workaholic and co-dependent relationship with my boss

[alwaysdehydrated]

Has anyone ever experienced a work relationship so intense with a senior figure that it has changed their life in both positive and negative ways? I have been 18 years working at the same big company working for my boss (will call him S) who in the last five years has become the CEO.

I was a mature student graduate, he was a few levels up and has always been my direct boss. I did not have an easy childhood or teen/student years (I lived on the streets for a year and then in supported housing, hence doing my degree later in life.) He has promoted me and taken me up with him through the company, given me roles that suit my skills, sent me on training, developed me, ensured I got paid well and commensurate with the hours I put in (I work 90 hour weeks, sometimes more) The job has given my life purpose, I've travelled and lived all over the world, and it's made me feel like I've had a significant impact.

The toll that has taken has been that I have had barely any personal or love life for 18 years and S has become the centre of my world. My life completely revolves around him and work. He is also a workaholic so we are both thinking and talking about work all the time.

All my spare time when I am not working I have dedicated to my DC which I had in a very short-term marriage which broke up because of my work, because of how demanding and reliant S was on me over the last decade.

We are very used to travelling extensively together, sitting down to meals together, meeting people together, working together that it feels like a marriage. Except it isn't a marriage. I know why he has kept me in this position and "looked after me" and my career and it's because I have always known my place, I have always been someone he can rely on, always been the underdog, he knows he can give me any task and I will finish it well for him, he knows he can put me in front of anyone and I'll represent the company well and be well-prepared.

If you looked at my phone it would be constant back and forth during the day. We must call each other 15-20 times a day on work related issues. We have the same experiences, we go to the same meetings, so we have the same reference points when it comes to the news, the markets and other people. I also write his speeches. People at the company call me "the mini S," not because I'm going to grow up and be like him one day, but because I have attuned to him so much I can literally read his mind. I have also learned a lot from him, have adopted his style, his ability to relate, to be commercial and have managed to pick up some of his technical knowledge.

I'm aware that all this may sound like I am in love with him. I am not. I think I admire him and think he's wonderfully talented but there is a part of me that deeply resents him. He has never said it and never would say it, but I think there is a part of him (or me?) that believes I would be nothing without him. That I'm this useful co-dependent charity case he can wheel out whenever he has to give an example of somebody who has worked for him for almost 20 years, that he's dragged from the gutter, and that he's "actually not that bad."

The other thing is that many people find him very difficult. Hard to get along with, tyrannical, demanding. And I have always been praised as the one who can make it work. But I know the only way I have made it work is by giving 200%, sacrificing my personal life and dedicating my life purely to him. I'm not a horse whisperer, I'm just a martyr. I also drink heavily to manage the anxiety around the workload and to fill the gaps.

When I do OLD the people I meet cannot understand the hours that I work or my preoccupation with it. Either they get fed up with me because I am too busy, or I find them unexciting because I don't share their love of hobbies at the weekend or after work, as opposed to just working some more. Also if it goes anywhere and they see I work, travel and sit on the phone to S everyday, they just don't understand the relationship.

On the occasional day when the chaos of work and back and forth of emails and calls dies down, I just feel completely empty. It gives me this panicky feeling. I feel small. I drink a lot. I feel glued to the sofa and disassociated. Angry with S but not sure why.

Conversely, I see S doing the opposite. He completely switches off. He has a marriage, a good one, his own DC, he goes on holiday, he lies in the sun and switches off his phone. That cutting off of contact I find strangely devastating. It makes me think what am I even doing?

So I suppose my question is, do you have experiences of this type of dynamic? How did it end? What advice would you give me?

I'm aware that all this may sound like I am in love with him

That’s not what I took from reading your post. It sounded more to me like your boss is a parent / father substitute. Have you had therapy to process what happened in your childhood?

I was in a similar relationship with my boss of over 10 years, although not quite so extreme (I had a marriage, kids and some outside interests). He loaned me money and gave me support when I needed it so I felt an outsize loyalty to him.

It fell apart after I spent years working on a business venture with him that he decided at the very last minute to pull out of, leaving me high and dry. It was a very emotionally bruising experience. I recall one late night conversation where I said I had viewed him as a father figure and he had betrayed me, after years of complete dedication. He said, "in the end, you have to look out for yourself." That hurt but I needed to hear it and realise his interests and mine were not completely aligned.

I left the company and am now much happier and healthier in a job where I am doing what I want.

I think it is easy for women in particular to absorb the message that their value depends on being a good daughter/helpmate/enabler. It's useful for others so they encourage it.

I found it very hard at the time too because no one could really understand the relationship. It was never romantic but I loved him. I am very glad now it is in the past.

I have had something a little bit similar but less intense and not as long. Difficult relationship with my own family of origin. In my 20s and early 30s got a job in an amazing organisation, felt like family, people cared for each other, bosses were like substitute parents, lived and breathed it (it was a place with a political mission), worked all hours of the day, was in a relationship with someone who worked in a similar role, gave everything. Learnt so much, developed skills and knowledge, was well supported emotionally... it was fantastic, really good for me... Until it wasn't. I got burnt out, outgrew it, questioned why other areas of my life were so lacking and why I was giving so much to... an organisation.

I got therapy which absolutely changed my life.
OP don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like there might be a bit of Pygmalion Syndrome going on here?
www.pragueleadershipinstitute.com/content/pygmalion-syndrome

This has worked for you, given you some things that you needed - but maybe you're realising it's not working for you anymore. Nothing wrong with that, you just need some help to change or leave the situation. I really recommend therapy or counselling to work this out.

You said it all really. This job gives you a sense of worth and purpose. It sounds like you don't value yourself in any other way then in relation to this job. You've burried yourself in work, focusing on it to the exclusion of all else. While you're focused so completely on work you can shut the world out. This has helped you shut out your trauma, it's helped you cope and go on, but it can't help you heal, so you're still in the same place emotionally you were years ago. Get counselling, that's the advice I'd give you. It sounds like you earn a good wage, spend some of it finding a way to move forward, to change things. Otherwise one day S will retire and things will fall apart.

On something completely separate I’ve just read the following. I think it is good advice “Always remember that as an employee you’re nothing but a line item on a budget sheet and you owe your employer absolutely nothing, because they sure as shit won’t feel Obliged to do anything for you”. Take care

I have had similar (but not for as long).

My advice is:

1. immediately book in for long term counseling to unpick and explore the relationship. I agree it might come from a ‘seeking approval’ /parental thing, but it’s likely to be complex and you need to understand it.
2. Seek help for the anxiety and drinking.
3. Find just one hobby. This might be hard at first, but you need to find something, anything, that gives you a link outside work. Can be an ‘easy’ hobby, like exercise, watching a certain tv show, cooking (I say easy, as we usually do all those things anyway) or can be bigger more encompassing hobbies like candle making, knitting or whatever).
4. Financially set yourself up so you can take 2-4 month holiday
5. financially set yourself up so you can leave and take another job, if need be.
6. Then you need to explore the enjoyment of your workaholic life vs happiness. You may enjoy working all the time, but do you enjoy what it gives you? Eg no life outside work?

I really enjoy working too. But I realised I had given up a lot (partner, chance for a family) for it, and I decided that was unhealthy. Like chocolate - ok to eat some, but too much is bad for you. I am switching to a less encompassing job, not because I don’t love my job, but because I feel like if a get to the end of my working career I will be really resentful if/when there is nothing left in my personal life. as I didn’t build something there as well.

You are not mini S. He is mini you, a puppet getting his masters salary.

Sounds really unhealthy. I'd get counseling sorted and start looking for a new job immediately.
How have you even coped with this amount of hours and having DC to look after?

Sometimes we need a break from something to give us the distance we need to view it objectively.

You’ve worked there for a long time. I wonder whether you would be able to think about taking a block of 6 weeks off. Maybe the last couple of weeks of the summer term and then some of the holidays?

I think that you would need to turn off your phone and your emails which would be difficult and likely to give you some anxiety. But as you moved through that time I think it would help you to see it more clearly.

In your position I would find something to fill that time so I didn’t just drink. Maybe a short term gym membership or something like that ? Maybe a project like writing a book or decorating the house or redoing the garden - something alternative to pour your energy into.

I think that would reset things and you’d return with a different view.

I would also reiterate what others have said about some long term counselling to help you unpick your childhood.

OP, sounds like your whole identity is through work and mixed in with the approval and status you receive from your boss. I can understand how you feel co-dependent and a bit helpless to change.

How old are your DC? Surely there were periods when they were young when you were more detached? Surely your boss and you discuss your personal lives? Does he not encourage you to have downtime? Do you work all weekend?

I am slightly confused by your post. You sound like you are in a senior role, for which you are undoubtedly paid to be proactive, decisive and a very capable pair of hands. I wonder what is stopping you applying the same skills to your home life?

I am in awe of how clearly you see the dynamic here. Are you in therapy? You are so self-aware. You have identified all the problems, including the lure of all the benefits.

If I were you, I would look for a way to take a breather. You must have holiday owing. If you do, go somewhere there is no internet, no phone signal and just be for a while.

Give yourself time to completely take stock of your life. Imagine it is at a crossroads and you can now, if you choose, take a different direction which allows you to widen your life - to take up hobbies, to spend more time with your children, to make friends, to fall in love, to look for another job where the hours are less onerous and the boss less domineering.

You do have choices. You are so sharply observant about where you are in life, I suspect once you explore other possibilities, you will grow into them/rise up to meet them very quickly.

The other way to do this would be to make tiny shifts. Leave work 5 minutes earlier and arrive 5 minutes later every day for a week. Take up a not too time consuming hobby (online courses that can be done in 5-10 minute increments) and aim to complete it 3 times a week. Choose to do something new to you each day of the week - even if it is listening to new music as you get ready in the morning or trying new food when you eat. Just put tiny wedges in the world you feel grafted onto.

I was taught an exercise in my twenties (which I am always going on about on MN) that was so useful to me. Draw a big square and section it into 9 smaller squares. Put an aspect of life in each one. Work is one, obviously, and family another, since you have DC. But there are 7 squares left. The only one that's mandatory is community service - you need to connect with your community in some way. And they recommend a box for spirituality in what ever form that is meaningful to you, whether it's following a religion or just appreciating the vastness of the world though stargazing and nature walks. Your health and fitness is an obvious priority.
That still leaves 4 boxes. One might be romance. One should be fun/R&R - hobbies, pastimes, holidays etc.

You put an aspect of a full, rich life in each box and then ideally every day but certainly every week, you take active steps to improve and strengthen each area of your life, until all 9 are in a really stromg, healthy shape. The logic is - if one aspect of your life goes wrong, the other eight support you, give you meaning and purpose. I have seen this work.

I strongly recommend you take this 9-square thing off with you to some retreat with no media connections and contemplate it. Start enriching your life.

Hello, I can relate to the workaholic part of your post…
When I don’t work I have a horrible, empty/useless/don’t know what to do feeling.

If that resonates, I have a few words - to go through that feeling to relaxation and fun is worth it. Working your way through where that association and behaviour stems from is worth it.
Feelings pass.
Avoidance is harder work than facing something because of often what is keeping you trapped ultimately is fear. When you face it, issues can be cleared up much quicker than you imagine right now.