Problems with FIL

[woolypollie]

I have problems with FIL... background is that I could not attend SIL wedding - myself and ds had norovirus so could not attend. My dh attended obviously. But since I didn't attend I have now been frozen out by sil. I'm not allowed in her home etc and see nil. She has not said this to myself but when I mention seeing fil my dh makes excuses. So I had a look at his phone and saw messages from SIL saying I am not invited in her home? What should I do?

SIL is made because you did not go to her wedding when you had a highly infectious bug that you may have passed on? Fuck her! And you DH needs to grow a pair and defend his wife against this ridiculousness.

They sound like arseholes and your DH a spineless lump.

If you couldn’t babysit your nephew the night of the wedding though why couldn’t your DH do it?

I’m presuming, of course, that the babysitting wasn’t going to take place at your home with the chance of catching norovirus?

@Stath no it was to look after nil during wedding and wedding meal, after party etc basically... I wasn't told if he was meant to stay the night too? I was only told this a week before the wedding. I have ds who has Sen and wouldn't have stayed the whole way through anyway which I had said then they said that they would get someone for my ds so I could stay longer (to look after nil)

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers very true. Dh never puts me first anyway when it comes to fam or friends so I know he won't say anything

OP,
Don't sweat it.
Your SIL sounds awful, just as your husband is.

A weak little bully who sulks and gives his wife the silent treatment?

Emotionally abusive.

You should consider call Womens aid for a chat.

I bet it would be enlightening for you.

You deserve better.

[quote woolypollie]@Wheresmywoolyjumpers very true. Dh never puts me first anyway when it comes to fam or friends so I know he won't say anything [/quote]
I am truly sorry for this. This is so difficult and has always been a deal breaker for me. No body likes conflict unless they are a psychopath or personality disordered. But as adults we have to learn how to handle it when needed. I think at times people use the 'dont like conflict' to be lazy and put off anything they dont want to deal with. Or to keep getting their own way.

@billy1966 thank you... I've been through emotional abuse before and don't think dh is being so atm but I maybe wrong

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers is not that he won't talk to me but he will be silent if I was to ask about this situation and he will say no it's ok or he will try and change the subject.

Yes, @woolypollie, so he is ok with you until you need his support in which case he checks out. But this is one of those things adults need to be able to do. We all have to cope with discomfort at times, and when it is our family of origin causing distress to our chosen partner, it is unacceptable to try to stay out of it. In my opinion anyway. He might not like it, no one does, but it doesnt mean we dont have to do it. What would he do if his child was being bullied by a member of his family? Would he still stay silent?

This might just be a temporary thing.

She is entitled to feel how she feels but equally you aren’t responsible for her feelings and obviously you have done nothing wrong.

If you choose in time to respond to the fact that she was upset by your and her DN absence from the wedding, in time when things calm down, you could consider addressing it that way to her. You could convey your disappointment about missing her big day and validate her own upset and disappointment if you choose to. But things are likely to calm down in time.

@oliviastwisted thank you.. this is exactly what I feel and think how she may feel. I did apologise (through dh at first as he was the one who messaged me during the day if I was feeling ok after seeing me up most of the night and morning puking my guts up and knowing ds had a bad stomach the night before) I thought he would've said something during the day - I was too unwell to really say hey sil I'm not coming sorry to ruin your wedding and thought that would've been inappropriate anyway. I messaged sil when she had done a "post" as thought I didn't wanna message during wedding and upset anyone and dh could've said if asked where I was? She didn't reply to me but I didn't take that to heart or anything as she would've had lots of people messaging etc so I didn't think anything of it. But after having a gut instinct that something was off whenever I mentioned sil I looked at dh phone and saw that message. I honestly couldn't believe it tbh. I would've been sympathetic to anyone who couldn't attend my wedding? I would've asked if they were ok if they were ill etc? I'm just astonished how some people react

Yeah it's a mad world, be grateful you don't have to live in her head, ultimately the only response is to feel sorry for her that that's how her mind works and grateful that yours is different.

[quote woolypollie]@Stath no it was to look after nil during wedding and wedding meal, after party etc basically... I wasn't told if he was meant to stay the night too? I was only told this a week before the wedding. I have ds who has Sen and wouldn't have stayed the whole way through anyway which I had said then they said that they would get someone for my ds so I could stay longer (to look after nil) [/quote]
So they’re pissed off with you for being contagiously ill so therefore not being able to look after nephew (whilst caring for SN child too)?

Why didn’t DH look after nephew during the wedding? Or PIL? Why was expected of YOU, as someone who already was caring for a child with complex needs to do the childcare?
And why didn’t DH not stick up for you?

Honestly, the more you post the shittier your husband is.

[quote woolypollie]@Wheresmywoolyjumpers very true. Dh never puts me first anyway when it comes to fam or friends so I know he won't say anything [/quote]
DH should put you and your DC first. You guys should be his priority not. I would call your DH out on not sticking up for you.

There's an issue and your DH isn't talking to you about it. A marriage is supposed to be about openness. I can understand if it was to save your feelings but bloody hell it sounds like you're an outsider. He should have your back otherwise what's the point of being married? Not exactly the same but I had a relative who had an issue with my lovely DM (total batshit issue that made no sense) and she kept sending me cheques on my birthday. I never cashed them or spoke to her, you have an issue with my DM you don't get to have a relationship with me. That's what should be happening here, you have an issue with me you don't get to be part of my child's life. They all sound horrendous.