Deveoped strong feelings for someone who wants a baby

[AgeOfEmotions]

Hello all. I'm guy in my late 30's dropping by in peace.

Recently my life has dropped some curve balls. I broke up with my partner of 2 years before Christmas time and soon after very unexpectedly met someone who I basically clicked with on every level. We dated for about 3 months but it turns out she wants a baby and I've never wanted children.

She 36 going on 37. So understandably she doesn’t want to waste any time.

The issue is I've developed some very strong feelings for her. She's everything I could ever dream of in a women. Personality, looks, chemistry, attraction, it's all there with her. I saw her yesterday and all I could think of was "that's the women I want to spend the rest of my life with".

The idea of starting a family with her actually makes my heart glow, I always feel such love and positivity when I'm with her that I genuinely believe we could develop a very strong relationship and see where our story of love could take us. However I'm also very wary of having a baby. I'm somebody who struggles with my physical and mental health. I didn't have a stable upbringing, there was a lot of trauma there which has left a mark and still needs to heal. I need good sleep otherwise I become prone to anxiety and depressive moods, I need space to myself, peace and quiet to recharge. I get tired easy. Something tells me I would struggle with parenthood. I love my nieces but I can find them very demanding and tiring to be around and it doesn't take long for me to feel this way. I guess I'm just very sensitive. I would hate for my issues to affect an innocent baby, as soon as I start resenting being in the demanding position of being a parent, the baby will pick up on it I'm sure and grow up with abandonment issues. I'm aware I live a very free autonomous life. I love to engage creatively, I have lots of friends, a vibrant social life and hobbies which nourish me and I deeply value. I'd possibly find it hard to lose this through the demands of parenthood. However I'm sometimes aware that something is missing though and I believe it's family. My family, who I am very close with, live the other side of the country. I am at heart a family man. The idea of having my own family appeals to me a lot so I feel deeply saddened that I don't think I'd be up to the task of being a parent. It's brought up a lot of issues for me meeting this lady.

Has anybody here ever dealt with this type of situation in their life? It's left me feeling very confused. My heart wanting one thing and my head telling me something else. Did you decide to have a baby after meeting someone who wanted one? Did you follow your heart and not your head? Or did you decide to let that person go? Did you meet someone else who shared your original values of not wanting a baby? Did you make peace with the fact that you wont be a parent in this lifetime as you didn't feel capable, even though you may have longed to be on some level?

I know prior to meeting this lady I dreamt of meeting somebody I could buy a house with and have lots of pets. That's what my last partner and I were going to do. Maybe that's my destiny after all.

Thanks for reading.

I think it's one thing to not want to have a child just because you don't and quite another to not want a child because your personality and mental health just wouldn't cope with the potential upset and chaos it could bring to your life.

I think this is a really hard one but IMO you should let his woman go. It will be hard but you really really do not sound like someone who would make a good team player when it comes to having kids. They bring a pressure to your life you wouldn't believe.

I really wish you well, it must be so difficult when you find someone who suits you so well.

Just be honest with her, it's fairer on both you and her- she can decide if she wants to remain in the relationship and you won't feel a pressure from yourself to have a child if you don't want one. Sadly sometimes even with people we are really compatible with there are dealbreakers that can't be ignored.

Describe yourself to her the way you’ve described yourself here. Guaranteed she won’t want your baby.

@SarahBellam

Describe yourself to her the way you’ve described yourself here. Guaranteed she won’t want your baby.

Yep. I just got the gigantic ick from this description.

Thanks for the replies, I do appreciate it. To be clear we're not together. We were seeing each other for 3 months. When the topic of babies first came up I was very firm about not wanting them and she made the decision soon after to end it between us because of that which I respected. We've stayed in contact though as we're part of the same community, it's hard for us to not see one another. After a long chat yesterday, we both have admitted we have strong feelings for one another and I know there would a chance of reconcilation if I was able to give her certainty around wanting children. Maybe I can't, but I just feel I'm betraying my heart not going for it with her because my heart is screaming out to be with her and start a family. Maybe it's for the best though given what I know about my mental health and need for space.

There are plenty of women who don't want babies or who have dc that are grown up or almost grown.

I think it's great that you know you aren't suited for parenthood and you're unwilling to fuck up a child by having one that you can't manage.

Maybe have some therapy to work out whether you can work to be in a less self centred space (no judgement, it's what trauma does) and able to parent dc effectively before having them. Although sometimes I do think the older the parent the more the worry, if you were 20 you'd probably just go with the flow and whilst it might not be perfect parenting you get through it and raise a healthy enough dc.

Do you genuinely not want children or don't like children or is it the fact that you are fearful of not being able to raise them well enough due to your childhood?

Your last relationship ended in December and we're only in April.
Do you think you maybe entered this new relationship too quickly after the break down of your last one, you surely must be still processing the end of your 2 year relationship?

I think the point I'm trying to make is, if your emotions are still heightened from the break down of the long term relationship then that might be a factor in why your feelings are so confused now. You're thinking about something potentially life changing before you've even got over the last life changing thing.

You have known this woman for only three months, you are practically strangers to one another.
Even if you did not have any doubts about having children, it is far far too early in this relationship to be considering getting her pregnant.

You met her on the rebound after the end of a long relationship, that is why your feelings are apparently so strong.

You need to spend some time without any emotional commitments, in order to assess and evaluate your life needs and future plans.
As the old saying goes, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. So, be wary, this could all end in tears, probably yours.

I think you show good insight and that's to be admired. You could have been untruthful, strung her along or worse had aa baby and then abandoned them both.

Love doesn't conquer all as you have to be on the same page and stage in life. Both of you have been sensible and ended the relationship. Sad but honestly better in the long run.

Find ways to avoid each other and you will heal.