Big fall out with Mum - how to fix

[Mummybear888]

My Mum and I recently had a very big fall out.

I was considering buying a property in an area some people might have considered dodgy in the past, but is now being gentrified and the place I chose was in a nicer part of that area. Spoke to a few residents and they only had good things to say.

My Mum then messaged our family WhatsApp group about how dangerous the area is and started insulting my character. I was really hurt by what she said.

I ignored the message and replied to her privately asking her to just be kind and civil and telling her that she hurt me.

This is not the first time she has really hurt me with her messages. She can be very rude, insulting and irrational.

We haven't spoken in a couple of days now and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to keep getting hurt by her actions.

I think she may be suffering from depression, so I don't want to make things worse for her (she is very attached to my daughter and I want her to be part of her life and mine too). Not sure if she is going through her menopause?

She joked that she wished she had early onset of Alzheimer's (which her Dad had). Could this be it?

I want her in my life but I need to figure a way to make our relationship harmonious.

Any advice appreciated.

Did she reply to your message? Have you ever spoken to her before about her behaviours? Is she capable of self reflection or does she make out you're too sensitive etc? Ultimately it takes two people to make a healthy relationship and only one to damage it. If she refuses to accept how harmful her behaviour is then you just have to work on your boundaries so limiting what information she has, and limiting the opportunities for her to hurt you.

@prickferrari thank you so much for your advice. You are so right, I need to think about my boundaries. I just have to choose what I tell her from now on to avoid any conflict. It's sad that I can't be totally real with her and be open about everything in my life.

Yes she did reply and started accusing me of treating her badly. Yes, occasionally I might snap at her (which she also does) and I will straightaway apologise if I know I did something wrong. She would never apologise if she did something wrong neither would she feel guilty.

Yes, this has happened before years ago. We had a big fall out and then eventually I just forgave her. I hate that it has happened again.

Yes, she always says that me and other family members are too sensitive, when really she is just being rude and anyone could see this.

I try to be patient with her but sometimes it is sooo hard. I think she feels as she is an older generation than me, she has the right to talk to me rudely :(.

I really empathise with your situation. Without knowing all the BG to your relationship etc, I can say that in some relationships the only way to make them tolerable is to seriously limit the information you share. Big and small news, limit as much as you can. If she doesn't know then she can't give her opinion, or make nasty comments, or do anything to make you feel small about X decision, or insert herself when it is not her business. It's sad, and it's not the kind of mother/daughter relationship anyone would want, but it's the reality a lot of us have. I prefer to look at it as a way to actually have and keep a relationship with my parents, as if I hadn't done this we were on our way to no relationship at all.

You're absolutely right @Eatingjumper . Thank you for sharing your advice and perspective too.

I think a relationship where I limit information and am more closed is better than no relationship at all. I've decided I will choose wisely what information I give her from now on.

You're right, it's a sad reality slot of us have to live with. Hopefully this will do the trick and we can have some sort of relationship.

Thanks so much again ladies. Mumsnet is so great :).