partner hiding messages?

[charlottecruz]

Recently had a baby, 11 weeks, prior to this partner and I were living apart. Since living together i've noticed he hides certain messages a lot.

He will open almost any message in front of me, except a few girls on snapchat.

Around 6am this morning, baby woke up for a feed, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I should go check his messages between two girls he often messages and doesn't open texts around me. One of them he talks to, doesn't open texts around me, and even clears from his chat history on snapchat, thinking I don't notice.

And so I did, the unspoken thing of opening his messages. I saw things like "Damn👀" and "If I was single, I'm not even going to tel you what I'd do" and having general sex conversation about how many people they've slept with?? They weren't sexual towards one another, but having this weird conversation I wouldn't have towards a friend, especially if I'm with someone.

I noticed it's usually him starting conversations with her, replying to her stories and whatnot.

Do I confront him? If so, how do I explain why I've been snooping?

Tell him you checked his phone and you are not happy about the content of the conversation. Tell him to stop.

@thestraitofillinois

Tell him you checked his phone and you are not happy about the content of the conversation. Tell him to stop.

I should openly come forward about snooping?

I saw things like "Damn👀" and "If I was single, I'm not even going to tel you what I'd do" and having general sex conversation about how many people they've slept with?? They weren't sexual towards one another,

I'm confused. This is sexual towards each other. Hes not saying what he'll actually do if he was single, but I think we can all guess what hes hinting at.

Good job you did check. I class messaging other women, especially like that, as cheating. Thats why he is hiding it OP, because its incredibly inappropriate and not to mention disrespectful to you.
he knows what hes doing is wrong.

Just tell him you've seen the messages. If he blows up at you for 'invading his privacy, kick his cheating arse out. He can have all the privacy he wants then.

If I saw messages on my DP's phone like that, he'd be out the door and out of my life in less time than i've taken to write this reply.

He's trying his luck with other women, this won't stop either, as it's the way he is. He doesn't value you or your relationship more than his sexual desires.

You either have to accept this or end things with him, but ending things is very difficult when you have a child because if the father pursues contact, which you would hope he would, you then give up half the time you had with your child in contact with the father.

So given you have a child, it all depends on what you want should you split up and what you are willing to live with; i.e. less time with your child.

If you can't live with less time with your child, I couldn't, then you'll have to stay.

Have an honest conversation with him instead of "I'm not happy" and instead of "get our and become a hostile co-parent for the next 16 years"

Something like...

Look, so I realise you have desires for other women and feel you can't go without messaging them and things. I'm not saying you've been physical with other women but you obviously want to. I'd like to talk about this and discuss how we go forward with our relationship.

Don't tell him who you know. Simply say you're not stupid and you've become aware that he's doing this. If he denies it then you can give up your source if his denial stops the conversation from proceeding.

When the conversation continues ask him exactly what he wants:

for him to be able to physically cheat on you?

for him to be able to message women? (in which case you can also message other men if you want to)

an open relationship?

Go on a fact finding mission and find out what he actually wants. Remain calm and mature and don't give in to any of his attempts to derail the conversation into an argument.

When you have this information go away and think about how you would like to proceed.

For instance, so he just wants to boost his ego by messaging women? Okay, then you can do the same but you remain faithful to one another. Agree this and deal with any deviation from this agreement should it arise.

I wouldn't be able not to confess what I've seen, yes explain you've noticed he's on Snapchat a lot and you had a bad feeling he was up to no good and the messages confirm that.
Sorry but he doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship and he only moving in with you for the baby, it's no way to live your life without trust, I think you'd be better off without him.

Don't be put off confronting him just because you read his messages. What he is doing is WAY worse although I can put money on it that he will focus it all on you reading the messages. Be prepared for that argument but do not back down. I would not trust him as far as I could throw him.

He has zero respect for you. Dump him.

@mrziggycoco

He's trying his luck with other women, this won't stop either, as it's the way he is. He doesn't value you or your relationship more than his sexual desires.

You either have to accept this or end things with him, but ending things is very difficult when you have a child because if the father pursues contact, which you would hope he would, you then give up half the time you had with your child in contact with the father.

So given you have a child, it all depends on what you want should you split up and what you are willing to live with; i.e. less time with your child.

If you can't live with less time with your child, I couldn't, then you'll have to stay.

Have an honest conversation with him instead of "I'm not happy" and instead of "get our and become a hostile co-parent for the next 16 years"

Something like...

Look, so I realise you have desires for other women and feel you can't go without messaging them and things. I'm not saying you've been physical with other women but you obviously want to. I'd like to talk about this and discuss how we go forward with our relationship.

Don't tell him who you know. Simply say you're not stupid and you've become aware that he's doing this. If he denies it then you can give up your source if his denial stops the conversation from proceeding.

When the conversation continues ask him exactly what he wants:

for him to be able to physically cheat on you?

for him to be able to message women? (in which case you can also message other men if you want to)

an open relationship?

Go on a fact finding mission and find out what he actually wants. Remain calm and mature and don't give in to any of his attempts to derail the conversation into an argument.

When you have this information go away and think about how you would like to proceed.

For instance, so he just wants to boost his ego by messaging women? Okay, then you can do the same but you remain faithful to one another. Agree this and deal with any deviation from this agreement should it arise.

Erm, how about no?

I wouldn't be bothering with any conversation. I'd just get rid of him

I think what you've see at the moment may not be enough for you to make a decision. I wouldn't let him know just yet hard as that is and then check again. Get more information. Otherwise you will say what you've seen he will brush it off and be even more secretive.

He wants to be single so let him. Focus on you and DC.

I saw things like "Damn👀" and "If I was single, I'm not even going to tel you what I'd do" and having general sex conversation about how many people they've slept with?? They weren't sexual towards one another, but having this weird conversation I wouldn't have towards a friend, especially if I'm with someone.

That's flirting and it is sexual. It's cheating in my eyes.
What would you think if a guy in a relationship sent you those messages, you would think he was coming onto you and wanted to sleep with you!

You deserve so much better OP.

You either have to accept this or end things with him, but ending things is very difficult when you have a child because if the father pursues contact, which you would hope he would, you then give up half the time you had with your child in contact with the father.

Most fathers don't go for 50/50 contact, and the ones who want the single life (as it seems this man does) often will only take the children every other weekend at most.

I don't think you have anything to lose by telling him you snooped, because I don't think you should stay with him.

He is showing you zero respect. He's flirting with other women, exchanging sexual messages with them. Even if he's never met them that would be enough for me to dump him. Don't you want to be with someone who only has eyes for you?

I wouldn't discuss it with him. Just tell him you know about his seedy sexting with other women and it's put you right off him, you know you deserve better. He's welcome to them.

Urgh not another cheating slimeball.

OP, you are worth more than this.

@Bookworm20

I saw things like "Damn👀" and "If I was single, I'm not even going to tel you what I'd do" and having general sex conversation about how many people they've slept with?? They weren't sexual towards one another,

I'm confused. This is sexual towards each other. Hes not saying what he'll actually do if he was single, but I think we can all guess what hes hinting at.

Good job you did check. I class messaging other women, especially like that, as cheating. Thats why he is hiding it OP, because its incredibly inappropriate and not to mention disrespectful to you.
he knows what hes doing is wrong.

Just tell him you've seen the messages. If he blows up at you for 'invading his privacy, kick his cheating arse out. He can have all the privacy he wants then.

If I saw messages on my DP's phone like that, he'd be out the door and out of my life in less time than i've taken to write this reply.

This. He'd be gone without a confrontation to be honest

@Bookworm20

I saw things like "Damn👀" and "If I was single, I'm not even going to tel you what I'd do" and having general sex conversation about how many people they've slept with?? They weren't sexual towards one another,

I'm confused. This is sexual towards each other. Hes not saying what he'll actually do if he was single, but I think we can all guess what hes hinting at.

Good job you did check. I class messaging other women, especially like that, as cheating. Thats why he is hiding it OP, because its incredibly inappropriate and not to mention disrespectful to you.
he knows what hes doing is wrong.

Just tell him you've seen the messages. If he blows up at you for 'invading his privacy, kick his cheating arse out. He can have all the privacy he wants then.

If I saw messages on my DP's phone like that, he'd be out the door and out of my life in less time than i've taken to write this reply.

Absolutely right

What a dirtbag. Get rid.