How do you know..?

[SpiderInAGlass]

How do you know if you're self sabotaging or doing the right thing for you?

I am asking for a specific reason but I just wondered, without boring people with the details, if there's a way of knowing?

In terms of regret, I've only ever once regretted a decision, although other people have told me I've been self sabotaging. But I do have a tendency to cut people of for, what others consider, fairly minor transgressions.

Or not even transgressions at all when others have said I'm self sabotaging. Just things that make me feel uncomfortable.

Interesting question. Assuming you're about to make a decision which would change your situation in life (?) I would suggest trying to picture your future self in that new situation, then compare it to your future self if you did not make that move?

What would the benefits be? What could be potential problems?

@thestraitofillinois

Interesting question. Assuming you're about to make a decision which would change your situation in life (?) I would suggest trying to picture your future self in that new situation, then compare it to your future self if you did not make that move?

What would the benefits be? What could be potential problems?

That's exactly what I've been trying to do! And exactly what has led me to mumsnet... because its so difficult

If I do nothing, future me might be happy or future me might be carrying the feelings I'm carrying now into the future. The latter is more likely because I've known myself a long time the facts aren't going to change and how I feel about them is unlikely to change. But do the facts mean what I think they do?

If I do something, future me will feel relief initially and then either contentment or terrible sadness.

Follow what you feel. Don't label it. Being exactly who you are and doing exactly what you want will gently re-train you not to self sabotage anyway, because relaxed, self confident people don't self sabotage.

But I do have a tendency to cut people of for, what others consider, fairly minor transgressions.

It may very well be minor for other people but we all react differently to things. You have to do what's best for you and your reactions/emotions.

Honestly though there's always a risk in decision making.

Thank you. I think part of the difficulty in this current situation is that I can't really identify how I feel. I just feel incredibly unsettled and have done for a couple of weeks now.

And I can't tell whether the thoughts I'm having alongside the feeling are sensible, strong, grounded thoughts and I feel unsettled justifiably.

Or whether I'm repeating past, well worn patterns of behaviour and it feels safe and reassuring to do so because it's a familiar move.

I feel confident that taking action would be the correct thing to to but in terms of weighing up life experiences, it would mean that every single one of this nature has been negative.

That can't be right, surely?

I can't really identify how I feel. I just feel incredibly unsettled

Big contradiction here, because you're not used to respecting how you feel.

weighing up life experiences, it would mean that every single one of this nature has been negative

How do you know that taking the other decision would have been so good? Surely if you felt unsettled in those situations too, even an on-paper positive outcome would have felt unsettling?

You're right. I'm not used to respecting how I feel, I don't think.

I try to not be to reactionary and give people/situations another chance, or to be sure my decision is the correct one - so not a knee jerk reaction.

But in doing that, I sit with these negative feelings for longer than I should.

Yes, an on-paper positive outcome would also have felt unsettling because, by then, 'unsettled' would be the default emotion.

I try to not be to reactionary and give people/situations another chance, or to be sure my decision is the correct one - so not a knee jerk reaction

The thing with this is, you can still utterly respect your emotions, without being reactionary. For example, when your husband tells you he slept with another woman, you would feel fury, upset, and disappointment. If you were reactionary, you might cut up all his clothes, throw them out of the window, and put his house keys down a grid. But without changing the emotions at all, and whilst still fully respecting them, you could calmly say to him 'I'm furious with you, I'm very very upset, and I'm disappointed. I need you to move out because you've crossed my boundary, you knew that when you did it, and there's no going back from that.'

The person/situation doesn't need to be 'given another chance'. You respect your initial emotional response. But if you do it the first way, you'd be viewed as reactionary. Second way, you'd be viewed as a very together, boundaried adult.

When you ask if the facts mean what you think they do, I think this might be the reason you're struggling with your decision.

I get where you're coming from though. There's not much we can say is fact when we're talking about a person's motivation or intentions for example.

All we can do in that scenario is make an attempt at inferring the truth by observing a person's actions. Without getting all postmodern, it might be better for you to establish your own truth in this situation (the mumsnet 'trust your gut' which is often great advice).

I have this issue. As in, find it difficult to identify whether my feelings are a genuine intuition or habitual fear.. Have you ever read about emotion wheels? Or emotion tracking? It probably won't help with this immediate situation but its a practise of writing down basic feelings you've had through each day. You can use an emotion wheel to help identify them. Over time it helps you to become more nuanced. Easier to identify why and where they're coming from

@Watchkeys

I try to not be to reactionary and give people/situations another chance, or to be sure my decision is the correct one - so not a knee jerk reaction

The thing with this is, you can still utterly respect your emotions, without being reactionary. For example, when your husband tells you he slept with another woman, you would feel fury, upset, and disappointment. If you were reactionary, you might cut up all his clothes, throw them out of the window, and put his house keys down a grid. But without changing the emotions at all, and whilst still fully respecting them, you could calmly say to him 'I'm furious with you, I'm very very upset, and I'm disappointed. I need you to move out because you've crossed my boundary, you knew that when you did it, and there's no going back from that.'

The person/situation doesn't need to be 'given another chance'. You respect your initial emotional response. But if you do it the first way, you'd be viewed as reactionary. Second way, you'd be viewed as a very together, boundaried adult.

That's true. Thanks. And the second response is always the type of response I'd give.

Obviously in the case of something so black and white as cheating, it would be immediate and is pretty much exactly how I handled it!

I suppose when situations are less black and white, I'm more inclined to sit back and take processing time which means I don't always honour my initial response.

Thank you. That's given me something to think about.

But then so many people cross boundaries all the time and no one is perfect... I'd have no one inside if I removed people every time abundant was crossed.

so many people cross boundaries all the time and no one is perfect... I'd have no one inside if I removed people every time abundant was crossed.

This is an interesting belief.

You should have very strong boundaries which must not be crossed, and which you uphold by removing people who trespass across them. These should be important fundamental beliefs about yourself, your principles and self-worth and morals.

The sort of crossing boundaries you’re describing that ‘people do all the time ’ I wouldn’t say is anything to do with actual boundaries - they’re just irritations, I’d say?

If that is a confusing concept then it will make making decisions equally confusing.

To know if you are making the best decisions you can, you must trust yourself and your boundaries. You don’t, that seems clear enough.

I think this is a very clear instance where therapy would help you unpick why you feel conflicted over the past and how you can move to better decision-making.

But then so many people cross boundaries all the time and no one is perfect... I'd have no one inside if I removed people every time abundant was crossed

In a healthy world, people get to cross a boundary once, and only because they didn't know about it. So with boundaries like 'I will not be verbally abused', one strike and you're out, because that's a very obvious one. But if it's something a person might feasibly not realise, like 'I will not be tickled', then if they've been told and they still disrespect the boundary, they're gone.

No individual gets to 'cross boundaries all the time'. I'm not sure if that's what you meant, OP, that all the people close to you are constantly crossing your boundaries?