How do I stop carrying my past around? (CW: Sex pest)

[DamagedByASexPest]

NC for this as I'd rather not link it to anything else.

I'm looking for advice or anyone that's been in a similar boat. My Ex (together 8 years) was a narcissist, emotionally abusive and a classic sex-pest. If he didn't get laid every other day there'd be sulking, arguments, snide comments, nagging, pressure and rapidly increasing porn use until I would more often than not just give in. It caused me a lot of stress and damaged my attitude to sex.

Now I must stress that my current partner of 2 years is the opposite. He has never exerted any pressure, never so much as flinched when I've said I'm not in the mood, we've gone weeks without being intimate at times and he's never shown any sign of annoyance or impatience. He does let me know that he fancies me and lusts after me, but not in any kind of aggressive / expectant way.

We have a good sex life generally but recently I think my past is harming it. If it's been a few days since we've had sex I'm the one who starts to get anxious, like I'm letting him down, or anticipating a fight (that I know in reality isn't coming) and the more I feel like that the less I'm able to relax so the less likely we are to have sex so the worse my stress about it becomes and going to bed just becomes awkward and upsetting. Absolute vicious circle.

Last night he very casually remarked 'Ooh I'd thought we might have an early night together but I'm sorry you've had such a rough day at work, let's just put an audiobook on and curl up' and it sent my brain spiralling back into the past because he'd obviously gently anticipated sex that day and I didn't feel like it, so I felt I was at fault.

I've tried to explain it to him but I don't think he truly gets it, probably because at times when I'm not stressed or anxious about it I don't mind him being suggestive / playful at all. It must be very confusing for him

Does anyone have any advice on how I can re-train myself not to act / react this way and just enjoy intimacy as and when it comes (like my DP does!).

If you're still reading, Thanks!

I could have written your post, I’m not quite out of the abusive relationship yet but I’m unable to imagine wanting sex with anyone ever again…and thinking that’ll be my fault and that he’ll get angry …

I wonder if some specialist counselling would help, so you could unpick what was your ex’s responsibility and what was yours and thereby come up with a new way of thinking, even if it’s very conscious at the beginning and then hopefully becoming second nature over time? Your abusive ex trained you to think in this way, so I think it should be possible to train yourself to think differently - with specialist help from someone experienced in counselling abused women. I’m assuming you’re a woman so please forgive me if you’re not!

Your current DP sounds lovely and just what you need, and with his support and good counselling I believe you will get past this - the fact that you have recognised it as an issue is a very good start

I’ve just read that back, and knowing the headf* abuse causes the phrase “what was your responsibility” sounds like I’m blaming you or saying you had any part in it. You did not, what I meant was how you reacted because of his behaviour . I’m very sorry if my poor wording made you flinch or question yourself, that was 100% not what I meant x

This is the least talked about aspect of abuse IMO, but affects so many women. I could also have written your post in terms of your conditioned response to sex and feeling responsible/anxious around it. It's a trauma response to being repeatedly raped over a number of years, but I've found it very difficult to get any help for this outside of private trauma therapy.

Unfortunately the dynamics of domestic abuse are still poorly understood by the majority.

Thank you so much for the responses. I'm at work now so can't reply fully but just seeing that I'm not alone / weird for feeling like this is a relief x

It sounds like you could benefit from counselling; and knowing your reactions are yours to manage not your partners to anticipate or change his behaviours for

Thank you for tjis post, ive neverbeen able to articulate my fear of this since leaving my ex.
I have no advice but wanted to say good luck and your new partner sounds great x

I've tried to explain it to him but I don't think he truly gets it, probably because at times when I'm not stressed or anxious about it I don't mind him being suggestive / playful at all. It must be very confusing for him

Same as with anything else emotional, if your partner doesn't understand, you need to talk more and he needs to listen better. He needs to respect how you feel. You're not faulty, you're having a perfectly reasonable, conditioned response. It can take a long while and a lot of patience, from you and from him, for this to die down. Even if he doesn't get it, you need to be able to say to him 'I feel triggered right now', and for him to respond in a way that suits you.

Can you do this?