Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesnt want me does he?

21 replies

lifesabreezenot · 13/04/2022 08:59

I've been having an on/off relationship (by his doing) with a twice divorced man over the past 4 years. I have fell for him completely and his shitty treatment of me. He has never once told me he loves me, wants me in his life or gone out of his way to see me. I am leaving my husband and he knows. He ghosts me periodically, lies to me, drinks too much and apart from infrequent great sex, there isn't much else. I don't know why I feel this way for him - it was so different in the beginning. I don't think he would particularly care if I told him I wasn't going to be in his life. I am totally obsessed by this man, watching my phone in case he texts me. My self-esteem is rock bottom and I don't know how to cope anymore. I would still have been happily married if he hadnt come along but thats my fault and I cannot go back in time. I suppose my question is that if he hasnt expressed any feelings for me by now he isnt going to?

OP posts:
DoncasterHombre · 13/04/2022 09:08

That sounds tough and I'm full of sympathy . . . .

. . . . for your husband.

Yousexybugger · 13/04/2022 09:12

Do you mean you're separated but still living in the same home or actually still married?

If the latter then I'm not judging you but if this man started an affair with you knowing you're married then no, I wouldn't be expecting this to be a great love story with declarations of feelings etc. Even if he had genuinely fallen for you, wouldn't it be a bit foolish for him to lay all of that out knowing you were married and in no hurry to leave?

I accept that sometimes we don't plan for feelings to happen but I think your expectations are skewed here. He isn't your boyfriend, he's your affair partner.

Yousexybugger · 13/04/2022 09:13

That is to say if you're unhappy in your marriage you should leave for that reason. Not be waiting for another man to cushion your landing. You engaged in this as much as he did.

onwardsandupwardsyetagain · 13/04/2022 09:13

Sounds like it is time for you to draw a line under it and move on. You don't want to still be in this situation in another four years. Chalk it up to life experience and focus on finding happiness as a single person.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 13/04/2022 09:16

I think you need to be single and work on yourself. You really can't complain that the man you are having an affair with is treating you badly, when you are doing exactly that to your own husband.

mrsbitaly · 13/04/2022 09:17

Walk away from both relationships you are not happy. If your going to walk away from a marriage which by the way is entirely fine make sure it is for someone who treats you well. There is no point in going from one relationship breakdown to another where a man keeps you on a string, you deserve better than that. You know you are not being treated well 4 years is an awful long time for no commitment.

Original poster
lifesabreezenot · 13/04/2022 09:52

Thanks for your comments. I just suppose that after 4 years I thought he would want me and even admit he has feelings for me but he obviously doesn't and it isnt a great love story, I'm a fool and deserve everything coming to me. I won't post again because people on here have real problems and I know affairs are wrong and mine is just a stupid middle aged woman who should have known better.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 13/04/2022 13:58

Has your husband found out ?

Xztop · 13/04/2022 16:42

This type of 'relationship' is known as trauma bonding. I am in one myself sadly. No advice other than just to block him and move on but of course that's easy for me to sit here and type!

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/04/2022 18:32

Id imagine he wants exactly what he has with you, which is a casual relationship without commitment. And it doesn’t sound as though he’s ever led you to believe anything else or pretended he was offering anything more than what he is. End your marriage, break things off with this man, learn to be happy on your own for a bit.

Suprima · 13/04/2022 18:46

No, he doesn’t want you

It’s fairly obvious he doesn’t

Nothing you have said suggests he harbours feelings for you, or sees you as anything else than an ego boost or a free prostitute

TheSnowyOwl · 13/04/2022 18:50

He probably expected no strings sex when it suited him and nothing else.

I agree with leaving both of them and spending some time to work on yourself.

PriestessofPing · 13/04/2022 18:51

Oh dear, it sounds as though youve had a fantasy thing going for four years with an affair partner. You clearly realise what a mistake this was, maybe now of your marriage is over it would be best to try and focus on separation and rebuilding your self-esteem. Does your husband know you’ve been having such a long affair? Is that why you’re splitting?

StopStartStop · 13/04/2022 18:53

OP, forgive yourself. We don't always do what's sensible or right, sometimes we get things wrong.

From what you say, it sounds as if the best you can do is see the back of the husband and the lover, settle yourself independently, get some therapy and ease back into life bit by bit. At every point, love yourself, forgive yourself and trust your own judgement.

Libertaire · 13/04/2022 18:53

So you cheated on your husband with this man, you are now leaving your husband to be with him and he has now decided he doesn’t want to be with you. The word ‘karma’ springs to mind.

The kindest thing I can say about this situation is that I sympathise with your husband. Poor bloke.

BakedTattie · 13/04/2022 18:56

Nope. To him, you’re just sex.

Your husband deserves better. And you need to work out what you want in life.

Aposterhasnoname · 13/04/2022 19:01

So you treated your husband like shit and threw away a happy marriage and now you’ve been dumped by Prince Charming. Ain’t karma a bitch.

Sonaftersonafterson · 13/04/2022 19:40

Bitchy comments from women who know maybe 2% of the story says more about them than you, OP.

Go easy on yourself. Infatuation like this is soul destroying and I'm afraid, it doesn't get better. He won't suddenly change.

Either accept what he is offering, or walk away. Stop hoping for more because it wont happen. I know, hand on heart, how painful this is and I hope you can find some peace.

I assume the divorce is a result of the affair?

CorsicaDreaming · 13/04/2022 20:38

This man is not worth any of your time or energy. He is using you, and I think you do know that. Delete all messages from him. Block his number and delete it. Do all you can to prevent yourself contacting him or continuing to be used by him.

Are you sure it is the right thing to leave your DH? Have you considered therapy for yourself alone, and with relationship guidance for you both?

The last few years have been really tough for everyone. Do not throw away your marriage unless you are sure that is the right route for you and your DH.

Ignore the posters who are just being mean and harsh to you on here, only you know yourself know the full picture and they don't. These things are always far more complex than can be posted. I'm sure you understand already how much your actions will have hurt your DH.

Livandme · 13/04/2022 23:21

With kindness and understanding, no he doesn't want you.
At some point, hopefully now, you will realise he's no good for you and accept its time to move on.
I suspect you've cried a lot of tears and your mh is shot. Look after yourself op.

SucculentChalice · 13/04/2022 23:26

Don't ruin your life for this idiot OP.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread