If your husband refused relationship counselling, did he say why.

sleepymum50 · 2022-04-12T17:40:30+00:00

I’ve been married a long time, DCs grown up and left home. Our relationship is not good, I have asked him if we can do some relationship counselling together. He has refused point blank. I am awaiting an appointment to see a clinical psychologist for myself. Money is not the problem. If your husband has also refused, did he say why, did his reason make sense, or did you think there was another reason which he didn’t want to admit to? Yes, I will LTB if I have to, but thought it worth trying to at least make an effort. I think his reasoning is that none of this is his fault, (although he doesn’t actually say that) and it’s me that needs to fix things. Yes I’ve had post natal depression, and also menopausal depression and anxiety. Or it it that some men just don’t know how to open up to an outsider?

Catsstillrock · 12/04/2022 18:52

OP my dad was like this.

Many men, and the older they are the more likely it is… have been:

Taught to surpress and/ or to externalise their emotions - blaming others (especially the women on their lives) for how things are and how they feel

Taught that if they must feel / express an emotion, anger is the only acceptable one for men. (I read in a parenting book anger is always a masking emotion for fear or sadness) which rang very true.

Are very scared of exploring any of this or opening up in any way.

And therapy would also them to do that. So they refuse to go.

Catsstillrock · 12/04/2022 18:56

Therapy would ASK them to do that.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. We’re all responsible for ourselves but some of it is structural: men who weee socialised into a very rigid masculinity are too scared to open up.

It’s very sad.

My parents eventually divorced. My dad was gutted, but was too much of a coward to face up to himself and grow ans change for the better.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2022 18:56

“I don’t believe in it.”

Tlollj · 12/04/2022 18:58

‘She’s bound to be on your side anyway’
‘Besides I’m happy’

Heatherjayne1972 · 12/04/2022 19:58

I’d rather get divorced

So we did

Keepithidden · 12/04/2022 20:04

DW refused when I suggested it, I wasn't given a reason, but she is very introverted and anxious.

I suspect such traits are more common in my sex than hers though.

Watchkeys · 12/04/2022 20:18

Doesn't matter what 'men' do or what 'other couples' do.

If you're not happy, what difference does it make what other people do? You need to do something for you, that meets your needs, now, rather than looking for things that other people have done at other times, to meet their own needs.

but thought it worth trying to at least make an effort

In what ways is he trying to make an effort?

HaggisBurger · 12/04/2022 20:21

“Didn’t have time”

Has presumably found getting divorced a lot more time consuming than marriage counselling.

AlmostThereMaybe · 12/04/2022 20:21

“I don’t need it, it’s you that’s the problem. Why don’t you go and see your doctor as well, and see what they have to say about it?”

PandemicAtTheDisco · 12/04/2022 20:22

He didn't want to talk to someone that wouldn't be on his side!

My ex knew he was in the wrong and didn't want anyone else to hear what I had to say about him and his actions. He didn't want me talking to anyone and was annoyed I'd told my parents what he'd done after we'd split up. I just told him that I wasn't going to lie about what happened. He was upset his actions made him look bad.

He told many lies and he tried to keep his family completely in the dark. He really tried to make everyone think badly of me. He told me he didn't want to talk to someone that wouldn't be on his side!

Horological · 12/04/2022 20:28

DH refused because he seemed to think that counsellors were like judges who would decide who was right and who was wrong.

It’s not just that men are socialised not to discuss their feelings I also think many of them live in a different world. Although my DH is highly educated and quite worldly in many respects he does not know about many things that are commonplace topics of discussion among women eg. therapy, counselling etc. In fact, half of the topics on MN are totally outside his world. He’s not ancient or conservative he has just never read women’s Magazines, read the kind of books women read, sat in a playgroup or chatted outside school gates etc. He’d call himself a feminist too! His idea of counselling comes from, I know not where.

RandomMess · 12/04/2022 20:46

Some people refuse because they don't want to have to change nor hear that they haven't been the dependable supportive partner they should have been. They don't want to have any responsibility for the current unhappiness.

Onthedunes · 12/04/2022 20:53

@RandomMess

Some people refuse because they don't want to have to change nor hear that they haven't been the dependable supportive partner they should have been. They don't want to have any responsibility for the current unhappiness.

very true.

My husband was advised to seek anger management through a councillor.

The result....
He just made the councillor angry and she no longer wanted to council him.

SarahDippity · 12/04/2022 22:28

‘These people make their money out of other people’s weaknesses.’

‘I’m entitled to my private thoughts.’

‘It’s typical you, to go running off trying to get people on your side.’

LesLavandes · 12/04/2022 22:41

My husband said he didn't need therapy. I went on my own. We are now divorced

Original poster

sleepymum50 · 13/04/2022 12:39

Thankyou for all these responses, I guess he is a mix of some of these.

However things have moved on. He is due to go on a two week vacation with his mum and siblings and partners ( I’m not going) he announced last night he didn’t want to go.

Came in this morning, and said he would not go on the vacation and would spend the two weeks finishing off stuff in the house.

When I wasn’t enthusiastically thankful. This is all stuff that should should have been done when he was working on it at the time ( some of it goes back (20 years). He is retired, so really he can devote as much time whenever he likes. He doesn’t wasn’t to go on the vacation anyway.

I was, yes that sounds like a good idea, but when he replied that he was going out of his way to fix our marriage, and I should be more thankful for his effort, I mistakenly said that this two week work on the house could be done at any time.

Long story short. We are getting divorced. I am “throwing away more than I think” I didn’t start the conversation about divorce, but I didn’t throw in any obstacles or desperately try to stop it.

Guess I’ll be posting for advice sooner rather than later. Oh and relationship counselling is probably gone out of the window?

Thanks everyone xxxx

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 13/04/2022 12:40

throwing away more than I think

That's good news.

ScaffoldingEndlessly · 13/04/2022 12:43

Not my DH, but my DF.

He had already decided he would leave when the time suited him. DM asking for counselling just moved things along quicker. It was painful for them both, and neither of them ever really got over it all.

SexyPortugese · 13/04/2022 16:30

@sleepymum50

Thankyou for all these responses, I guess he is a mix of some of these.

However things have moved on. He is due to go on a two week vacation with his mum and siblings and partners ( I’m not going) he announced last night he didn’t want to go.

Came in this morning, and said he would not go on the vacation and would spend the two weeks finishing off stuff in the house.

When I wasn’t enthusiastically thankful. This is all stuff that should should have been done when he was working on it at the time ( some of it goes back (20 years). He is retired, so really he can devote as much time whenever he likes. He doesn’t wasn’t to go on the vacation anyway.

I was, yes that sounds like a good idea, but when he replied that he was going out of his way to fix our marriage, and I should be more thankful for his effort, I mistakenly said that this two week work on the house could be done at any time.

Long story short. We are getting divorced. I am “throwing away more than I think” I didn’t start the conversation about divorce, but I didn’t throw in any obstacles or desperately try to stop it.

Guess I’ll be posting for advice sooner rather than later. Oh and relationship counselling is probably gone out of the window?

Thanks everyone xxxx

This is a bit confusing! You mean he's told you he wants a divorce? Because the way you've written it makes it sound mutual, but like it's something that the conversation has just kinda rolled into and you're accepting that outcome without actively genuinely wanting to divorce?

You can't get divorced just because the conversation went down that road and now you feel like you can't say it's not what you want... is it what you want? Is this mutual? If he's told you he's divorcing you then that's that but you sound so weirdly passive about something so massive.

forrestgreen · 13/04/2022 17:03

He refused, said he wouldn't be able to talk.
Then he had an affair which sorted that problem out. He's shortly to be an exh

Original poster

sleepymum50 · 13/04/2022 17:57

Sorry sexy, you’re right it does sound rather passive.

It was brought on with me originally saying I wasn’t happy, and I wanted to suggest relationship counselling. I have already thought about the next steps if this didn’t work. Trial separation, divorce.

We’re both unhappy with the relationship, but I think he’s further behind than me ( ie thinks if he can fix me ) we’ll potter on happily for years.

But my problems go back years. I have taken the easy route whenever we’ve had differences of opinions, because he has a very strong personality and doesn’t take criticism well. He doesn’t really listen to me or take on board who I am. I have let him pretty do much what he wants (spending money/going out). And over the years just started refusing to go out to any and every thing.

This has really only got bad since the menopause where I’ve just lost that willingness to do everything he wanted, when it didn’t ever feel reciprocated.I hardly ever go out, and if I do it’s by myself. I really want to turn my back on the world, and go live under a rock.

Anyway, muddled way of saying yes I want a divorce.

OP posts: