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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Too much too soon?

9 replies

itneverrainsitpours9 · 12/04/2022 11:41

My partner and I split recently (I walked away after weeks of him treating me badly). He came under a huge amount of stress but instead of talking to me, he shut me out, admittedly tried to push me away and used the majority of his free time with his friends drinking and being verbally abusive towards me. Prior to this rocky patch, he was all into me, I felt like a priority and never once questioned his interest.

Fast forward to today, we're back together giving it a second chance (but the last chance) as the time apart was very much needed to make us BOTH realise how badly things were getting. He chased me and pleaded with me to give him another chance. He sent loving messages pouring his heart out and apologising (he's never done this before so it felt genuine. He told me he knew what had to change and I agreed to try again.

But since then, and it's only been a week, I still feel no better. I just feel like the spark has gone for him and despite the issues being from his end, I am the one making more of the effort. His texts aren't flirty, or exciting like they used to be, he doesn't appear excited to see me anymore and was always the one initiating the plans. Now it's me. He never asks me anything about me or my day other than the standard 'how's work'? I feel lonely and that he's just very disinterested. He doesn't often talk about his feelings but I expected a bit more considering he knew this was the last chance. Maybe I'm asking for too much and expecting things to go back to how they were before our rocky patch I don't know. But it's hard when you have something so good to compare it to and it's just not competing.

I've asked him if things are ok as he seems distant and different (he does have a tendency to give his all to the newest thing in his life - and he's just started a new job and he is consumed with it as well as a new football team he's joined). We both have our own hobbies and it's nice, but he never asks about mine he just constantly goes on about how great his teammates are and how brilliant everything is from his side. After asking him if things are ok he says everything is fine, he is just being himself and thought things were going well? So now I feel like I have overreacted and just expecting things too soon. My head is all over the place with things. If things are ok I shouldn't feel like this?

OP posts:
itneverrainsitpours9 · 12/04/2022 11:48

Probably worth mentioning how I'm feeling now, is how I felt prior to ending the relationship. I am worried I'm just expecting too much too soon or perhaps harbouring a grudge, or even that he just can't meet my needs in this relationship? I just expected to feel better and to see him make an effort to make me feel better considering he was the one who tore the relationship apart

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 12/04/2022 11:51

He's got you now. The chase is over.

I mean, why bother making an effort towards you now ...

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

itneverrainsitpours9 · 12/04/2022 11:54

@mycatisannoying I know that's how it feels. I just literally messaged him to explain how I was feeling, and he's ignored it but since been on Facebook to have a laugh with his mates.

My gut never lets me down and I've known something hasn't been right for ages but I can't help but think I'm maybe over reacting and being too needy/expecting too much?

OP posts:
PollyDarton1 · 12/04/2022 11:56

[quote itneverrainsitpours9]@mycatisannoying I know that's how it feels. I just literally messaged him to explain how I was feeling, and he's ignored it but since been on Facebook to have a laugh with his mates.

My gut never lets me down and I've known something hasn't been right for ages but I can't help but think I'm maybe over reacting and being too needy/expecting too much?[/quote]
You're not being needy or expecting too much.

You've been lured in by someone with a mask and they've dropped the mask (how he handles stress, verbally abusive, priorities) - he's literally showing you what he's really like.

End the relationship, if nothing else for the verbal abusive.

Juniper68 · 12/04/2022 11:56

He's acting single. Tells you everything really. Sounds pretty selfish.

Stressybetty · 12/04/2022 11:59

Trust your gut. He's not going to change. You are worth better than this. Walk away

mycatisannoying · 12/04/2022 12:29

You are so much better than this, OP. You sound emotionally intelligent and insightful.
Raise the bar - you're worth so much more! Star

Bootwall · 12/04/2022 12:45

Healthy relationships don't have you doubting yourself, and sure, rocky patches are normal but this sounds particularly dramatic and exhausting - listen to your gut, OP.

Personally, I think second chance relationships rarely work, you split for a reason!

Rainbowshine · 12/04/2022 16:34

He sounds totally self absorbed and hardly a catch.

You’ve given it another chance, which has confirmed that to end things last time was the right thing for you. This isn’t working and it never will.

Time to move on in my opinion.

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