How do I fix this?

[Mumofboys22]

Been with DP for 8 years, we have 2 small children and another due imminently.

DP has said that he no longer loves me and wants to leave.

Things have been going downhill since we found out I was pregnant (planned) with our third child. The reason for this is that DP was asked to be best man at a wedding a 6 hour journey from where we live which would require a 3 day/2 night visit. The wedding is 3 weeks after my c section date. I said that I thought it was unreasonable for DP to attend the wedding given that he’d be leaving me at home recovering from surgery, looking after a newborn and two toddlers whilst trying to establish breastfeeding. The wedding is child free so no option of DP taking the toddlers with him. I’ve had 2 previous sections and have recovered well but will definitely still be needing help 3 weeks after delivery, especially with two toddlers. DP was annoyed that i didn’t give him my blessing to attend the wedding, we had an argument about it and haven’t really spoken about it since.

My view is that the timing of the two events is rubbish and DP is in the unfortunate position of having to choose between supporting his friend as best man or supporting his family. (There isn’t anyone else who would be able to stay 24/7 for the duration that DP is away).

After our “discussion” about the wedding I started to check out of the relationship as I felt that I was dealing with the pregnancy alone and would be unsupported by DP after the birth. This turned into a deal breaker for me and I thought I would have no choice but to end the relationship if DP abandoned us for a long weekend shortly after the birth. (If the situation was reversed and DP was having major surgery I certainly wouldn’t expect him to parent 3 small children solo for a long weekend).

Anyway, things have gradually been going downhill for the last 7 months and it’s got to the point where DP says he no longer loves me and wants to leave. But all the reasons that he gives are to do with the children and how he can’t cope with them rather than explaining why he wants to leave me.

I genuinely think that it is the whole drudgery of family life that he wants to escape, and because I checked out of the relationship a while back I haven’t been as supportive/tolerant of him as I was previously. I’ve asked him how 50/50 split of the children would improve his life because as far as I can see it would mean he had a lot less free time to himself than he has now.

Things have snowballed and are awful at the moment. I just want to go back to how happy we were in the summer when we were planning our third child but I don’t know how to get there.

(DP also suffers with his mental health and has been “in crisis” for the last couple of months.)

He'll probably decide he loves you after all once the wedding has taken place

I hate to say it, but I know SO many men that agree to children but once they are born, especially the second or third kid they just check out of the relationship. Parenting isn't what they expected, two + kids requires too much from them emotionally and of their time, so they check out.

But if you spilt up - you’ll be dealing with the kids and baby alone anyway ?

God how depressing some of these responses. Not all men 'check out' only the weak ones!

This sounds like a tough situation. You say that his willingness to go to this wedding and leave you with three tots is a dealbreaker. Totally fair enough.
But in your shoes I would really try to make this wedding happen for him. If he’s the best man then it is clearly a very close friend getting married and a massive deal to not turn up. If you were asked to be a bridesmaid, you would really want to honour that commitment. Plus - and this is important - you really want to establish a family culture of you BOTH having some freedom to go to adult only events. In the near future - once the new baby is no longer breastfeeding - you might enjoy a long weekend away while leaving the three kids with DH.
Its evident that you don’t have a relative to come and stay with you for the weekend (that’s hard) but perhaps think creatively. Is there a young person who would come to your house as a paid babysitter during the day? That person could be entertaining the toddlers/keeping them safe/feeding them while you deal with the baby.
Family life with young DC can be a grind but for some parents the freedom to take time out makes all the difference.

@likeafishneedsabike not 3 weeks after major surgery. That’s when any adult should be supporting their partner.

@Mumofboys22

"He says he no longer loves me and wants to leave"

"What can I do to fix this"?

To be honest my ex said that to me and If they aren't 100% invested in the relationship you cannot "fix" it as such if he's not bothered

I'm so sorry your in this situation but at least he's been honest with you, just be honest and kind to yourself ❤️

Thank you for all of your replies. It is really depressing and my mood is so up and down especially with the pregnancy hormones!

I don’t feel like we’re a team anymore. He’s only looking out for himself which means that I have no choice but to do the same thing and only look after myself (and the children of course).

It’s just horrible and if I went into labour naturally today then I don’t think I’d want him at the birth as I just don’t trust him to have my back anymore.

Pre invite to wedding
What was the relationship like?

Before wedding invite it was great, we were happy, hence planning a 3rd baby

Then this is really odd
How one incident can destabilise Yeats of happiness

Personally - If very happy before and you had no issues with his support as a husband and partner… yep, I would have “let” him go. But that’s not to say you’re wrong not to. Just saying that at 1.5 weeks post c section and with my 2, my partner went on a stag do. It was his best friend of 25 years.

You haven’t told us the relationship between your dh and the bride and groom?

@crazyhouse12345

He'll probably decide he loves you after all once the wedding has taken place

Spot on

He needs to be going to his GP and finding support for his mental health if that’s at play here.

Otherwise I think challenging him to imagine a separate life when he has 50/50 is good, might give him a reality check.

Is there someone going to the wedding, an old flame or anything? Sorry if that’s upsetting or seems cynical.

Is there any way you could get an air bnb near the wedding and you and the kids stay there, to minimise time you'll be alone?

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

Is there any way you could get an air bnb near the wedding and you and the kids stay there, to minimise time you'll be alone?

3 weeks after her third c-section with a baby and 2 toddlers? I'm not sure you're factoring in how major surgery let alone pregnancy and post pregnancy affects stamina and mental health. You can't even drive for 6 weeks after surgery so she'd be marooned if her DH doesn't take her everywhere. Plus, she shouldn't have to, she should be the priority.

Wait
I’ve just seen best man

It was my best friends wedding 4 weeks after i gave birth
I went. Alone. Leaving DH with new born and toddler
My boobs were dripping
I could barely keep eyes open

But I would have crawled there on my hands and feet.

26 years of friendship.

Your husband is best man. In this scenario, I genuinely would say yes

Especially as you say previous to this - great relationship for years

Oh DH had a pretty hellish time. Especially as I was mainly breastfeeding at the time

But he knew… 26 years of close friendship. It was worth it

But all the reasons that he gives are to do with the children and how he can’t cope with them rather than explaining why he wants to leave me.

You checked out of the relationship 7 months ago when he disagreed with you and the relationship went downhill so what does he need to explain about not loving you anymore? You've already said that you're going to leave him if he goes to the wedding, and you wouldn't be thinking that if you were that committed to the relationship. So it looks like you're both having the same thoughts, he's just expressed his first.
And, honestly, if your whole relationship could be over because he went away for two nights, how great was it really in the first place?

I think the way to fix it would be to give him what he wants all the time and not challenge him, even if it’s at the detriment to you. I’m obviously not advising you do that, that would be a mistake

You will be recovering from major surgery and caring for a new baby. If the boot was on the other foot then l can’t imagine many people advocating for your husband, who is recovering from major abdominal surgery to be left to care for 3 children including a new born. While you pootle off for a piss up and knees up for a few days. When you have children then you need to make sacrifices and sometimes miss out on stuff. It’s just one of those things

I can totally understand your point of view. But I agree with what other people have said, if he's best man I would maybe bite the bullet and let him go,if he's a typical man what extra help would he be at home anyway but in all seriousness it shouldn't cause a split,there must be some underlining problem in the relationship for you both to jump ship like that,seems like this was a basic excuse to you both Xx

Being asked to be best man would be a massive deal to me and extremely difficult to refuse.
Obviously I'd want to do everything possible to support my partner, children and newborn and would be racking my brains to find a solution to make both things possible.

If I was met with an ultimatum of 'you go and it's over' followed by her withdrawing from the relationship I'd be seriously looking at the relationship I was in.

Sorry but there must be a way for you to work together and find the best compromise where you receive maximum support and he gets to honour his friend as best man

Just to clarify; I never gave him an ultimatum of “go to the wedding and we’ll break up”. I never told him that was how I was feeling. It was just that I felt I wouldn’t be able to move past him leaving me to cope with everything alone at such a vulnerable time. So we would inevitably end up breaking up.