Friend and MH issues and now...

[Kaque]

So friend of many years. Always been a little hard work.

Diagnosed BPD, Bipolar, depression, anxiety.

Very easily influenced. Mirrors people ALOT. Makes a new (online) friends and spends weeks FB posting about other persons hobby like it's something she has a massive passion for despite just picking it up die to friend. Inevitably tails off.

So we were both very overweight, I've lost the weight, she has gained more. She is very sore because of this, understandably. Sore back, joints etc.

She has always been very active though, gets on with stuff. Walks everywhere as she's not allowed to drive, walks dog etc

New online friend has fibromyalgia.
My friend mentioned this to her GP a few months ago, that her (weight related pain) could be that.

Dr agreed it COULD be but ordered no tests.

Friend has now self diagnosed Fibromyalgia for herself.

Everything is relate to that now. "can you pick that up, I cant bend down"... "I've walked here today so I'm going to be in bed for 3 days now"... "my pain is excruciating today, its the fibro"

It's really starting to annoy me as she never complained before she spoke to friend.
I know I sound like a cunt but she does this ALL THE TIME with various things.

And its really hard when every conversation revolves around this diagnosis that she's just given herself! It's constant.

When she lost a few stone a few summers ago her back pain Improved so I keep suggesting we go to the gym but she says she can't because of fibro.

I know someone will come along and say 'well she may have it' but honestly she hasn't, I've know her for years and things like this are like a switch for her.

One day she will pick up something new and it will never be mentioned again.

I'm just finding it hard to bite my tongue.

I sound like a shit friend dont I? :( it's just so tiring, everything revolves around medicine and her being ill (including her MH issues and constantly talking about suicide)

I'm just tired

It doesn't sound like you like her very much. What do you get from the friendship? Have you got other friends?

She sounds boring and extremely draining. No one I know makes their health issues their whole identity, including myself. Could you just cut her out? I don't know why you would sit listening to all that.

I don´t think you're a c*unt, but I do think this friendship has no further life in it, just drift apart, be busy, she is an energy vampire.

Energy vampire is the most apt description ever.

Thing is, I do like her. She is a really good friend. Always there when I need her. Helps out alot (we help each other) but nothing ever seems fun. She's like a human Eeyore.
She literally has noone else though in her life. Noone.

You sound like you hate her. And thats probably because shes draining you.

She might have fm or she might not. Obviously she has a lot of mental health problems that you are not going to be able to solve so I would slowly step back and reduce contact to a level thats comfortable and not draining for you.

Does she have external support/medication/therapy?

Sorry cross posted with you. You need to encourage her to make more friends and seel help from outside agencies.

You are not responsible for her health and the best way to be a friend is to step back a little so you dont become a resentful friend.

She literally has noone else though in her life

That's because everyone else had the sense to walk away instead of having her Eeyore the fun out of their lives. There's millions of people out there she could make an effort to be friends with. It's her responsibility to herself, and nothing to do with you.

I don’t think it sounds like you hate her, more that you are continuously considering her mental health and your energy is being depleted trying to balance her mood when you’re with her - you sound like people I know who work in mental health roles who are burning out and have compassion fatigue.
Would it be possible to take a break for a while?

The thing about Eeyore is that despite his depression and issues, all of his friends, including the hyperactive Tigger all stay around with him and are his friends.
If you really are a friend to this woman, you should mention that she shouldn't self diagnose with medical issues because she could be doing more harm to herself than good. She should ask her GP for blood tests to rule in/out fibro. You are saying this to her as a friend and you're concerned for her.
I'd also (if it's possible and at the same time) try to put a bit of distance between the friendship.

Every single time she mentions the illness you say "Oh did you see a doctor about it then"
And variations on that theme.

She'll either stop mentioning it eventually or go to the doctors. Both are good results.

If she is constantly having thoughts about suicide, has obsessive thoughts and health anxiety, then whatever medical or psychological treatment she's currently receiving isn't working well enough. She needs a review of her treatment. First stop, the GP.

it's just so tiring, everything revolves around medicine and her being ill (including her MH issues and constantly talking about suicide)

You throw this in at the end of your post, but it's really significant.

This alone will be causing YOU mental distress, and if you need to withdraw from it then that's what you need to do - or ask her to stop talking to you and talk to a professional instead. Not as well as - instead.

It is very hard to cope with someone else's suicidality on a loop. Very hard. Does a lot of damage. You can like them, even love them, but hate the suicide talk and the see-saw of emotional blackmail and bleakness.

She has a social worker, she has weekly reviews. She's had a million medication changes. She was in a facility for 8 weeks last year... Because I broke contact.

I had enough and shamefully ghosted her which led alto a suicide attempt and her being sectioned.

We ended up in contact again because she had several important items at my house and needed to arrange collection. Over a few weeks we started talking again.

It's not been as bad since talking again, I get more space but this whole physical illness thing is stressing me out again.

I think it’s ok to say that you need to look after your own well-being and that you have a limit on how much you can hear about her issues, you are not a qualified counsellor, or medical professional and she needs to talk to them about her health, not you.

If you add that it may help both of you to focus on positives when you talk, so what’s been good this week, have you done anything that made you feel better, that sort of thing.

Also do limit the time you have contact, that way you balance your desire to support her with the need to look after yourself.

@Kaque

She has a social worker, she has weekly reviews. She's had a million medication changes. She was in a facility for 8 weeks last year... Because I broke contact.

I had enough and shamefully ghosted her which led alto a suicide attempt and her being sectioned.

We ended up in contact again because she had several important items at my house and needed to arrange collection. Over a few weeks we started talking again.

It's not been as bad since talking again, I get more space but this whole physical illness thing is stressing me out again.

This is a lot of responsibility you must feel you have on your shoulders then?

It seems like you can't make up your mind, OP.

That's really the issue.

Sometimes we have to take a "stand" if our relationships are harming us mentally. Life is too short. Distancing is always an option. Ending them is another. All are valid.

@Kaque

She has a social worker, she has weekly reviews. She's had a million medication changes. She was in a facility for 8 weeks last year... Because I broke contact.

I had enough and shamefully ghosted her which led alto a suicide attempt and her being sectioned.

We ended up in contact again because she had several important items at my house and needed to arrange collection. Over a few weeks we started talking again.

It's not been as bad since talking again, I get more space but this whole physical illness thing is stressing me out again.

@Kaque She did not attempt suicide and get sectioned because you broke contact.

She attempted suicide and got sectioned because she has a severe mental health condition, one that makes her overly dependent on other people - whether that's obsessively throwing herself into all their hobbies, diagnosing herself with their disabilities (perhaps because on some level she feels that their conditions are more acceptable and deserving of care than her own), or suggesting that other people's actions are responsible for her own.

You are getting sucked into this by agreeing that it was your fault she tried to die. You're not actually doing her any kindness by trying take on responsibility for her suicidal thoughts and behaviour.

I also had a friend with similar difficulties when I was much younger (very early twenties) and it ended with her getting incredibly resentful at me. Why? She'd been copying all my hobbies, agreeing with all my opinions, and while I believed that this was genuine and we really did have lots of shared interests, she was feeling frustrated and suffocated by it all. She was also trying to use me as a 24/7 crisis hotline instead of speaking with her treatment team, to the point where she'd phone 17 times at 4am and hang up when I answered, before finally speaking on the 18th call. I didn't even see this behaviour as harassment at the time. I saw it as my responsibility to let my sleep be disrupted and to tolerate the anxiety-inducing multiple calls because if I I didn't she might die. It is possible to be friends with someone in that kind of distress, because of course their illness doesn't rob them of all their personal qualities, but you need to have rock solid boundaries and to make sure you never get pulled into the belief that you are the only person they've got and so it's your responsibility to meet all their needs (your own don't count). Can you set those boundaries?

Blimey thats a lot of responsibility on your shoulders OP. No wonder you are fed up. Look after your own mental health.

You are not obligated to be friends with this woman. End the friendship because it's just not working for you.

I would also be walking away. It's too much. She became suicidal because of her own stuff, you can't be held responsible for that. People end relationships all the time, it's part of life. It is far healthier to have friendships with people who you know will handle it if it ends. That is how I see it anyway.