Traumatic event/fear of rejection.

[sharpsobjects]

I don't date on purpose. What happens is a man inserts himself into my life e.g. via work/friendship, I get attached, and he pulls away. So I have not quite relationships and refuse to properly date.

Consequently I'm 32 and chronically single.

When I was 19, I was mentally unwell with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. My boyfriend at the time, who had proposed marriage after knowing me for a month and was extremely intense, tired of my depression. He persuaded me to go to my parents and have a night away from him, then blocked me via email/MSN and got his friends to answer his phone and laugh at me.

This pushed me over the edge and I became very sick. My parents didn't know what was up with me. I collected my things from his house and he'd pushed everything I owned into a pile on the floor, gone out to get high and left his Mum to ensure I collected my things.

I deteriorated psychologically and ended up crashing my car at 110mph in a suicide attempt. I cannot explain adequately how this cruel dumping damaged me when I was already quite fragile (left school due to severe bullying and lost a friend to suicide.. in a sense this boyfriend was all I had).

Unfortunately he "took" me back, not before stringing me along and having sex with me in his car for a month and making me his girlfriend when I was sufficiently dedicated to doing whatever he wanted. He later became physically violent.

Now when I'm involved with men, mentally I go back there sometimes. It's hard to know what will trigger the same feeling, but when it hits it's excruciating.

I've had therapy but it didn't really touch it.

I worry sometimes if I'll always regress when I feel rejected. That I avoid relationships because I'm so scared of this happening again, but instead end up in unsatisfying situations where I get rejected anyway.

Thanks for listening.

Hi OP

What kind of therapy have you had?

Person-centred therapy.

Hi OP, to say this sounds tough would be an understatement.

Did the person-centred therapy help at all?

It helped a little bit, but I ended up back with an "ex" (another "non" boyfriend) last year. He's a manipulative drug addict and it was hell, but I found it hard to let go once I was sucked in.

My friends all tell me to use dating apps. I recoil in horror because I can only see bad scenarios with abusive men. Yet they find me anyway somehow.

Its because you vulnerable and men sense that.

Can you be single for a while and work on yourself to try and the root cause of what is holding you back?

That's a talk therapy isn't it?

You would probably do better with some kind of trauma therapy such as EMDR. Talk therapy often won't even begin to touch trauma.

I don't date either due to past trauma, I intend to heal and get therapy if needed before I date, but currently I have other things to deal with so I haven't done it yet....so I totally understand where you are coming from

Now when I'm involved with men, mentally I go back there sometimes. It's hard to know what will trigger the same feeling, but when it hits it's excruciating.

EMDR can help to process the past trauma so that you don't get triggered in the same way.

@mumsnet this needs a trigger warning (talk of suicide) amendment in the title x

I agree EMDR sounds like it would be much more effective for you.

Take the time to find a trauma specialist and discuss different types of therapy, talk therapy isn’t always the most suitable. Do you take any medication for the bipolar disorder?

Be kind to yourself OP, you didn’t deserve any of that and I hope you find happiness x

How awful for you OP. No wonder you feel like this about potential new relationships.

I did a couple of years of talk therapy to process issues I had related to my alcoholic ex and my family, but didn't find it hugely helpful either.
There are a couple of books that I found helpful with overcoming trauma responses though. One is Mindsight by Dan Siegel and the other is The Body keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk.

@sharpsobjects

I don't date on purpose. What happens is a man inserts himself into my life e.g. via work/friendship, I get attached, and he pulls away. So I have not quite relationships and refuse to properly date.

Consequently I'm 32 and chronically single.

When I was 19, I was mentally unwell with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. My boyfriend at the time, who had proposed marriage after knowing me for a month and was extremely intense, tired of my depression. He persuaded me to go to my parents and have a night away from him, then blocked me via email/MSN and got his friends to answer his phone and laugh at me.

This pushed me over the edge and I became very sick. My parents didn't know what was up with me. I collected my things from his house and he'd pushed everything I owned into a pile on the floor, gone out to get high and left his Mum to ensure I collected my things.

I deteriorated psychologically and ended up crashing my car at 110mph in a suicide attempt. I cannot explain adequately how this cruel dumping damaged me when I was already quite fragile (left school due to severe bullying and lost a friend to suicide.. in a sense this boyfriend was all I had).

Unfortunately he "took" me back, not before stringing me along and having sex with me in his car for a month and making me his girlfriend when I was sufficiently dedicated to doing whatever he wanted. He later became physically violent.

Now when I'm involved with men, mentally I go back there sometimes. It's hard to know what will trigger the same feeling, but when it hits it's excruciating.

I've had therapy but it didn't really touch it.

I worry sometimes if I'll always regress when I feel rejected. That I avoid relationships because I'm so scared of this happening again, but instead end up in unsatisfying situations where I get rejected anyway.

Thanks for listening.

When you say "I had therapy but didn't really touch it" Do you mean you didn't talk about it? If so the therapy is not going to help. Nothing will help, until you talk about it - hard as it may seem.