'd just say something like 'You've made your point :Laura, we know your opinion on children, could you drop it now, please'

@Soul11Soul it wasn't what she said specifically, but just more realising I couldn't see a respectful friendship in place if I ever had kids that upset me.

I think yes, stepping back and staying back is the best thing to do, I don't think I'd ever get a response from her that would help me anyway.

@GreyCarpet

The lady doth protest too much, methinks...

I'm not going to guess at what but most people make a decision for themselves and then quietly get on with it.

People who are very vocal about a life choice, situation or circumstance are often trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.

This pisses me off a bit tbh.

I'm very happily child free, I've never wanted children. It really annoys me that people always assume that this must be either because I can't physically have children or haven't been able to for some other reason so must be bitter and jealous.

I am not rude like this woman, I'm perfectly friendly and polite to friends with children, if not actively interested in their children.

But can we please bloody stop assuming that all women who don't want children are bitter and jealous of those that do?

Sorry you’re going through a hard time OP.

If you’re carrying on with the hobby, then you’re still going to be seeing them and having some kind of friendship with them.

I would give Laura as little of your mental energy as possible, as it sounds like she’s getting under your skin. Do not allow her to live rent-free in your head.

I think it’s wise to take a bit of a step back from the group. It’s nice that the others have contacted you. If you get on better with a couple of the others it might be nicer to chat/have a friendship with them individually rather than everything having to be a full group thing.

I definitely don’t think you should send Laura a message, I don’t see how any good would come of it. She clearly has her own issues and it’s probably best for you to not become entangled in them.

Don't waste your energy thinking about why she's the sort who posts aggressive stuff designed to attack your choices, or why she's not in touch to wish you well after your surgery. Cut her from your life and concentrate on people who are not awful, self absorbed and nasty. Good luck with your next try. Xx

'But can we please bloody stop assuming that all women who don't want children are bitter and jealous of those that do?'

Yes please

OP, she's clearly no friend of yours. She hasnt checked to see how you are doing after your surgery. Feel free to distance yourself from her.

Distance yourself. If you have to keep working hard to keep a friendship, it isnt a friendship after all. And all the time you are wasting time on this one is time away from other more meaningful relationships.

I don't think GreyCarpet was saying that! Being nasty or dismissive about other people's life choices e.g. when you don't even know if that person wants children does seem OTT. I think that was what the OP's issue with this 'friend' was.

Anyway, OP, I'd just back off. Maybe the group isn't much of a fit (it doesn't have to be). This particular person has shown you her colours, you don't have to see her or them and have a more peaceful life.

I knew someone a bit like this. Got married in mid 20s and declared they weren't having children which is fine and is their choice. Some unpleasant things were said in a Facebook post about their "distaste " for children. I politely pointed out than some of those children will be future doctors, nurses, builders, carpenters, binmen etc and they never know when they might need any of the above!!
I then blocked them because I didn't want to read their snotty response

Hi OP. I have a friend a bit like this.

We are both still young, she is a little older than me, and she does pass judgement on married couples and people with kids sometimes.

I think it's because a) deep down she does want those things and it's a way if lashing out out of fear she won't get to have them or b) she doesn't want those things and thinks she needs to be vocally hardline about it to solidify her decision. Sometimes us single people feel like it all gets rammed down out throats.

For me...I'm so far single and fine with it. Fine to be single for now, happy for others peoples happiness.

I'd try to remember this isn't about you, it's about her. If it continues I'd have a gentle word and explain how it is making you feel.

@Mooshering that's not what she said at all. She said people who are very vocal about a choice they've made/criticism of those who choose differently are often insecure about themselves and/or situation. I've found this to be almost universally true.

I speak as another child free woman. I'm sorry you've come in for a lot of implied criticism about not having children, but I think you jumped on grey appetite a bit unfairly.

@Junebughustle I'm so sorry about your ectopic pregnancy Laura is not your friend and leaving the chat was the right thing to do. It's sad but important when we identify when friendships are not going to work out either in the long term or be close. But better to learn it now than later.

Concentrate on those who are friends.