I am struggling to figure out where i am/what I'm doing.
I married in 2013, and we had our first child in 2016, and second in 2017. We have 2 awesome boys.
In October 2019 he slept with one of his female friends. I put this down to him being sad that his brother was relocating to another country (it all happened after his brother's leaving do). I struggled with what to do at the time, but figured we would give it a try to fix things. We went to an initial Relate session and talked about what had happened... they suggested sex counselling for me... as my husband said he cheated as he wasn't getting the intimacy from me that he wanted.
I agreed (as my sex drive has never been particularly high) and thought it was worth investigating - perhaps if that was better, our relationship would be better. We were on the waiting list and were eventually offered some sessions... but he never confirmed and thus we didn't ever get to counselling.
Things got a little better as he felt guilty. Though he still felt he could be friends with the person he cheated on me with. I forced him to cut ties if he wanted to be with me. Which he did (although I still caught him talking to her another time before he actually cut ties).
He's always liked a drink and being sociable but it seems to have escalated. He drinks most nights and thus results at times in a hangover where he wont want to move from the sofa (our boys are now 4 and 6...). Our boys know that daddy wont get up out of bed for them in a morning, so they just don't go to him.
In the last 6 weeks, 3 nights (at weekends) he has had people drinking at our house (normally just 1 or 2 family members or friends), which goes on until 1 or 2am - meaning i cannot sleep as they are loud and very drunk.
I suggested to him the other day that in future, could he please do it elsewhere as i cant sleep (it also makes our boys stir but i didnt tell him that). He has barely spoken to me since.
As a result I dealt with the 20th anniversary of the death of my grandfather by myself without any support (we were really close and i cried a number of times that day).
Tuesdays our sons go to karate. 7-8pm. it's a regular appointment and in our shared google calendar so no excuses. He forgot and scheduled to play snooker with his dad and brother.
So he had to join them late, resulting in him being short with our children as we got them ready for bed. I told him 'stop it' as he was being so short with them and he responds with 'i hate that!'
He regularly schedules things at times i have things planned for, meaning we have to ask our parents to help out for childcare, or i have to come home early so that he can also go out.
He never takes the kids to school, despite us both working at home and starting work at the same time (9am). If he has annual leave he only does things he wants to do (and still won't do pick up/drop off for school).
I feel like i'm his mother as some mornings i have to tell him to get up in time for work (and he's literally just started a new job).
2 weekends ago, i broke down to him as i was exhausted. I spoke to him as 'i feel....' so that i wasnt blaming him. But his suggestion was that I should see a doctor as he thinks there's something else going on. All washing and cleaning falls to me (admittedly i have fridays off to do some of that, but it needs more time than i have). He won't pay for a cleaner. So it has to get done sometime. He criticises when the house is 'dirty' but doesnt do anything about it. I told him i needed more help. His suggestion was that sunday mornings, we all do cleaning. Which would be great. It lasted 1 weekend.
He'll help tidy up the kitchen after dinner sometimes, empties dishwasher in the mornings and cut the grass when needed.
I am not depressed. I'm just really unhappy with how i'm treated.
So far this week in the evenings, Monday was band practice, today he's out with his dad playing snooker, tomorrow he's gaming with a friend, Thursday he's out with work and Saturday he's seeing a friend.
If we hadn't got children, i would be gone.
I feel like i can't leave, as otherwise he would barely see his children. Also I am very often the peace maker in the house as he is so strict / quick to shout at/reprimand them - he literally flies off the handle.
He has smacked our 4 year old before even though I've told him i don't agree with it and i think 4 is far too young for that sort of punishment regardless.
I am worried that our boys might end up scared of him. When i told him that, he pretty much told me that his dad was strict and their relationship is fine.
I fear his temper could lead to something else.
I really don't know what to do. I'm used to being given the silent treatment. If i tell him how i feel, he makes me feel like it's my fault.
Sorry if this is jumbled. I'm trying to make sense of all of this myself as i type.