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Relationships

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Original poster

Friendship or emotional affair?

23 replies

yorkypuds · 12/04/2022 11:13

When does a friendship become an emotional affair?
Trying to get my head around what the boundary is!
Thanks

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 12/04/2022 11:16

If you are sharing things with each other that you wouldn't want your partners to know about.

When you articulate feelings for each other.

Neverreturntoathread · 12/04/2022 11:16

Maybe when the affair partners are saying things like “I love you” / “I wish we could be together”? When the affair partner has stronger feelings for their friend than for their spouse?

But I’m pretty old-fashioned. To me, an ‘affair’ has at least kissing. If it’s all just talk then, while it indicates cracks in the marriage, I don’t think it’s a real affair.

PotatoFamily · 12/04/2022 11:17

Daily texts talking about their day
Supportive or relying on them for support
Basically watering the grass elsewhere-time and effort being out in somewhere other than their actual relationship

Dimondsareforever · 12/04/2022 11:39

When it’s being done in secret.

2catsandhappy · 12/04/2022 11:57

When something funny or eventful happens and your first thought is 'I must tell 'friend' they would enjoy that.'

When you wait for partner to be out or asleep so you can get in touch with 'friend' in private.
When you cut something short or hurry something up so you can have contact with 'friend' sooner.
Paying attention to making yourself look nice for 'friend'.

What is on your mind @yorkypuds ? Has something sparked your spidey senses or have you been told you have crossed a boundary perhaps?

SnowingInApril · 12/04/2022 11:59

When you invest more time on the friendship then the relationship.

TedMullins · 12/04/2022 12:01

@PotatoFamily

Daily texts talking about their day Supportive or relying on them for support Basically watering the grass elsewhere-time and effort being out in somewhere other than their actual relationship

Don't agree with this. I talk to some friends every day over text and we support each other with our problems. We're definitely not having affairs...

TheStirrer · 12/04/2022 12:09

As SnowingInApril said and you keep it secret / delete messages…

theleafandnotthetree · 12/04/2022 12:15

@2catsandhappy

When something funny or eventful happens and your first thought is 'I must tell 'friend' they would enjoy that.' When you wait for partner to be out or asleep so you can get in touch with 'friend' in private. When you cut something short or hurry something up so you can have contact with 'friend' sooner. Paying attention to making yourself look nice for 'friend'.

What is on your mind @yorkypuds ? Has something sparked your spidey senses or have you been told you have crossed a boundary perhaps?

I had all of that when I was falling in love with the man I had an affair with. Also: feeling disproportionately disappointed if he wasn't at something I expected him to be at; seeking out opportunities to bump into one another; looking for signs he wasn't happy in his marriage....you get the idea. In the early days, I was slightly oblivious to even my own changing feelings and behaviour but it gradually ratcheted up on both sides over a period of months until it reached a point of no return (as we saw it in our fevered state of mutual regard and lust). Of course in retrospect, there were a thousand different decisions we each could have made differently but at the time it seemed like there was an inevitability to it.

Original poster

yorkypuds · 12/04/2022 12:53

I'm in a sex-less marriage with a man who I love and I'm not going to leave for many reasons (including the children). I'm trying to come to terms with celibacy and a sex-less future.
At the same time, I have a female friendship which is growing in intensity. We talk about holidays together. It isn't hidden. But if she was male, it would definitely feel like an emotional affair!

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/04/2022 12:54

I would say it's an emotional affair and not friendship if you would be upset if your partner said the same thing/things to another person, within reason. And really if you are keeping it secret and know your partner wouldn't like it.

Really if you're wondering if you have crossed a boundary, you probably have.

So how bad is it op? What have you talked about or said?

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/04/2022 12:56

@yorkypuds

I'm in a sex-less marriage with a man who I love and I'm not going to leave for many reasons (including the children). I'm trying to come to terms with celibacy and a sex-less future. At the same time, I have a female friendship which is growing in intensity. We talk about holidays together. It isn't hidden. But if she was male, it would definitely feel like an emotional affair!

OK cross posted. That could just be friendship, friends go on holiday together and female friends can be very close to each other through bonding over similar experiences.

However if you are getting romantic feelings, yep you've crossed a line and perhaps don't find just men attractive. That's fine, but don't go cheating on your husband. Leave him before you lower yourself to that.

NeedleNoodle3 · 12/04/2022 13:09

When there’s secrecy, when that person is the first person you want to share news with.

0atbiscuit · 12/04/2022 13:14

I've been there. Felt okay because it was a woman but actually I fancied her. I distanced myself for a bit and now don't feel the same

0atbiscuit · 12/04/2022 13:15

Depends if you fancy her though, friendships can be intense without romantic feelings

Original poster

yorkypuds · 12/04/2022 15:35

Thank you, yes I think I probably do fancy her. I don't know if that is reciprocated. Can I be friends with someone I fancy? Absolutely!

OP posts:

0atbiscuit · 12/04/2022 15:43

Well I found that very difficult. We are friends now though

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/04/2022 17:19

Would you feel embarrassed / panicking / guilty if your partner read the messages between you and your friend? I think that's quite a good indicator of whether things have overstepped a line.

She's a woman but if you fancy her, it's no different to you having the same feelings about and interactions with a friend who was a man - and I think if it was a man you'd know for sure that this is an emotional affair.

This sounds like one too.

Thewookiemustgo · 12/04/2022 17:57

Anything you have to hide from your partner to do with another person you feel a strong connection to/ fancy is cheating. Fancying another person isn’t cheating, lying about them and hiding the truth about what you discuss/ how much you communicate/ how you feel about them is. Fancying others and having feelings for others doesn’t kill relationships, actively seeking out, pursuing, hiding and lying does.

Watchkeys · 12/04/2022 18:13

There are no clear boundaries. Some people think an affair is only if you have physical contact. Some would feel that a close friendship was an affair. Some would feel that you'd have to be talking together about furthering your friendship in order for it to be an emotional affair. How much is too much depends on what you and your partner think.

If you're hiding feelings about someone else from your partner, then that's deception. It doesn't matter if you label it 'an emotional affair' or not. Steps need to be taken one way or another to resolve it.

Original poster

yorkypuds · 12/04/2022 18:33

Thank you for your insights.
If DH read our messages, there isn't anything that he would be concerned about.
I think it is more about me questioning my own feelings rather than what the friendship is at the moment.
A bit of a crush isn't deceit. And that is probably all it is!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 12/04/2022 19:31

It's not really about if he read your messages, it's about if he understood how you feel. Could you show him this thread? If not, you're deceiving him.

Locomelon · 12/04/2022 23:55

If you found out it was reciprocated, what would you do? Dangerous territory really. But if it's not reciprocated, it's just a normal female close friendship. I have a very close friend that I don't go a day without talking to. We talk about everything. But we don't fancy each other so it wouldn't cross my mind to worry about it.

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