Is this gaslighting?

[Jesstoimpress]

I had a relationship with a man from a neighbouring town. I ended it due to feeling a bit manipulated at certain times.
We missed each other a lot and eventually decided to give it another go. He persuaded me the issues were down to my insecurities caused by my ex husband, said it was understandable and he could be patient whilst I healed.
Yesterday during a minor disagreement over him not calling when he said he would, he said "well it's not like I shagged a hooker". This was something my husband did. My boyfriend is the only person I have felt comfortable enough to discuss it with as it feels shameful, although I know it wasn't my fault.
I was upset that my boyfriend said this but rather than apologise, he claimed I was looking for bad intent from him, how I felt wasn't accurate and I am mistaking my feelings for reality. He claims he had forgotten the whole conversation around prostitutes and was just making an example that he didn't do anything serious by not calling.
At first I was furious and hurt that I confided I him and he used this personal information as a weapon against me. I'm starting to weaken now and wondering could he be right?
Am I overly sensitive because of my ex or is this targeted gaslighting? I think I know the answer but feel a little confused now.

Trust your gut and run for the hills. He most definitely does remember having that conversation with you and was using it to make you feel shit.

Plus, your feelings are reality: there isn't a difference between the two.

If he's capable of gaslighting you like this once, he'll just continue to do it again and again.

Why are you even trying to make excuses for this twat? You've gone from one bad relationship to another. Get rid of him and work on yourself.

Am I overly sensitive because of my ex or is this targeted gaslighting

It doesn't matter. What matters is that the way he behaves makes you feel shit, and when you feel shit, you try to work out whether you're reading it wrong. That's where the part of the problem that you can fix lies. Work on that bit of the problem. Don't worry about his intentions; you'll never get inside another person's head. Recognise that in a healthy relationship, regardless of the facts of the situation, the question 'Is this gaslighting' simply never arises. Recognise that if that sort of question does arise in a relationship, you need to pull away, because the question being there denotes an unhealthy match.

@Aquamarine1029

Why are you even trying to make excuses for this twat? You've gone from one bad relationship to another. Get rid of him and work on yourself.

Because when things are good, it's the most fun, happy and fulfilling relationship I have ever had. The problem is its all highs and lows. I am insecure in some ways amd have readily admitted this, so I guess it's easy to convince me that is what's always happening. I'm scared of ending it and never finding anyone who compares during the happy times.

No OP. This isn't a good relationship.

You can't judge a relationship on what happens when things are good. Almost any 2 people can have fun together. Many people have lots and lots in common, but it doesn't make them compatible. Compatibility is about how you deal with the bad times together. It's about being able to respect each other's point of view, even if you disagree. It's about supporting each other when things are tough. He's not doing that, is he. He's not interested in you feeling better, he's interested in proving himself right.

Even if he had forgotten what he says he's forgotten, that's deeply insensitive of him anyway. It's not an excuse that gets him off the hook, it's just an alternate hurtful thing he's done.

It does feel like gaslighting, yes. However I'm wondering if you are in the right 'place' for an emotionally healthy relationship. It sounds like you haven't processed what happened before, and would maybe benefit from counselling.
But no, your current relationship doesn't sound ideal.

how I felt wasn't accurate and I am mistaking my feelings for reality.

Sorry, what? This is such a red flag.

It sounds like you found another twat. I've had one of those up-and-down zero-or-one hundred passionate relationships (for more than a decade) and it eroded my self confidence. Even though the loving passionate times (and I'm not just talking about sex) were exhilirating, I am a happier and more balanced person without him.

He remembered alright.
The comme was deliberate.
He is gaslighting.
Run for the hills.

@Cosmos123 exactly this.

@mycatisannoying

It does feel like gaslighting, yes. However I'm wondering if you are in the right 'place' for an emotionally healthy relationship. It sounds like you haven't processed what happened before, and would maybe benefit from counselling. But no, your current relationship doesn't sound ideal.

I was less upset by the reference to hookers, more so that it felt he used something I confided in him as a weapon against me.

@fossilsmorefossils

how I felt wasn't accurate and I am mistaking my feelings for reality.

Sorry, what? This is such a red flag.

It sounds like you found another twat. I've had one of those up-and-down zero-or-one hundred passionate relationships (for more than a decade) and it eroded my self confidence. Even though the loving passionate times (and I'm not just talking about sex) were exhilirating, I am a happier and more balanced person without him.

Thank you for responding @fossils How did you make the break?

I don’t know if it’s “targeted” or “gaslighting” but it is utterly shite behaviour from him. Like you say, he’s using your hurt and vulnerability as a weapon against you. The only time a guy would behave like that is because THEY are getting a kick out of seeing YOU upset.

Why would any genuine, nice man do that or even want to do that? Why would you want to earn the “love and affection” of a man capable of making you feel that?

Your hurt and now frustration / questioning his behaviour is your intuition telling you he’s a shit and giving you the heads-up to get rid for good this time. He got his second chance and blew it. You know in your heart you don’t deserve to be treated like this. So don’t give him the opportunity to continue.

Bin him and feel bloody proud of yourself that your gut feelings spotted this all too common narc trait so early on and you listened to them and validated them this time.

And if he comes crawling back with I miss you, I love you’s you know this time it’s all bollocks and that what he means is he’s missing his lost his power over you to make you squirm.

End it. Block. Delete. Ignore.

Because when things are good, it's the most fun, happy and fulfilling relationship I have ever had. The problem is its all highs and lows. I am insecure in some ways and have readily admitted this, so I guess it's easy to convince me that is what's always happening. I'm scared of ending it and never finding anyone who compares during the happy times.

If you want to ride a roller-coaster for the rest of your life, he sounds like your guy.

If you don't, probably best to try someone else.

You telling him about your ex sleeping with a prostitute was obviously a big deal for you; whether he honestly forgot you'd told him or was gaslighting you about it is impossible to know for sure, so the more useful questions to ask yourself are:

• Do I want to be with a man who can't remember a significant emotional disclosure that I made to him?

• Do I want to be with a man who, when I tell him I'm hurt because his words brought up a traumatic memory for me, focuses on his intention rather than my hurt? If he genuinely forgot, it would have been easy for him to say, "I'm really sorry, I completely forgot you'd told me that, but now that you've reminded me I can see how upsetting you would find it. I didn't mean to hurt you and I'm sorry I did."

Have you had any counselling for the distress caused by your last relationship? You say that your boyfriend "persuaded you that your issues were down to your insecurities". I don't think this is a subject where your boyfriend can be regarded as an objective expert, and you shouldn't be being persuaded by him. You should have your own clear perspective on it.

I think it would be a lot better to talk with a therapist in order to resolve your feelings about your marriage and also the issues with your boyfriend.

You have a choice. Go. Now. Get away from this twit. He's grasping at pathetic straws because he knows he's been awful.
Or...
Find yourself in this same quandary for Gos knows how many iterations until you see what he is doing to you and your self worth.

I remember when I first posted a
Similar question and I thought the responses who said go, leave him now, were being b judgy and
Couldn't possibly understand my circumstances BUT they were the ones who were right in the end. I just couldn't see it because I was in the
Middle of it. Please
Pease think hard
And then get away from this
Man.

he claimed I was looking for bad intent from him, how I felt wasn't accurate and I am mistaking my feelings for reality

So, he tells you what YOU were thinking, he tells YOU that YOUR feelings are WRONG, and he tells YOU that your feelings aren't 'justified' ??

So according to HIM, only HE knows what your intent in a conversation is. Only HE knows whether YOUR feelings are 'valid'. Only HE gets to decide whether or not your 'feelings' are 'real' or 'right'??

Nope ! He's a nasty fucker who's only interest is himself. YOU don't matter one iota ! He's happy to see you upset, and he's more than happy to be the CAUSE of that upset too ! He didn't 'forget' what you told him, he just figured he'd use it to upset you because you'd dared to confront him on his crappy behaviour !

And for the record, any relationship with 'highs and lows' is truly dysfunctional.
A healthy relationship is on an 'even keel', and any 'low' points are caused by things outside the relationship e.g money worries or a death, they are NOT caused by your partner, and they are tackled together, as a team.

Dump this nasty, manipulative bastard and find yourself someone who values you, because you ARE worth it !

Of course he didn’t forget the conversation about prostitutes.
Get rid of him and concentrate on being happy alone. A relationship should enhance your life, not make you doubt yourself.

This man is not good for you. He is using your insecurity as a weapon. Your relationship is full of doubt. Please break away and find a partner who has feelings!