Feel absurdly hurt

[westcorkbookworm]

Arranged with my elderly Dad to come and visit this week Mon - Fri. Said it would be really nice to stay 4 nights and not feel rushed. We live 300 miles away so it's a long drive - today was 7.5 hours. I spoke to him last night and he said he thought my sister was booking a ticket for him to go and visit her abroad for a week and this would have to be Thurs. Arrived this evening to discover that he's leaving on Thurs morning early. So my kids and I lose two days of our visit. HE doesn't give a shit about Easter and neither he nor my sister are limited to school holidays, as I am, so I really don't know why there had to be a clash. He would never in a million years have done this to her. But then I would never have done this to her either. I am surprised at how incredibly hurt I feel to be thrown aside like this. I'm not sure he'd have done it a few years ago. He's caught up in feeling v stressed about the journey, so that's his main preoccupation. I don't understand what my sister is thinking. She knew we were planning to leave on the Friday, but they've just gone ahead with this anyway.

Maybe he prefers to be invited rather than host.
How old is elderly in your view and in your dad's situ? He's clearly fit to travel.
Had you been inviting yourselves to be guests in his home? Does he live alone?

He is in his 80s and yes does live alone. He actually doesn't like travelling - he's pretty anxious about it. When we stay we do all the cooking and bring our bedding etc, so he doesn't have to lift a finger, and I offer to stay in a hotel, if he'd prefer. Maybe you're right, though. He hasn't suggested coming to me for a long time - I think the journey would be too far for him now. I could come and get him and take him back though if it was for long enough.

Is there a history of her getting preferential treatment?

Your hurt won't be absurd; it might look it in the context (although it doesn't, really), but there'll be a good solid reason that you might be in denial about.

Saying that your feelings are absurd is minimising them. Respect them, instead. You feel hurt because they behaved hurtfully. It's justified. Validate yourself.

Does your sibling have children?
Children are tiring.

I also wonder if the children for 5 days are too much for him...this might depend on their number, ages and behaviour. I know my mum would get tired after a single afternoon with mine when they were younger.

Five days of hosting kids at 80 years old. Maybe too much for him?

Genuinely don't think it's the kids - they are quiet self sufficient older teens and my sister has kids too - also quiet, easy older ones.
Thanks, all.

How can he not make the journey to you but can to your sister
Does he actually want to even go or has your sister just booked it for him
I would be asking my sister why she had done that knowing i was visiting

He always used to drive to us, but that would be too far nowadays. I'm not sure if he wants to go to my sister - she's quite forceful and wants him to go. I know he misses her since she left UK. I think he'd like to be there in her house but without the travelling. He's going by Eurostar to her. I guess he could get train to us, but it involves changes at B'Ham New St etc, which I think he would find stressful.
I am upset with my sister. But she'll say it's what Dad wants and it's selfish to get in the way of that.

Saying that your feelings are absurd is minimising them. Respect them, instead. You feel hurt because they behaved hurtfully. It's justified. Validate yourself.

I think your feelings are valid too, especially as you have driven a long way, but it's what you do with them now that is important. You might want to keep them to yourself in this instance. He may have got the days mixed up or your dsister may have pressurised him to going earlier than he wanted; it certainly sounds like the arrangements were still being made when you rang him. Either way there's been a miscommunication but he's getting on in years and I would give him the benefit of the doubt. You've said yourself he wouldn't have done this a few years ago. He may have forgotten you were staying four nights this time. And if you fall out with your sister over it, it will only cause stress to your dad. There's nothing to be done now anyway, so why not make the most of it and do something interesting with the teens on your way home.

Later on, when this is all over, just have a word with your sister and ask if you can coordinate with one another better next time and check one another's dates before making any solid arrangements.

Thanks all. Thank you watchkeys and toronto for not making me feel unreasonable! There is a bit of history in various ways, yes. I'm certainly not going to make things more stressful for my Dad, but am pretty upset with my sister.

Will you tell her you're upset? It's probably a history of you feeling pissed off, but not feeling that you can voice it, that's made this feel bigger than you'd expect it to. It's a culmination, rather than a single even. Maybe? Sorry if I'm miles off the mark!

You're pretty spot on! Thank you. I will tell her, but I don't think it will matter that much to her.

But maybe it's you who needs to hear and respect what you feel, rather than her? You're posting here for external validation, because you're not validating yourself. You want us to tell you it's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do, because you don't tell yourself that.

What would have been the perfect post in response to your op? Would you have liked someone to say 'I'd be in tears if I were you!' or 'God, I bet you must be furious, I would be!' or 'For god's sake, get a grip!'..? What would you have liked to hear most? What did you want people to say?

Once you work it out, that'll give you the key to the feeling in yourself that you don't validate, and once you work that out, that's the key to solving all your problems (without paying for counselling or ditching your family or one day having a massive tantrum)

Yes, you're right. Thank you - there's a lot to think about there [and I want people to say 'that's crap - I'd be furious'!]

So you're looking for 'permission' to be angry... what happened when you were angry as a kid? What happened if you got angry that they listened to your sister, not you?

You're right, it's a lot to think about. Well worth working through though. I did the same and it changed my life, listening to and respecting my own feelings. Good luck :)

Thanks, watchkey